Thoughts from an Infertile Mother

Stunned.

That's how I feel sometimes. I know this might be hard to believe, but I still find myself thinking that this is all too good to be true. That I'm going to wake from the dream. That I'm not actually a mother. The one thing I've longed for as long as I can remember is happening, and I still need to pinch myself. Will I ever fully accept that this dream came true?

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I made a decision shortly after Zachary was born to be as involved as possible in the moms' groups I had joined. Every weekday morning, Z and I haul ourselves to Baby Bootcamp in an attempt to reclaim my abdominal muscles (among others), and hang out with other moms and babies. It's really a great time. Z gets to socialize while I get a great workout AND we get out of the house! Another group I regularly attend is for breastfeeding/parenting support. Within that group, I've connected with some moms whose babies were all born in August. As you can imagine, we all have a lot to talk about, as our parenting experiences are so similar. We meet for lunch once a week, and I love, love, love it.

The reason I mention these activities is twofold: I want to stress the fact that I willingly do as much as I can to connect to other women who are experiencing what I am, and that I do truly enjoy the conversations and friendships I am forming as a result.

But there is something that sets me apart from the women I've met.

None of the women I've met have struggled with infertility. And yes, in case you're wondering, the topic of "how long it took me to get pregnant" comes up in conversations women have about pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. Especially because the conversations inevitably lead to the topic of "are you going to have another one?" I'm amazed at how candidly some women will speak about their sex lives and how many times they "did it" in order to conceive their babies (yes, they can all count on one hand)...and how they have to be ULTRA careful, lest they have an "oopsie" baby for number two.

Maybe I thought that once I had Zachary that my feelings of exclusion from this "elite" group would be erased. After all, I would have my baby in my arms and nobody would know what pain I had endured to get to that point. I haven't told anyone our story. Not sure why, I guess just because all their stories are so different from mine yet similar to each others', I just haven't felt like explaining or tapping back into that emotion. And possibly because I don't want pity or anything of that sort. I think maybe it's because I don't believe that anyone who hasn't endured it can possibly empathize or understand. Or maybe I've closed the door on that chapter because the joy of my reality now is just too palpable...and I don't want to go back to that pain. So I just listen to them talk and my silence allows me to pretend that it was just that easy for me, too.

But here's the kicker:

As I sit here and reflect, I find my self glad to not be a member of that club. And here's the reason: I am already a member of a group of women who have wept, and kicked, and screamed, and prayed, and dreamed, and hoped, and supported, and shared, and been determined to be mothers. Women who have gone to hell and back in order to have babies. Women who will always, always, always have the ability to say to their children, "I fought hard for you. You were wanted more than you'll ever know." When I read some of the war stories of you beautiful, strong women, I marvel at your voracity, your steadfastness, and determination. I'm so proud to be your peer.

I know that women who had babies easily are not to be faulted. I don't hold it against them that they got pregnant without a good fight. I love my fertile friends dearly, and I know they love, love, love their children.

But I also know what it took for me to be living this dream. I know that my chubby, goofy, precious, perfect little man wouldn't be here had I not stuck to that dream. And boy, would that be a sad, sad thing.

The In-Between

Over the past year I have read many Infertility-turned-Pregnancy Blogs, so I've had some idea of what emotions to expect in this new phase. I've read about guilt: "why me when there are so many others who are suffering and have been through much worse?" I've read about the questioning: "when can I truly be happy about this pregnancy and forget the fears of miscarriage that IF brings?" I've been able to relate to all of these emotions. But the one I never understood was the impatience: "why is it so hard to wait for ultrasounds, appointments, confirmations, etc.?"

Until now.

As an infertile, I never understood the impatience of many pregnant infertiles..the complaints about time moving slowly between appointments, always wondering if the baby was still alive and well, and other feelings of "when is this going to happen?" I always muttered to myself, "JUST BE THANKFUL YOU"RE PREGNANT!!!!"
Now that I am "on the other side," I have a completely different perspective.

I was EXTREMELY SPOILED in weeks 7, 8, and 9 of my pregnancy. I got to see Elfie once a week and it gave me the confirmation I needed that all was fine and that I really was pregnant. When I went to the OB last week I was not expecting an ultrasound; in fact, I might have actually turned it down had he offered because I've been reading a few things about what the fetus actually experiences...and wanted to start limiting the exposure.

