My New Joy.

Life Changing

Life with a newborn: I started this post 3 days ago!!

There are so many things on my mind since Zachary's birth, but the words to express my feelings are hard to come by. This baby boy has changed our lives in so many ways; but most importantly, I feel that M and I have discovered the meaning of true, unconditional love.

The labor and birth of this little miracle was much like our attempts at ttc: long, painful, and not at all what I would have planned for myself. However, the perfect creation that resulted from my efforts has been more than worth what we went through.

It started last Friday (the 20th) at 5:15 as I was awakening from a nap. I felt a low kick from the baby and then a popping sensation followed by GUSHING water. When I say gushing, it's no joke and it just keeps coming. The problem was that I was in bed and needed to get to the bathroom without soaking our carpet!! Quite the challenge. With heart racing, I called M (he was in his home office working that day!). His first response was to start cleaning up the water I had gushed all over the room! I hurriedly gathered the last few items to put in the bag (and also snuck a shower in), and M got everything else ready to go. Within 45 minutes we were on our way to the hospital!

My contractions picked up very quickly once we were settled in to our room. Because my water had broken and my first cervical check revealed I was only 2 cm dilated, they put me on a low dose of pitocin. Within 2 hours I had progressed to 6 cm and was READY for my epidural! And let me say, what a sweet relief that was. I loved every second of it!

The rest of my labor was slower..it took me until 4 am to reach a full 10 cm., at which point I was ready to start pushing. Pushing turned out to be so much different (and harder) than I thought it would be. Mostly because of the epidural, as I couldn't feel a thing! The nurses and M were awesome and were telling me that I was doing an awesome job, but it was so hard for me to tell, and each push drained so much energy from me....keep in mind we'd already been up all night long!

After an hour of pushing my OB came and checked my progress. He told me that baby was having a hard time descending further, despite the great pushing I was doing. He also noted that the baby had a swollen head as a result of being squished against my pubic bone. He wanted me to keep on truckin', so I did. For TWO MORE HOURS. Turns out the little guy's head and shoulders were just too wide to make it through my narrow frame. A.K.A. pubic bone.

When they told me that the recommendation was c-section, I was very sad...BUT I was also extremely exhausted, so I knew that it truly was my only option. M suited up in his haz-mat suit (!!), and by 7:45 they were wheeling me into the O.R.

I think I slept through most of the actual surgery. I remember feeling tugging and hearing voices all around me, but not much else UNTIL I heard the sweetest sound: Zachary's beautiful cries. My heart leapt and then the sobs came in abundance. I couldn't believe I was hearing my baby's perfect cries, and just lost it right there on the table. M was over with Zach while they cleaned him up and he got to trim the umbilical cord. Shortly after, they brought him to me so I could kiss his sweet cheeks, and then they were gone (they take the c-section babies to the nursery to get weighed, measured, etc.).

The hour I spent in recovery was quite frankly the hardest and longest of my lifetime. Time literally stood still, and all I can remember is an intense feeling of sadness and helplessness as I begged the nurse to see my baby and my body shook uncontrollably with chills. At some point, M came back, and the pediatrician followed closely behind. She reported a clean bill of health, and of course all I could say was, "When can I see him?" Over and over and over again. At some point, someone told me they were going to keep him in the nursery for a few hours before I could see him. This is the point where I FREAKED out. As they were wheeling me to our postpartum room, I could see my family at the end of the hall looking into the nursery and taking pictures. I felt so absolutely helpless, and demanded that he be brought to me. I can't remember how much time passed (and truly, why I even had to wait at all), but he was finally brought to me, and the celebrations commenced.

We spent 4 days in the hospital - enough time for me to start to heal and become more mobile. It was nice to have the help of the nurses for those first days as we got to know our son, but we were READY to get home on Tuesday!!! Since then, life has been more amazing than words can express. Zachary is an expert breastfeeder, and while it's been a slight challenge due to my milk taking it's sweet time coming in, we are coping well..and I am healing quicker than I expected!

Okay..this is a loong post..more to come soon (I hope!).

