Life Changing

Life with a newborn: I started this post 3 days ago!!

There are so many things on my mind since Zachary's birth, but the words to express my feelings are hard to come by. This baby boy has changed our lives in so many ways; but most importantly, I feel that M and I have discovered the meaning of true, unconditional love.

The labor and birth of this little miracle was much like our attempts at ttc: long, painful, and not at all what I would have planned for myself. However, the perfect creation that resulted from my efforts has been more than worth what we went through.

It started last Friday (the 20th) at 5:15 as I was awakening from a nap. I felt a low kick from the baby and then a popping sensation followed by GUSHING water. When I say gushing, it's no joke and it just keeps coming. The problem was that I was in bed and needed to get to the bathroom without soaking our carpet!! Quite the challenge. With heart racing, I called M (he was in his home office working that day!). His first response was to start cleaning up the water I had gushed all over the room! I hurriedly gathered the last few items to put in the bag (and also snuck a shower in), and M got everything else ready to go. Within 45 minutes we were on our way to the hospital!

My contractions picked up very quickly once we were settled in to our room. Because my water had broken and my first cervical check revealed I was only 2 cm dilated, they put me on a low dose of pitocin. Within 2 hours I had progressed to 6 cm and was READY for my epidural! And let me say, what a sweet relief that was. I loved every second of it!

The rest of my labor was slower..it took me until 4 am to reach a full 10 cm., at which point I was ready to start pushing. Pushing turned out to be so much different (and harder) than I thought it would be. Mostly because of the epidural, as I couldn't feel a thing! The nurses and M were awesome and were telling me that I was doing an awesome job, but it was so hard for me to tell, and each push drained so much energy from me....keep in mind we'd already been up all night long!

After an hour of pushing my OB came and checked my progress. He told me that baby was having a hard time descending further, despite the great pushing I was doing. He also noted that the baby had a swollen head as a result of being squished against my pubic bone. He wanted me to keep on truckin', so I did. For TWO MORE HOURS. Turns out the little guy's head and shoulders were just too wide to make it through my narrow frame. A.K.A. pubic bone.

When they told me that the recommendation was c-section, I was very sad...BUT I was also extremely exhausted, so I knew that it truly was my only option. M suited up in his haz-mat suit (!!), and by 7:45 they were wheeling me into the O.R.

I think I slept through most of the actual surgery. I remember feeling tugging and hearing voices all around me, but not much else UNTIL I heard the sweetest sound: Zachary's beautiful cries. My heart leapt and then the sobs came in abundance. I couldn't believe I was hearing my baby's perfect cries, and just lost it right there on the table. M was over with Zach while they cleaned him up and he got to trim the umbilical cord. Shortly after, they brought him to me so I could kiss his sweet cheeks, and then they were gone (they take the c-section babies to the nursery to get weighed, measured, etc.).

The hour I spent in recovery was quite frankly the hardest and longest of my lifetime. Time literally stood still, and all I can remember is an intense feeling of sadness and helplessness as I begged the nurse to see my baby and my body shook uncontrollably with chills. At some point, M came back, and the pediatrician followed closely behind. She reported a clean bill of health, and of course all I could say was, "When can I see him?" Over and over and over again. At some point, someone told me they were going to keep him in the nursery for a few hours before I could see him. This is the point where I FREAKED out. As they were wheeling me to our postpartum room, I could see my family at the end of the hall looking into the nursery and taking pictures. I felt so absolutely helpless, and demanded that he be brought to me. I can't remember how much time passed (and truly, why I even had to wait at all), but he was finally brought to me, and the celebrations commenced.

We spent 4 days in the hospital - enough time for me to start to heal and become more mobile. It was nice to have the help of the nurses for those first days as we got to know our son, but we were READY to get home on Tuesday!!! Since then, life has been more amazing than words can express. Zachary is an expert breastfeeder, and while it's been a slight challenge due to my milk taking it's sweet time coming in, we are coping well..and I am healing quicker than I expected!

Okay..this is a loong post..more to come soon (I hope!).

Halloween

I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.

When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.

M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.

I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.

In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.

I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.

Getting Impatient (ha!)

Why is it that when you don't want anything to do with AF, she shows up with her 6 million suitcases in preparation for a long visit.....and when you want NOTHING MORE than to see her, she is nowhere in sight? Seriously? Can a girl get a break? I'd like to check AF #1 off my list SOMETIME in September.

In other news, today I got to see some pics of M's new (week-old) darling little girl. If there is one thing that snaps me out of my IF funk, it's the sight of a gorgeous new baby. Forget jealousy, forget sadness, forget impatience. The sight of a new baby is and always will be my saving grace.