What I wasn't expecting, however, is this feeling of maybe I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't really have any justified reason for feeling this way. My boobs are still sore, I am hungry all the time, I sleep like it's going out of style, I'm a urinating fool, and I haven't had any more bleeding or spotting. I even get nauseated at night still.

BUT.

I'm not showing yet, and some of the bloatedness of the first 10 weeks is dissipating. Sometimes I wake up and just don't "feel" pregnant. I have a slight rounding of the abdomen, but in the mornings it is so small that I wonder if something happened. Logically, I know that I shouldn't have a bump yet, especially since Dr. D showed me where my ute is, and it is still deep down in my lower abdomen.

I think what's getting me is that I have to wait 3 more weeks for an appointment. I know that this is not a super long time to wait. I know that in the big picture, this is nothing. Since I have all these impatient, questioning feelings, it is making the wait excruciating.

You'd think that someone who waited 20 months to even become pregnant would have a better head on her shoulders about such a thing. Wow. What have I become?!

I know some of you are rolling your eyes..but I promised myself I'd write openly and honestly about this adventure, and this has been on mind a lot lately.

2009.

It's the time of year that we are all reflecting on the past and looking to the future. Looking back over my year, I have such a mix of emotions and memories. I am very glad that today is the last day of 2009.

When this year started, I had such high hopes for a better year since 7 months of 2008 were spent in ttc disappointment, sadness, and frustration. 11 months of 2009 absolutely sucked. I was a hormonal, bitter infertile for so many of those months...and of course the ectopic put the icing on the cake. Lameness personified.

The last few weeks of 2009 have been better than any other, but I can't say that I'm experiencing sheer bliss. I am guarded.

I am choosing to be optimistic about this because I know that it's the best thing for my general health right now. I am focused on being stress and worry free, but I haven't let the happiness in like I imagine many fertile women do in the first few weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, but not giddy. Just cautiously hopeful!

I, like many of you, am anticipating a better year in 2010. Even if portions of it are less than perfect, I think that overall this will be a much needed improvement.

I'm thinking of you all, no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you, sincerely, for being an amazing support system to me this year. You've made me feel so less alone in this unfair struggle.

Happy New Year!

Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!

Numbness with a little bit of life thrown in.

BFN after BFN (after bfn after bfn after bfn!) usually makes me really sad. By sad, I mean throwing myself on the bed in a ball of tears. Lately, though, I've noticed that I haven't been reacting the same way to my failures. There is an underlying sadness in everything I do, but in many ways I have become numb to the pain that is there everytime AF shows and I fail to become a mother. It's been almost 19 months. I can't help but ask if it will ever happen for us. There is no way we will be able to afford this if it goes on much longer. We are so tapped out.

This past month I was extremely busy preparing for Thanksgiving, so between that, working, and choir rehearsals, I didn't have much time to dwell on my infertility. It was nice. But it was also another of many failures on the TTC front. This new detachment is surprising to me. Me. Not a mother. Not pregnant. Not hopeful.

Everyone is telling me to be positive, and deep inside I know I should be. But I don't know how to do that right now.

Halloween

I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.

When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.

M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.

I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.

In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.

I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.

Slacker

Hello friends! My apologies about being a SLACKER blogger lately. I've been enjoying catching up on my reading though, and have a few updates of my own.

It's been a really nice break from TTC. M and I have been doing a lot lately; family visits, baby showers, retirement parties, work, and enjoying the new Fall weather has really helped to keep our minds off of being childless (and infertile!).

In the past two weeks our family has had some devastating news. One of my grandmothers was diagnosed with terminal cancer of five different organs. She is managing her pain and nausea at home with hospice nurses, but knows that the end is imminent. It is so heartbreaking to know that there's nothing we can do except tell her how much we love her and to make her as comfortable as possible. It's so unfair that a woman who took such good care of herself her entire life (she's in her eighties now) and whose mind is sharp as a tack is left with this in her final days. But I guess we all know about the unfairness of life.