Is this real??

He's here!

Zachary entered this beautiful world this morning at 8:05 a.m. after a 15 hour labor and a cesarean delivery. I will post more later, but for now enjoy some pics of my 9lb. 3 oz. beautiful baby boy! He's simply perfect.

It's Happening!

38w2d

My water broke at 5:15 this evening! We are at the hospital now. I am contracting, but the last time they checked I was just 2 cm dilated, so they started me on a low dose of pitocin to speed things along.

Elfie will be in our arms soon!!

38 and The Plug

38 weeks!

I am two weeks away from my due date, and last night I lost my plug. Well, at least part of it (not sure how big the entire thing is - sorry about TMI!). I was so excited because it means my cervix must be opening, right?? Of course I asked Dr. Google, and found that either labor is ready to begin OR it can be weeks still. It's quite possible it was loosened up at my appointment Tuesday. No way to tell at this point..so we continue to wait...

M and I met with our pediatrician yesterday. We both really like him. He gave us all his background information and we got to ask lots of questions. He seems to have a very gentle, calm demeanor. He comes highly recommended, and our OB sends his kids to him. I think we have a winner, folks! Good to know ahead of time since he'll be performing surgery on our little guy (circumcision) on his second day of life!

Check-Up

37w5d

Today's appointment went well! I am happy to report that I am now 70% effaced and a fingertip dilated...so it looks like there is some movement in the right direction. It's getting harder and harder to wait! My patience is about gone, and my irritability (hormones + no sleep = grumpy Katie) is increasing. Elfie has discovered that he loves to drum on my bladder at night, so I'm definitely spending more time on the toilet than in bed. Oh well. I guess I'd better get used to the lack of sleep...it's only going to get worse!

We go back next Monday for an ultrasound to see how big our guy is getting. If I don't begin labor before then, I am really looking forward to seeing his growth one last time!

Belly Up

I have been lazy about uploading the belly pics, so I apologize for three in one, but I just want to get them up for posterity!

This I just couldn't resist...it's just a few houses down from ours and was taken at 34w1d:


M took this one last night at 37w2d:


My belly has recently become extremely itchy, and I'm not real sure how much more stretching it can take!

37!

37 weeks! Elfie is FULL TERM!!!!

Okay, little man...all those months of pep-talks about staying nice and snug inside mommy are over! I now invite (beg, plead, pray for) you to join us on the outside. I know you like it in there; I would to! I promise, though, that there are so many people who will love you, snuggle you, tickle you, read to you, teach you, and give you a wonderful life out here...it's time now for you to meet them.

Daddy and I are counting the days until we can hold you in our arms and stare at your gorgeous face! Big Sis Lola and Big Bro Charlie can't wait to give you wet kisses all over. You're going to love them!

So..anytime you are ready, we're here with open arms and hearts. Love you, munchkin!

3 years

M and I celebrated our 3-year anniversary today. Shortly after we were married, we hit the challenge of conceiving, and weathered 20 months of heartbreak. We survived stronger than ever, and today are counting the days until our miracle arrives. God is good!

I am the most blessed woman to be married to this wonderful man. He has cared for me in our times of sorrow and joy, and continues to inspire me to be a better wife and friend. I couldn't be happier that this year I can give him the gift of fatherhood. If anyone deserves it most, he's the guy.

Love you Bubba!

Details

36w4d

Had my 36-week check-up this morning. Dr. D checked me and found that I am 60% effaced, but no dilation yet. I am just so glad to hear that we have some progress and my cervix isn't going to hold out like Fort Knox (knock on wood!). Elfie's head is low, but not engaged in the pelvis yet. I'm just hoping he stays head down! BH contractions are also definitely increasing in frequency and intensity. Yay!

My energy level seems to have increased in the past few days...but maybe it's because I have a new determination to get the house clean and be as physically active as I can! I mowed the lawn yesterday, and surprisingly did just fine with it. I thought it would wipe me out, but I felt great the rest of the day! This is such a wonderful feeling...maybe I truly CAN enjoy my pregnancy for these last final weeks!!!

