We moved to our New City in June 2008. We had just started TTC, and the first thing we did upon buying the house was to adopt Charlie, our handsome Black Lab. I was not at the point of concern in our baby journey at that point...just blissfully unaware. One day in July I took the rambunctious little bugger for a walk to the park(has anyone attempted to walk a 3-month old Labrador? Impossible...but that's a whole other story). I sat down on a bench where a woman was nursing her teeny little baby girl. I smiled at her and struck up a conversation..she told that she and her husband had also recently moved to New City, and that their baby was 2 months old. We chatted a few minutes more, and I scooted along with "Trouble" tagging me along. I remember wondering of someday I would run into her again with my own child. At that time, I thought I was very close to becoming pregnant!
Throughout the year and 4 months since then, I've thought of her a few times..wondering if they still lived here and how old their baby was. I look for her when I walk my now well-behaved, mature canine.
Today I was standing in line at the post office, and I looked up to see that she was being waited on at the counter. Once I realized it was her, I looked around for baby girl...but didn't see here anywhere. I couldn't help but overhear her conversation with the guy helping her. He was asking about her daughter. I heard her saying that the little girl is 18 months now (quick mental math told me that yes, that is the exact amount of time we have been trying)...and then she said, "And I only have 5 more weeks with this one!" At which point she turned, and sure enough her big, beautiful pregnant belly came into focus.
I was so taken aback! It seemed so recently that I met her with her teeny, tiny baby...and here she is about to give birth again! When I met her that day I was so excited at the thought that I would have a baby soon!
The thing is...I don't know her story. For all I know, these two children were IVF babies...I just couldn't help but say, "Really?"
And since I've been such a complainer lately, I feel some gratitude comin' on..
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Being prepared for my big Thanksgiving Feast that is in just over two weeks!! That's right, folks...I have never made a turkey, and this year I'll be cooking for 14 adults and 4 children. Needless to say, I started planning a few months ago (that's the teacher in me), so that the few days prior to the BIG DAY wouldn't be spent in stressful chaos.
2. Cold weather - I LOVE snuggling up in front of the fire!
3. My hard-working, loving, reassuring, practical hubby. He is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better life partner.
4. My MIL and her fabulous Monday night meal, and her amazing photographic skills!
5. Organization and creativity.
6. Snuggles with my furbabies...even when they act like I am smothering them, I know they secretly love the doting attentiveness. I can't help it! M told me recently (as I was tucking Charlie in for bed) that it's time for a BABY, or else the dog is going to get a crib and a stroller!
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Halloween
I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.
When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.
M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.
I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.
In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.
I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.
When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.
M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.
I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.
In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.
I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Being Flexible
I posted a few months back about making plans, and how everything we thought we'd be doing this year pretty much hasn't happened. I wrote about how it's been hard mentally rearranging plans for our future. When my friend M told me last November that she and her hubby were starting ttc, I thought, "Well, I've been trying for 7 months...I'm sure I'll be pregnant soon." M was pregnant immediately, and her baby was born on Sunday. Hmmm..change of plans.
Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.
And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.
One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.
Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.
If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?
Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.
And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.
One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.
Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.
If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Plans.
It's striking to me that although I make plans for a living (literally!), I've had to rearrange plans in my personal life for over a year now. We have a bedroom upstairs that I planned to be baby's room since the day we made the offer on our house. Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I wanted it to be the other upstairs room that M wanted for his office. He won...and it's a good thing, since there's no baby to occupy that room now - and we've been in our house for a year! But it's there, and it's not holding anthing I planned it to!
It used to be that I would hold off on buying regular clothes because I thought that I'd be needing maternity clothes in the near future. It was always in the back of my mind. I have given up on that plan for awhile!
I went in that room the other day. We have a queen bed in there that is used when we have more that one couple visiting (there's a real guest room downstairs). Also in there is everything I've collected for baby since we began TTC. It's not much, but when I think about how long it's been sitting there, I get a little sad. Last May, my SIL gave us her kids' baby furniture (crib and bassinet), so it's in there, disassembled and pathetic looking. In addition, last June my brother went to Paris and brought us back a onesie that says Paris on it. I had told him not long before that we were starting to try, and it was such a sweet gesture for him to think of us as parents while he was there. I remember the elation of seeing how small and sweet-looking it is, and thinking, "I'm going to be a mom!" Of course, I thought it would be much sooner than now.
I keep that door closed. While we are busy planning for the rest of the house..."What color to paint the bedroom? The office? How much would new floors cost? Should we extend our backyard patio?"..We haven't had one discussion about what to do with that room. In my head, I've pictured different decorations and colors (and of course every time I'm in a store I take small detours to the infant section), but it's never been something we actually plan to do until we see those two glorious pink lines. I think it's better this way. Even just going in there and seeing the few items we have is a hard reminder...so we'll celebrate when we know it's real and happening for us. Until then, we'll just keep making other plans.
It used to be that I would hold off on buying regular clothes because I thought that I'd be needing maternity clothes in the near future. It was always in the back of my mind. I have given up on that plan for awhile!
I went in that room the other day. We have a queen bed in there that is used when we have more that one couple visiting (there's a real guest room downstairs). Also in there is everything I've collected for baby since we began TTC. It's not much, but when I think about how long it's been sitting there, I get a little sad. Last May, my SIL gave us her kids' baby furniture (crib and bassinet), so it's in there, disassembled and pathetic looking. In addition, last June my brother went to Paris and brought us back a onesie that says Paris on it. I had told him not long before that we were starting to try, and it was such a sweet gesture for him to think of us as parents while he was there. I remember the elation of seeing how small and sweet-looking it is, and thinking, "I'm going to be a mom!" Of course, I thought it would be much sooner than now.
I keep that door closed. While we are busy planning for the rest of the house..."What color to paint the bedroom? The office? How much would new floors cost? Should we extend our backyard patio?"..We haven't had one discussion about what to do with that room. In my head, I've pictured different decorations and colors (and of course every time I'm in a store I take small detours to the infant section), but it's never been something we actually plan to do until we see those two glorious pink lines. I think it's better this way. Even just going in there and seeing the few items we have is a hard reminder...so we'll celebrate when we know it's real and happening for us. Until then, we'll just keep making other plans.
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