In addition to this sadness, another grandmother passed on a week and a half ago. She was ill for a long time, and thankfully I had many opportunities to say my goodbyes and give her love and kisses. It is still so sad though. No matter how prepared you might think you are to let someone go, there is nothing like the finality of death - knowing you will never see that person in this lifetime again - to make you weep. I am currently working on putting together a photo slideshow of her life for the memorial on Oct. 17th. What has been especially bittersweet for me while working on this project is reflecting back on how many memories I have with this very special woman. I had (almost exactly) 30 awesome years with her, and I desperately want my children to know their grandparents the same way. Every month that passes without a pregnancy reminds me of the time we are losing. This is the hardest part of IF in my opinion.

In better news, I am turning 30. TOMORROW. Yikes! Unfortunately, a cold virus has invaded my sinuses and lungs, so right now my celebration is limited to some valuable time with my neti pot and some hot tea. The ILs are cooking up a dinner for me tonight, and I suspect M might have something up his sleeve for tomorrow, but other than that it is a LOW KEY b-day. So glad for that!

Couldn't Resist

I have read this on a few of the IF blogs I follow, and I couldn't resist sharing it with my IRL friends, and fellow IF bloggers. I absolutely love this.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Gratitude and IF

I haven't posted about my gratitude lately, so here goes...

Today I am grateful for...

1. A beautiful day yesterday: nice morning walk with hubby and puppy, productive fun with friend in the afternoon, and libations with ILs in the evening.

2. A month of birthdays! My hubby, mom, dad, and step-dad are all September babies, so it's a month of non-stop fun...(and of course I'm shortly after in October!). Today is Dad's - happy birthday old man!

3. Relaxing at home with movies.

4. The (official) beginning of Fall tomorrow..although our weather has yet to reflect it.

5. My mom's retirement celebration next weekend, and getting to see my brother!

6. Peace and patience.

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And, on the IF front, I had an opportunity to get some really good advice this weekend:

1. Just relax! I did with all of mine, and it worked perfectly!
2. Try to not think about it, and enjoy all your blessings.
3. Don't worry, it'll happen.

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard this...!

Ironically, this advice didn't bother me as much as it has in the past. I think I'm in a much better spot emotionally than I have been in the past 6 months. Maybe it's just that I'm used to it, and have come to expect such comments from people who don't know what it's like to struggle with IF. Recently, M said something to a group of us who were discussing IF that I missed at the time, but my friend repeated to me the other day:

People are doing the best they can with their own knowledge and life experiences.

What I take this to mean is that I shouldn't be so quick to react to what I perceive as fertiles being insensitive to my struggle, when they have no idea or experience with infertility! Honestly, I might have been one to say something like that if I hadn't experienced IF...who knows? Do we ever really step out of our shoes and try to imagine other people's pain in such a way that it's the same as experiencing it? No...We can't possibly. When I stop to think about this, I'm pretty sure there have been times I've made "insensitive" comments about situations I had no experience with.

It's raining pregnancies!

I really have nothing too exciting to post about my own life right now. Just working and counting the days until AF #2...at which point I will start counting the days until AF #3! I have definitely been keeping up with my reading, and am all caught up on the lives of my IF sisters..

..and the TWO more recent BFPS! Amber just got a surprise positive, after being on a break. Perhaps she was just "relaxed" enough?! Ha! A big congrats to her!

Additionally, Natalie received a beautiful second pink line after many years of heartbreak. I can't think of a woman more deserving of the joys of motherhood, especially after all she has experienced and survived. Congrats and sticky vibes to her!

I have now appropriately moved these lovely ladies to the "Baking the Bun" portion of my blog. Now, in the first time in my blogging history, I have more buddies in that category that in the "Preheating the Oven" portion! This, my friends, gives me hope.

1 down, 2 to go!

AF #1: check.

Boy, I guess all you have to do get a visitor is complain! Yup, she showed up today with her 2 friends Pain and Bloating. Oh yeah, and in her suitcase she packed little PMS.

So happy am I...

Getting Impatient (ha!)

Why is it that when you don't want anything to do with AF, she shows up with her 6 million suitcases in preparation for a long visit.....and when you want NOTHING MORE than to see her, she is nowhere in sight? Seriously? Can a girl get a break? I'd like to check AF #1 off my list SOMETIME in September.

In other news, today I got to see some pics of M's new (week-old) darling little girl. If there is one thing that snaps me out of my IF funk, it's the sight of a gorgeous new baby. Forget jealousy, forget sadness, forget impatience. The sight of a new baby is and always will be my saving grace.

