10 Months

It's been 4 months since I've taken the time to post. I'm such a slacker, but really I have other reasons for limiting my posting activity. Lately I've been hesitant to post a lot of pics...and am even thinking of taking my blog private. Haven't decided yet.

But for now, I am so happy to report that life continues to be more fabulous than we'd ever imagined. Our little boy (he hardly seems like a baby anymore) is incredibly active, inquisitive, and entertaining. He is just starting to cruise the furniture and has tried standing on his own a few times. It's crazy how quickly time is flying! We are already starting to plan his first birthday party....

....and we're starting to talk about trying for another baby. Keep us in your prayers as we begin that craziness all over again. Uggh!

Here are a few recents of my little man:

In the backyard:


With M on Father's Day:


At the Sprinkler Park:


Eating Sand at Lake Tahoe:

Thoughts from an Infertile Mother

Stunned.

That's how I feel sometimes. I know this might be hard to believe, but I still find myself thinking that this is all too good to be true. That I'm going to wake from the dream. That I'm not actually a mother. The one thing I've longed for as long as I can remember is happening, and I still need to pinch myself. Will I ever fully accept that this dream came true?

*******

I made a decision shortly after Zachary was born to be as involved as possible in the moms' groups I had joined. Every weekday morning, Z and I haul ourselves to Baby Bootcamp in an attempt to reclaim my abdominal muscles (among others), and hang out with other moms and babies. It's really a great time. Z gets to socialize while I get a great workout AND we get out of the house! Another group I regularly attend is for breastfeeding/parenting support. Within that group, I've connected with some moms whose babies were all born in August. As you can imagine, we all have a lot to talk about, as our parenting experiences are so similar. We meet for lunch once a week, and I love, love, love it.

The reason I mention these activities is twofold: I want to stress the fact that I willingly do as much as I can to connect to other women who are experiencing what I am, and that I do truly enjoy the conversations and friendships I am forming as a result.

But there is something that sets me apart from the women I've met.

None of the women I've met have struggled with infertility. And yes, in case you're wondering, the topic of "how long it took me to get pregnant" comes up in conversations women have about pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. Especially because the conversations inevitably lead to the topic of "are you going to have another one?" I'm amazed at how candidly some women will speak about their sex lives and how many times they "did it" in order to conceive their babies (yes, they can all count on one hand)...and how they have to be ULTRA careful, lest they have an "oopsie" baby for number two.

Maybe I thought that once I had Zachary that my feelings of exclusion from this "elite" group would be erased. After all, I would have my baby in my arms and nobody would know what pain I had endured to get to that point. I haven't told anyone our story. Not sure why, I guess just because all their stories are so different from mine yet similar to each others', I just haven't felt like explaining or tapping back into that emotion. And possibly because I don't want pity or anything of that sort. I think maybe it's because I don't believe that anyone who hasn't endured it can possibly empathize or understand. Or maybe I've closed the door on that chapter because the joy of my reality now is just too palpable...and I don't want to go back to that pain. So I just listen to them talk and my silence allows me to pretend that it was just that easy for me, too.

But here's the kicker:

As I sit here and reflect, I find my self glad to not be a member of that club. And here's the reason: I am already a member of a group of women who have wept, and kicked, and screamed, and prayed, and dreamed, and hoped, and supported, and shared, and been determined to be mothers. Women who have gone to hell and back in order to have babies. Women who will always, always, always have the ability to say to their children, "I fought hard for you. You were wanted more than you'll ever know." When I read some of the war stories of you beautiful, strong women, I marvel at your voracity, your steadfastness, and determination. I'm so proud to be your peer.

I know that women who had babies easily are not to be faulted. I don't hold it against them that they got pregnant without a good fight. I love my fertile friends dearly, and I know they love, love, love their children.

But I also know what it took for me to be living this dream. I know that my chubby, goofy, precious, perfect little man wouldn't be here had I not stuck to that dream. And boy, would that be a sad, sad thing.

Roll with it!

Our little man is now officially rolling both ways! In December he started rolling from tummy to back, and just yesterday he FINALLY figured out the back to tummy route! Now I can't stop him!

I will try to post a video soon, but wanted to get this on the record before I forget. Here's a recent pic of our big boy!

Zachary is 5 months!

Oh boy, what a month this has been! It seems as though so many things have changed since my last post.

First and foremost on my mind right now is our new sleeping issues. Zachary has decided that naps are overrated. Actually, he has no problem going down to sleep, but staying in dreamland has proven difficult for him. He goes to sleep in our arms, and we put him in his crib...only to awaken 20 minutes later. Every. Single. Time. In addition, he continues to wake every three hours at night. I have been *trying* to night-wean him, but to no avail. We threw our hands up in frustration, and finally broke down and bought the book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution. So far, I'm learning a lot about babies' sleep cycles and the relationship between good naps and good nighttime sleep. There are great tips in the book about getting the "short napper" to extend his sleep, and we are in the process of trying a few different strategies. We are not proponents of "Cry it Out," so this book seems perfectly suited to our needs. Many of my friends have told me that their babies had similar sleep issues at this age, and that "everything is temporary!" I know this is true, but we still need our sleep!

Zachary is quickly developing an adorable little personality! He belly laughs daily now, and especially loves men (Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle) playing Peek-a-Boo with him. Must be related to the deep voice and the element of startle he gets, but he seriously cracks up. It's so much fun to watch!

Just recently, he discovered his toes. He lays on his playmat and raises his legs so he can grab his toes. I'm not sure he's really aware of what he's doing at this point..he probably just thinks he's grabbing a toy! Cute nonetheless.

We started Zachary on solids two weeks ago. He is LOVING it. I received a Beaba Babycook for Christmas and have been making him some great purees. So far he has eaten avocado, oatmeal, pears, apples, sweet potatoes, squash, and banana. He likes everything except the squash, so I mix in some fruit with it to make it sweet. He's a great little eater; problem is, we can't get the food in his mouth fast enough! He loves to "protest" between bites. Hilarious!

I've found my Baby Bjorn and Moby Wrap to be life savers lately. Because Zachary is in constant need of stimulation, sometimes the jumperoo, swing, and playmat are just not enough for him. He loves to watch me do the dishes and make dinner while I wear him. He is fascinated with the running water and sounds of pots and pans banging!

My little chunk is now 27 inches long and weighs 16.5 pounds. He is getting really heavy and quickly outgrowing clothes. He's still wearing mostly 3-6 months, but I was surprised to recently discover that a lot of his 6-12 and 6-9 months clothes are fitting. He's just about to graduate into the size 3 diapers. Craziness!