A Big Fat Zero!!!!!

I never in a million years imagined I'd be sitting here rejoicing at an hCG level of ZERO! But I am, because it means that I no longer have any pregnancy tissue in my tube!!

The frustrating part is that we were told to not try on our own (yeah right, are they actually expecting us to use protection?), and to call when I get my third period. Three AFs is a looong time to wait...but what choice do I have? I guess I'll enjoy those baby-free luxuries for a few more months. It'll be nice to not temp, worry, or POAS. And no more betas!!!

I took my first prenatal a few seconds after I hung up the phone...just a little bit excited, right?!

A slow decrease

As I sat in the lab chair last Friday (the 21st) I asked the NP to say a prayer for a big fat ZERO! She looked at me like I was a little bit off my rocker, probably because she knew that it wouldn't got from 95 to zero in one week! Lo and behold, she was correct. My hCG that day was 40. Definitely a good amount, but not there yet. No prenatals and limited salad for me continues.....

We were concluding our vacation this past Friday, so I rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow (Monday). I guess I'm a bit more realistic this time that it probably won't be zero, but hopeful nonetheless. What makes me curious about my whacked out body right now is that I clearly ovulated last Wednesday (fertile cm, pain and all!), but didn't think this was possible due to hCG still present in my body. I'll be sure to ask about this tomorrow as I sit in the hCG chair for the THIRTEENTH time.

No wonder I have to wait until November. This is taking FOREVER.

Been MIA...

Boy, oh boy, it's been a crazy fun two weeks! The fun began week before last with a much-needed and anticipated visit from my friend E. We had a blast together, but of course it was too short! I played tour guide and we hit all the must-do hot spots (she's never been to my city before..), and we spent a bunch of time crafting homemade cards. The day E left I got a visit from my friend H... hers was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but awesome nonetheless. H left on the 20th, and the next day M and I packed up the car and headed off on out BIG ADVENTURE.

We planned to hit up some friends who recently moved to a new city in a new state for a few days of fun and camping, and from there we had no plan. It was fantastic. Just the three of us (yes, we took furbaby Charlie to make our trip interesting!) and the open road. We were literally driving by the seats of our pants! We stayed in many beautiful cities - explored, shopped, ate, drank, camped, and DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IF!!!!!!!!!

It was so nice to reconnect with M and remember the days that were not marred by our inability to get pregnant. It was wonderful to not think about, see, or read about pregnant women and ectopic pregnancies. I loved not worrying about doc appointments, taking temperatures and pills, analyzing symptoms, and obsessing about hCG levels..It was heaven.

I'm feeling grateful to be home with my bed, my kitchen, and some clean clothes. I am most pleased, however, to come back to my blogging buddies and the recent BFP announcements from Just Me , Murgdan, and Courtney. These ladies have endured long, painful journeys and all three are pregnant through IVF. Congrats to you all, my heart is with you and your growing beans!

More Good News.

I had my two-week follow up exam with my RE today. They drew blood for my TENTH beta to see if my level is still decreasing. While we waited for the results, M and I got a chance to have a really informative Q&A session with the doc. We asked a lot of questions about ectopic pregnancies, our risks for the future, and some of the causes for them. He was super sweet and answered all of our questions with ease and clarity. I totally dig him, and feel good about the level of care we are receiving. We knew we'd be in good hands when we started with him because of the excellent reputation of this particular clinic, but also because he's been on Oprah!!!!

After all the "biology and anatomy" talk, we asked him the biggest and foremost question on our minds: When, exactly, will we be able to try again? He told us that because the methotrexate completely strips the body of folic acid, we have to get my body back in shape in order to produce a baby! The risks of neural tube defects are way too great when you don't have enough folic acid. Since we are still waiting for my level to get to zero, I can't take my prenatals or eat green leafy veggies, so I won't be able to start the 3-month count until it gets to zero. I'm thinking November-ish.

By November, my good friend A will be on the cusp of giving birth, my other friend M will have a 2.5 month old, and I'll be 30.

The nurse called with my results around 3:30. The beta has decreased again to 95. This makes me so happy! The best part, though, is that the doc said I can have a glass of wine tonight....but he warned me not to drink the whole bottle. I think I can handle that!

4 days!

I am on the tail end of my Methotrexate! This coming Saturday marks two weeks, and I'm planning on doing it up big. I haven't had any leafy, green veggies or wine, and I'm starting to go a little crazy. Not. Kidding. Especially since yesterday was our 2 year anniversary and we had sushi to celebrate. Sushi without wine or sake is just not the same. It's extremely hard to not eat salad, I am a lover of all things green!

