2009.

It's the time of year that we are all reflecting on the past and looking to the future. Looking back over my year, I have such a mix of emotions and memories. I am very glad that today is the last day of 2009.

When this year started, I had such high hopes for a better year since 7 months of 2008 were spent in ttc disappointment, sadness, and frustration. 11 months of 2009 absolutely sucked. I was a hormonal, bitter infertile for so many of those months...and of course the ectopic put the icing on the cake. Lameness personified.

The last few weeks of 2009 have been better than any other, but I can't say that I'm experiencing sheer bliss. I am guarded.

I am choosing to be optimistic about this because I know that it's the best thing for my general health right now. I am focused on being stress and worry free, but I haven't let the happiness in like I imagine many fertile women do in the first few weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, but not giddy. Just cautiously hopeful!

I, like many of you, am anticipating a better year in 2010. Even if portions of it are less than perfect, I think that overall this will be a much needed improvement.

I'm thinking of you all, no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you, sincerely, for being an amazing support system to me this year. You've made me feel so less alone in this unfair struggle.

Happy New Year!

Wow!

NP just called. Today's beta is 1,253.

Ultrasound in 3 weeks on January 18. Oh, how I am praying for this one to stick around.

Wow. I'm speechless.

(and I'm including the chart for reference):

Hard to Believe.

I am still finding myself in a state of disbelief about being pregnant. I find it very difficult to say the word and actually believe that it's me I'm talking about! I've spent the last year and 7 months wanting this, but now have trouble accepting that it's my time. I think the ectopic really messed me up in that way.

Right now, the symptoms are few..I've had a few gagging episodes, and "the girls" are bigger and more sore than they've ever been. I also occasionally get a few distinct twinges/dull cramps in my uterine region. Oh yeah, and I'm 5 days late for AF (no complaints here!). Comparatively, this seems much more "normal" than the last time I saw those two pink lines.

When my NP called last Wednesday to give me the beta score, I asked when they wanted to see me again for the next beta. She replied by explaining that they don't need to see me again! I was dumbfounded, and then proceeded to beg for another blood draw. I know that I'm just not going to be convinced by two betas.

I go in at 8:30 tomorrow. I'll post results when I have them!

Finally. (Warning: this is LOOONG).

Okay...so, you all know that I had an ectopic pregnancy with IUI#1 back in July. It was a nightmarish experience - one that I'm not going to relive in detail right now - and I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

First, because we were not immediately certain that it was ectopic (the numbers started low, then doubled, then tapered off), we told out families and few very close friends that we were pregnant. Of course, this ended up being a huge mistake because we then had to un-tell everyone. It was a pretty darn awful experience.

So...we decided to A) not tell anyone about our future treatments (we were so tired of the questions and advice we kept getting), and B) NOT TELL ANYONE FOR A LONG TIME once we did finally get pregnant. I was on a forced break from treatment in September and October - although we did try naturally - and then started treatment again in November. We did Femara (got two nice-looking follicles!) with hCG trigger and IUI only to have a BFN 2 days after Thanksgiving. I was very sad...I knew our chances of conceiving in 2009 were quickly fading.

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So this brings us to today. This month, M and I did our 3rd and final IUI because we are dead broke (we have ZERO IF insurance or coverage, and the surgery set us back even further). I convinced him to do this last one and then we could take a break with a TBD date of re-entry into the world of IF payments, meds, and HELL.

I started Acupuncture this month and it was awesome. LOVED IT> and will continue if I happen to inherit a small fortune. We did our IUI on December 10...with a natural lh surge! I was pretty bummed because although M's numbers and motility were awesome, I only had ONE follicle. Are you kidding me? My beta was scheduled for today at 13 dpo.

Of course, I had zero symptoms and was already preparing myself for a crappy Christmas. Until last Sunday (10 dpo). I was working on a scrapbook for my mom as a gift for Christmas, and I started feeling some interesting sensations in my nether regions. On a whim, I went to CVS and bought a FRER (because I'm so rich, right?). It was 12:00pm when I took it, so it wasn't FMU....and saw a very faint line. I started hyperventilating. I was in complete shock.

I waited for M to come home and verify that wasn't seeing things. We decided I would call the RE on Monday to see what we should do. Of course, I'm thinking that it's in my tube and I just want to catch it in time, so let's get these betas over with. My NP (whom I love) told me that they don't normally do betas at 11 dpo, but that she would do it for me because she knew I would be a neurotic mess of I had to wait until Wednesday (gotta love her). So I went in on Monday at 11 am. The number as 27. NP told me that the doc was very pleased with such a great number at such an early stage.

So..of course I continued to POAS just to put my mind at ease until today. The line was getting gradually darker, so I knew it was going up. When I got today's results I was floored. We had calculated that it should be AT LEAST (with a 60% rise) in the 40s....but mine was 82!!!!! I convinced her to let me come in next Tuesday for another beta.

NP and doc say that I am pregnant. I want to say that I am pregnant. M says he'll believe it when he sees a baby. I still can't help but smile and enjoy it while it lasts, even if that is just a little while.

Merry Christmas!

Love me some snow.

So..it's snow day today...which means NO SCHOOL!!! Gotta love the day off and a chance to relax in front of the fire with my pooch.

Drinking coffee from my santa mug + reading + fire + snow falling outside + Christmas music + tree lights = joy and contentment in my heart.

M and I dote so much on this spoiled rotten dog, we joked last night that it is ABOUT TIME for a kid! Charlie might have just a few problems with some competition, though ;)

I love this season. Here are some pics of Charlie's morning romp in the snow!!

Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!