A Happy Weekend

18w4d

M and I had a busy, fun Easter weekend! My brother flew in early Saturday morning, and my dad and grandpa came Saturday afternoon. I hosted dinner on Saturday, and had a house full of MEN! It wasn't until we were all sitting around the table that I realized I was very much in the minority! Oh well, it was great. They were all happy to see me with energy and were surprised by my growing bump!

Sunday, my MIL hosted Easter dinner for everyone. It was a lot of fun to have everyone together. I LOVE holidays for that reason!

Lately, the bump has expanded so much that, while I don't feel huge, I certainly think I look whale-ish in pictures. I am very short-waisted, so little Elfie has nowhere to go but out! It's funny how I've always loved, admired, and envied beautiful pregnant bellies, but when it comes to seeing the weight gain on me, I'm just totally taken aback. Don't get me wrong...I'm loving it...just a little unaccustomed!

Here's me with my Dad:



And one of me and Elfie!

Really? And a little bit of gratitude.

We moved to our New City in June 2008. We had just started TTC, and the first thing we did upon buying the house was to adopt Charlie, our handsome Black Lab. I was not at the point of concern in our baby journey at that point...just blissfully unaware. One day in July I took the rambunctious little bugger for a walk to the park(has anyone attempted to walk a 3-month old Labrador? Impossible...but that's a whole other story). I sat down on a bench where a woman was nursing her teeny little baby girl. I smiled at her and struck up a conversation..she told that she and her husband had also recently moved to New City, and that their baby was 2 months old. We chatted a few minutes more, and I scooted along with "Trouble" tagging me along. I remember wondering of someday I would run into her again with my own child. At that time, I thought I was very close to becoming pregnant!

Throughout the year and 4 months since then, I've thought of her a few times..wondering if they still lived here and how old their baby was. I look for her when I walk my now well-behaved, mature canine.

Today I was standing in line at the post office, and I looked up to see that she was being waited on at the counter. Once I realized it was her, I looked around for baby girl...but didn't see here anywhere. I couldn't help but overhear her conversation with the guy helping her. He was asking about her daughter. I heard her saying that the little girl is 18 months now (quick mental math told me that yes, that is the exact amount of time we have been trying)...and then she said, "And I only have 5 more weeks with this one!" At which point she turned, and sure enough her big, beautiful pregnant belly came into focus.

I was so taken aback! It seemed so recently that I met her with her teeny, tiny baby...and here she is about to give birth again! When I met her that day I was so excited at the thought that I would have a baby soon!

The thing is...I don't know her story. For all I know, these two children were IVF babies...I just couldn't help but say, "Really?"

And since I've been such a complainer lately, I feel some gratitude comin' on..
Today, I am grateful for:

1. Being prepared for my big Thanksgiving Feast that is in just over two weeks!! That's right, folks...I have never made a turkey, and this year I'll be cooking for 14 adults and 4 children. Needless to say, I started planning a few months ago (that's the teacher in me), so that the few days prior to the BIG DAY wouldn't be spent in stressful chaos.
2. Cold weather - I LOVE snuggling up in front of the fire!
3. My hard-working, loving, reassuring, practical hubby. He is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better life partner.
4. My MIL and her fabulous Monday night meal, and her amazing photographic skills!
5. Organization and creativity.
6. Snuggles with my furbabies...even when they act like I am smothering them, I know they secretly love the doting attentiveness. I can't help it! M told me recently (as I was tucking Charlie in for bed) that it's time for a BABY, or else the dog is going to get a crib and a stroller!

I'm leaving Facebook.

I seriously cannot handle this.

I check FB every one in awhile to see what's happening with my friends. I think I told you that recently I had two pregnancy announcements on there that put a sour taste in my mouth and got me thinking about a FB divorce.

Today is the deciding factor.