Being Flexible

I posted a few months back about making plans, and how everything we thought we'd be doing this year pretty much hasn't happened. I wrote about how it's been hard mentally rearranging plans for our future. When my friend M told me last November that she and her hubby were starting ttc, I thought, "Well, I've been trying for 7 months...I'm sure I'll be pregnant soon." M was pregnant immediately, and her baby was born on Sunday. Hmmm..change of plans.

Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.

And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.

One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.

Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.

If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?

Been MIA...

Boy, oh boy, it's been a crazy fun two weeks! The fun began week before last with a much-needed and anticipated visit from my friend E. We had a blast together, but of course it was too short! I played tour guide and we hit all the must-do hot spots (she's never been to my city before..), and we spent a bunch of time crafting homemade cards. The day E left I got a visit from my friend H... hers was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but awesome nonetheless. H left on the 20th, and the next day M and I packed up the car and headed off on out BIG ADVENTURE.

We planned to hit up some friends who recently moved to a new city in a new state for a few days of fun and camping, and from there we had no plan. It was fantastic. Just the three of us (yes, we took furbaby Charlie to make our trip interesting!) and the open road. We were literally driving by the seats of our pants! We stayed in many beautiful cities - explored, shopped, ate, drank, camped, and DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IF!!!!!!!!!

It was so nice to reconnect with M and remember the days that were not marred by our inability to get pregnant. It was wonderful to not think about, see, or read about pregnant women and ectopic pregnancies. I loved not worrying about doc appointments, taking temperatures and pills, analyzing symptoms, and obsessing about hCG levels..It was heaven.

I'm feeling grateful to be home with my bed, my kitchen, and some clean clothes. I am most pleased, however, to come back to my blogging buddies and the recent BFP announcements from Just Me , Murgdan, and Courtney. These ladies have endured long, painful journeys and all three are pregnant through IVF. Congrats to you all, my heart is with you and your growing beans!

The hits keep coming.

I went to the RE today for u/s and b/w in order to get started on the next cycle (this time with Femara and IUI). They told me that I couldn't begin the Femara until they ran another beta to make sure our bean was gone. I happily left, thinking I would run by the pharmacy and have the drugs ready for when I got the call.

Then it came. Today's beta was 20.

Our bean in still in there somewhere.

This new number is obviously still too low. Appropriate increase would be 60% every 48 hours. Plus the fact that AF IS IN TOWN, means we are still not pregnant. The Doc isn't sure if the number is on its way up or down, so they are going to monitor me to see what happens. They are putting me on "ectopic precautions."

Ectopic? Seriously? Is this now what we have to deal with? Isn't it enough that we can't get pregnant? Isn't it enough that we've suffered this long?

To further piss me off, this cycle is out. I now have to wait another month before starting the drugs and doing the IUI. Apparently, my uterus needs to be in tip-top shape before we attempt to put another bean in there. I totally get and respect this, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

I was so excited to be starting again. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Now what am I supposed to do? I am so sad, and all I can think about is where the heck it is, and whether it's going to cause more serious problems for our fertility in the future. If it's in my tube, will I have to have the tube removed?

In other happy news, two of my friends from college made pregnancy announcements on FB in the last two weeks. In addition, my really fertile neighbor told us the other night that they are going to start trying for number 2. Great. This is just what I needed.

When is it going to be my turn?

Our first bean.

****Friends and family who follow my blog: I need to put this out into the cyberverse as therapy and a way to possibly learn more about my situation (by connecting with fellow IFers). I apologize that I'm not quite prepared to have discussions about it, and hope you aren't offended by this impersonal venue.

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Yesterday was my beta. Here's what happened:

Good news: We had a bean!
Bad news: Our bean didn't stick.

My beta was positive (5 indicates pregnancy and mine was 12) but very low. The RE called to explain to me that this could mean one of two things: either I had a late implantation - a likely scenario based on my trigger and IUI dates - or it is a chemical pregnancy. Our plan was to wait until Tuesday for another beta, or call on Monday to announce AF's arrival.

Guess who showed up this morning?