The good news is (and yes, there is always a silver lining) that I received a call from the RE's office on Saturday afternoon after my beta. They reported that my 415 went down to 287 in a 3 days. Yay! That means I (probably) wont have to go in for another shot, as this one seems to be working to resolve my ectopic.

I'm having mixed emotions about not being able to try for the next few cycles. On one hand, I am sad and anxious (and impatient!), and REALLY want to get pregnant in 2009. Every month that passes decreases the chances for that happening....Of course, as my mother points out, we DID get pregnant in 2009, but I was kind of hoping more for the kind of pregnancy that actually yields A BABY. On the other hand, I'm grateful for a little break from planning and obsessing. So far, it has been nice to be focusing my attention on other things in my life. Not thinking about it has made me a little bit more healthy in the head, and my body will be happy to be drug and hormone free for a few months!

On Sunday, M and I took fur baby Charlie for a hike to a lake nearby. Here's a pic of me and my baby:

I have a gray hair!

Goodness gracious..I know I've been through some stress lately, but am I really at the verge of "going gray"? The big 3-0 is looming, and I certainly don't need gray hair to help me make the transition to my fourth decade.

It might be hard for you to see...I had to get a second opinion from M last night to make sure it wasn't all in my head (pun intended!). In this pic it's on the right side of the picture.

Gratitude and my amazing friend.

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Recognition for my blog (yay!)
2. A nice lunch with my Aunt and Uncle (who live in a city far, far, away)
3. My hard working, diligent husband
4. Backyard play time with the pooch.
5. My mind being put at ease about ectopic rupture.
6. All my new creations.

And last, but not least..........

My fabulous friend E sent me a care package today. She packed it full of so many goodies! Books, candy, jewelry, and (best of all) a heartfelt note of sympathy and encouragement. She literally made my MONTH. I was so overwhelmed by this sweet gesture and I'm honored to be her friend. Thank you, E. Today I am most grateful for our friendship.

My first award.

I'd like to start by saying how amazing this community has been to me over the past few months since I started blogging. Tapping into this network of strong, courageous, honest, REAL women who write so beautifully about their lives has inspired and challenged me to find the good in my own experiences. I so lucky to have found all of you, and I'm honored to be web friends with you!

Having said that, I got my first award!

Melissa just bestowed this honor upon me, and I am absolutely thrilled. The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm cheating and posting my top eight (I had a few more, but they've already been awarded by other people!!!!).

A huge "thank you" to Melissa, and of course to these lovely ladies who keep me entertained (and inspired!) every day:
1. You Call Me a Bitch like it's a Bad Thing
2. No One Ever Told Me it Would Be This Hard
3. Our Stork Isn't Great with Directions
4. Baby, Interrupted
5. Babies Everywhere...But none that Call me Mama
6. Scarlet Baby
7. We're Expecting!

Congrats and thanks so much ladies, you are all so wonderful and I wish nothing but the best for all of you!!!

I'm leaving Facebook.

I seriously cannot handle this.

I check FB every one in awhile to see what's happening with my friends. I think I told you that recently I had two pregnancy announcements on there that put a sour taste in my mouth and got me thinking about a FB divorce.

Today is the deciding factor.

My college roommate (who has 3 beautiful children and has been easily reproducing since we graduated) just posted an ultrasound pic of her TWINS. No, these are not A.R.T. twins, these are "oops, I'm so fertile that I released two eggs on my own" twins (Or, my extremely fertile egg split in two). She only wanted one more, and she is getting two. I just want one, and I can't seem to get any!

One of the other friends who recently announced her pregnancy is now complaining she can't be as active as she was before. She has two other children. Another friend is trying to get her friends to review different baby products and get advice through her FB posts. This will be her second child.

Oh, the injustice, as I sit here healing from my first nonviable pregnancy.

I needed this rant. Thanks for listening.

Diagnosis: Ectopic.

So.

I had my D&C on Friday, and all went well considering the anesthesia and pain meds made me unaware of most of it! Thankfully M's family helped us a lot with meals, etc. They were real life savers.

I got the call Friday afternoon that pathology had not found any pregnancy tissue in my uterus.

I went in Saturday morning for my methotrexate injections. They were not bad - barely hurt at all - and I haven't (so far) had any adverse side effects or reactions. I will continue to be monitored this week to make sure that the hCG levels decrease. Oh goody. More needles. My arms are already so bruised from being poked every 48 hours!

The worst part of the hCG is that I can't have any alcohol or leafy greens (because they contain folic acid). FOR TWO WEEKS. We went to IN-N-OUT last night for dinner and I had to ask for no lettuce on my hamburger!! WTF?! And seriously, I can give up wine if I'm pregnant, but not if I'm NOT pregnant! This is the time I need it the most!