My college roommate (who has 3 beautiful children and has been easily reproducing since we graduated) just posted an ultrasound pic of her TWINS. No, these are not A.R.T. twins, these are "oops, I'm so fertile that I released two eggs on my own" twins (Or, my extremely fertile egg split in two). She only wanted one more, and she is getting two. I just want one, and I can't seem to get any!

One of the other friends who recently announced her pregnancy is now complaining she can't be as active as she was before. She has two other children. Another friend is trying to get her friends to review different baby products and get advice through her FB posts. This will be her second child.

Oh, the injustice, as I sit here healing from my first nonviable pregnancy.

I needed this rant. Thanks for listening.

Infertility's Ups and Downs.

SO...I survived the weekend! Actually, overall, it went better than I thought it would, which is not say that it wasn't extremely hard, but I think I did okay (not great). I got pretty sad and emotional on Friday night for A's birthday. I was fine until I saw the two pregfriends hug and then compare bellies. Ouch. It felt like they were in this exclusive club that I keep requesting membership to, but am continually turned down. I guess what is so hard about it is that I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember (I'm not joking here), and I'm watching my friends living my dream without me. I felt that A really wanted to swap stories with M about baby's development and things she is experiencing, etc. that she can't necessarily share with me because I haven't been there and I don't have any idea what it's like to be pregnant. I so wanted to be in that club with them.

Having said that, A was amazing to me. She is a true blue friend, and I am so lucky to know her. Even though she hasn't been in my shoes, she is so sensitive to my feelings and I know that she comes from a place of compassion and love. Surprisingly, the baby shower was way easier to handle than the dinner! It was fun, and I even got to feel some baby kicks. SO exciting (such a fascinating feeling), and a nice bonding moment for me and A.

I've been thinking so much about IF lately..

Our infertility is nobody's fault. I don't blame anyone for the hand we've been dealt. I understand that the pain I have felt from this is so minor compared to the suffering in this world. Reading the many IF blogs and the tragedies women have been faced with is a humbling experience, and I know that somehow this journey is meant to strengthen us individually and in our marriage, and give us perspective on the sanctity of the life we WILL someday create. Patience and hope are not lost!

Hmmm...wow.

Me (to pregfriend): "Wow, your pregnancy has gone by so fast! I can't believe you are already 71/2 months!!!"

Pregfriend: "Really? To me it has seemed so long. I mean, when the baby is born it will be almost a year that we started trying."

Me: Speechless

2ww: Day 7 (and pregnant bellies)...

I am halfway through my 2ww! Next Friday is my beta, and I am going to exercise will power to NOT take a HPT. I have zero early pregnancy symptoms (not that I expected much by now!), and have been feeling great.

Tonight is A's 30th birthday dinner. Yay! We have been friends since second grade, and I seriously cannot believe we are already 30 (well, I'm ALMOST 30). She is 5 months pregnant, and I haven't seen her bump yet. I am so excited, and I hope I don't get emotional. Other pregnant friend M will be there tonight, and her baby shower is tomorrow. Should be an interesting weekend..!

Praying for strength and unselfish thoughts (you know what I mean?) to get me through this weekend.

Taking the Month Off!

As weird as it might sound for someone who is desperate to be a mother, I am happy that we are not trying this month. I think after 13 months it is nice to have a month of not wondering, not obsessing over every little twinge, and not timing everything just perfectly! Hello spontaneity, old friend, we've missed you!

Having said that...why is it that when you are TTC, EVERYONE around you is pregnant? I'm not joking even a little bit here. There are three pregnant ladies in my neighborhood who walk by my house with their dogs (separately - I don't think they're friends) almost every day! Are they taunting me? In addition, every time I go to Walmart, Target, or Raley's I see at least 2 bellies. Every. Time. THREE different news stations have preggers ladies on their broadcasts!

Okay, was my rant for the week. I just had to get it out of my system, and I feel MUCH BETTER. I am truly not a Bitter Betty...only sometimes! My pity party is now over.

Our cabinets (and the whole kitchen for that matter) look fantastic! Last night DH stayed up finishing them. HE is fantastic. I'm such a blessed lady...