I had heard about chemical pregnancies (a.k.a. early miscarriages), but didn't know as much as I do now!! Apparently, M's guys made contact with my egg, but something occurred that didn't allow our blastocyst to implant, OR early implantation took place, wherein a sac was formed, but an embryo did not grow. Let me tell you that this is the CLOSEST we have ever been to being pregnant. It is such a relief and blessing to know that we CAN make contact (woo-hoo!), and that the IUIs could quite possibly be our ticket.

So after my initial let-down of seeing AF today, I felt pretty darn good about the fact that we seem to be getting closer to solving this mystery. Unfortunately, that good feeling lasted only until about 5 pm., as the reality of what occurred started to sink in.

It hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

I was in the shower, and all of a sudden started thinking about WHY this happened. Did I do something wrong? I went over this past week with a fine-toothed comb. Should I not have had a glass of wine the other night? I'm taking progesterone, so shouldn't my uterus be all nice and spongy and ready for baby to implant?

Will this happen again??

After a nice cathartic cry, I have come to the conclusion that it's way better to see the silver lining (although I'm more involved in looking at my uterine lining right now ;), than beat myself up with questions and what-ifs.

This event is a blessing, and I'm grateful for the strength to keep going.

Infertility's Ups and Downs.

SO...I survived the weekend! Actually, overall, it went better than I thought it would, which is not say that it wasn't extremely hard, but I think I did okay (not great). I got pretty sad and emotional on Friday night for A's birthday. I was fine until I saw the two pregfriends hug and then compare bellies. Ouch. It felt like they were in this exclusive club that I keep requesting membership to, but am continually turned down. I guess what is so hard about it is that I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember (I'm not joking here), and I'm watching my friends living my dream without me. I felt that A really wanted to swap stories with M about baby's development and things she is experiencing, etc. that she can't necessarily share with me because I haven't been there and I don't have any idea what it's like to be pregnant. I so wanted to be in that club with them.

Having said that, A was amazing to me. She is a true blue friend, and I am so lucky to know her. Even though she hasn't been in my shoes, she is so sensitive to my feelings and I know that she comes from a place of compassion and love. Surprisingly, the baby shower was way easier to handle than the dinner! It was fun, and I even got to feel some baby kicks. SO exciting (such a fascinating feeling), and a nice bonding moment for me and A.

I've been thinking so much about IF lately..

Our infertility is nobody's fault. I don't blame anyone for the hand we've been dealt. I understand that the pain I have felt from this is so minor compared to the suffering in this world. Reading the many IF blogs and the tragedies women have been faced with is a humbling experience, and I know that somehow this journey is meant to strengthen us individually and in our marriage, and give us perspective on the sanctity of the life we WILL someday create. Patience and hope are not lost!

Hmmm...wow.

Me (to pregfriend): "Wow, your pregnancy has gone by so fast! I can't believe you are already 71/2 months!!!"

Pregfriend: "Really? To me it has seemed so long. I mean, when the baby is born it will be almost a year that we started trying."

Me: Speechless

2ww: Day 7 (and pregnant bellies)...

I am halfway through my 2ww! Next Friday is my beta, and I am going to exercise will power to NOT take a HPT. I have zero early pregnancy symptoms (not that I expected much by now!), and have been feeling great.

Tonight is A's 30th birthday dinner. Yay! We have been friends since second grade, and I seriously cannot believe we are already 30 (well, I'm ALMOST 30). She is 5 months pregnant, and I haven't seen her bump yet. I am so excited, and I hope I don't get emotional. Other pregnant friend M will be there tonight, and her baby shower is tomorrow. Should be an interesting weekend..!

Praying for strength and unselfish thoughts (you know what I mean?) to get me through this weekend.

The wait begins.

Our first IUI was a success (so far!). Last night's injection went well, despite the copious amounts of stress accompanying it. We were at the IL's house for FIL's birthday, and I just couldn't relax! M was a pro and I was a wimp..but I survived, and it has served its purpose. It turns out that we have had (as the NP put it) an "optimal" cycle, so of course I am extremely hopeful that we will achieve pregnancy. The IUI itself was quick and relatively painless (I am NOT a fan of the speculum), and we were out of there in less than an hour.

I'm taking it easy today. It's nice to have an excuse to be a lazy bum! Tomorrow I start the progesterone. Oh fun.

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Today, I am grateful for..

My amazing husband, life partner, and best friend.
Increased odds.
Air Conditioning.
Trash television.
My awesome, supportive, caring family.