The latest

35w4d

My goodness, where to begin? I feel like I have so much to say, and can't organize my thoughts. I have been an extremely bad blogger lately for a variety of reasons. This pregnancy is literally kicking my butt, and I didn't want this blog to turn into a forum for all my complaints. I'm a little bit over that now, as I feel I should be honest with myself and the world that it isn't all sunshine and roses for everyone!

Back when I was TTCing and undergoing treatments, I never dreamt that I'd someday be here, almost 36 weeks pregnant and actually wishing I wasn't pregnant anymore! It's an awful feeling after everything I've been through to get here, and all the years of longing for a baby inside of me. There are aspects of being pregnant that I love: feeling him move, bonding with him, reading and singing to him, watching him grow, knowing he's thriving, and dreaming of the day I meet him. Obviously, though, there are things about being pregnant that I can live without. I need to remind myself DAILY that this is sooooo temporary, that it WILL end soon, that I need to be more appreciative of this time, that it will become a distant memory...(so many people tell me that there's an amnesia we get after giving birth about all the icky pregnancy stuff that allows us to want to become pregnant again!), AND that the reason I am doing this is because for the rest of my life I will get the privilege of being this little boy's mommy -- a gift that compares with nothing, and a love that isn't matched.

I'm bulleting the last month because there's just too much:

• The painful contractions have subsided, meaning I don't have to rely on the terbutaline to keep me sane. I do, however, continue to have frequent BH contractions.
• Our family and friends threw us an amazing couples' baby shower and we had a blast seeing everyone all together!
  
• M and I have attended 2 out of our three classes: the all-day childbirth class, which was EXCELLENT (I learned so much about the actual labor process and what to expect from our hospital); and the breastfeeding class, which helped calm some of my anxieties. This Thursday we will go to Newborn Care class to finish up the series.
  
• Starting at 32 weeks I developed a pinched nerve right next to my belly button that caused excruciating pain when I stood up or walked around. It lasted until 34.5 weeks, although my doc had said that could very well be painful throughout the rest of my pregnant days. This was awful for me, since the only way I could get relief was to sit or lie down to take the pressure from the weight of Elfie off my belly button. I was banished to the couch and could really only get up to go to the bathroom before it got too painful. SO GLAD that it's gone now...knock on wood! Oh yes, at one point it was so bad that my friend was visiting from out-of-town and she took me to Wal.Mart and pushed me around in a wheelchair just so I could get some shopping done! Talk about humiliating (and hilarious all at the same time!).
  
• My pelvis feels like it's being ripped apart.
• Elfie's room is totally complete, and I promise I'll post some pics soon. It's my happy place :) I even have all his 0-3 month clothes washed and ready.
  
• I'm not getting enough sleep (yes, I know that this is preparation for what's to come!) because my hips ache and Elfie either throws a dance party or has long-lasting hiccups in the middle of the night. Every. Night.
• I am experiencing horrible pain and pressure right on the top of my pelvis from the weight of this kid. It's constant, and makes walking very difficult. It sort of feels like any muscles right there are being torn on a daily basis.
• I can't breathe and become winded and sweaty even just sitting on the couch talking on the phone in my air-conditioned house.
• We have our hospital bag packed. Yowza. I think this might just be real.
  
• I can no longer shave my legs. It's embarrassing how disgusting I'm sure they are, and the same goes for my feet. I need a pedicure just to clip my toenails...which grow at the rate of the weeds in my backyard that I can't bend over to pick.
• Getting dressed is a CHORE, and NOTHING fits anymore, so I do laundry every other day for the 5 items I can still wear. I'll be damned if I'm buying anything new now!
• And while we're on the subject of clothes, none of my bras fit.....what's a girl to do?! Everyone tells me to wait until he's born to buy nursing bras since the girls are going to explode once again...does anyone have insight into this? Opinions?

Okay, so I know that this did end up sounding complain-y. But it feels good to get it all out there! Thanks for enduring it all!