10 Months

It's been 4 months since I've taken the time to post. I'm such a slacker, but really I have other reasons for limiting my posting activity. Lately I've been hesitant to post a lot of pics...and am even thinking of taking my blog private. Haven't decided yet.

But for now, I am so happy to report that life continues to be more fabulous than we'd ever imagined. Our little boy (he hardly seems like a baby anymore) is incredibly active, inquisitive, and entertaining. He is just starting to cruise the furniture and has tried standing on his own a few times. It's crazy how quickly time is flying! We are already starting to plan his first birthday party....

....and we're starting to talk about trying for another baby. Keep us in your prayers as we begin that craziness all over again. Uggh!

Here are a few recents of my little man:

In the backyard:


With M on Father's Day:


At the Sprinkler Park:


Eating Sand at Lake Tahoe:

Thoughts from an Infertile Mother

Stunned.

That's how I feel sometimes. I know this might be hard to believe, but I still find myself thinking that this is all too good to be true. That I'm going to wake from the dream. That I'm not actually a mother. The one thing I've longed for as long as I can remember is happening, and I still need to pinch myself. Will I ever fully accept that this dream came true?

*******

I made a decision shortly after Zachary was born to be as involved as possible in the moms' groups I had joined. Every weekday morning, Z and I haul ourselves to Baby Bootcamp in an attempt to reclaim my abdominal muscles (among others), and hang out with other moms and babies. It's really a great time. Z gets to socialize while I get a great workout AND we get out of the house! Another group I regularly attend is for breastfeeding/parenting support. Within that group, I've connected with some moms whose babies were all born in August. As you can imagine, we all have a lot to talk about, as our parenting experiences are so similar. We meet for lunch once a week, and I love, love, love it.

The reason I mention these activities is twofold: I want to stress the fact that I willingly do as much as I can to connect to other women who are experiencing what I am, and that I do truly enjoy the conversations and friendships I am forming as a result.

But there is something that sets me apart from the women I've met.

None of the women I've met have struggled with infertility. And yes, in case you're wondering, the topic of "how long it took me to get pregnant" comes up in conversations women have about pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. Especially because the conversations inevitably lead to the topic of "are you going to have another one?" I'm amazed at how candidly some women will speak about their sex lives and how many times they "did it" in order to conceive their babies (yes, they can all count on one hand)...and how they have to be ULTRA careful, lest they have an "oopsie" baby for number two.

Maybe I thought that once I had Zachary that my feelings of exclusion from this "elite" group would be erased. After all, I would have my baby in my arms and nobody would know what pain I had endured to get to that point. I haven't told anyone our story. Not sure why, I guess just because all their stories are so different from mine yet similar to each others', I just haven't felt like explaining or tapping back into that emotion. And possibly because I don't want pity or anything of that sort. I think maybe it's because I don't believe that anyone who hasn't endured it can possibly empathize or understand. Or maybe I've closed the door on that chapter because the joy of my reality now is just too palpable...and I don't want to go back to that pain. So I just listen to them talk and my silence allows me to pretend that it was just that easy for me, too.

But here's the kicker:

As I sit here and reflect, I find my self glad to not be a member of that club. And here's the reason: I am already a member of a group of women who have wept, and kicked, and screamed, and prayed, and dreamed, and hoped, and supported, and shared, and been determined to be mothers. Women who have gone to hell and back in order to have babies. Women who will always, always, always have the ability to say to their children, "I fought hard for you. You were wanted more than you'll ever know." When I read some of the war stories of you beautiful, strong women, I marvel at your voracity, your steadfastness, and determination. I'm so proud to be your peer.

I know that women who had babies easily are not to be faulted. I don't hold it against them that they got pregnant without a good fight. I love my fertile friends dearly, and I know they love, love, love their children.

But I also know what it took for me to be living this dream. I know that my chubby, goofy, precious, perfect little man wouldn't be here had I not stuck to that dream. And boy, would that be a sad, sad thing.

Roll with it!

Our little man is now officially rolling both ways! In December he started rolling from tummy to back, and just yesterday he FINALLY figured out the back to tummy route! Now I can't stop him!

I will try to post a video soon, but wanted to get this on the record before I forget. Here's a recent pic of our big boy!

Zachary is 5 months!

Oh boy, what a month this has been! It seems as though so many things have changed since my last post.

First and foremost on my mind right now is our new sleeping issues. Zachary has decided that naps are overrated. Actually, he has no problem going down to sleep, but staying in dreamland has proven difficult for him. He goes to sleep in our arms, and we put him in his crib...only to awaken 20 minutes later. Every. Single. Time. In addition, he continues to wake every three hours at night. I have been *trying* to night-wean him, but to no avail. We threw our hands up in frustration, and finally broke down and bought the book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution. So far, I'm learning a lot about babies' sleep cycles and the relationship between good naps and good nighttime sleep. There are great tips in the book about getting the "short napper" to extend his sleep, and we are in the process of trying a few different strategies. We are not proponents of "Cry it Out," so this book seems perfectly suited to our needs. Many of my friends have told me that their babies had similar sleep issues at this age, and that "everything is temporary!" I know this is true, but we still need our sleep!

Zachary is quickly developing an adorable little personality! He belly laughs daily now, and especially loves men (Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle) playing Peek-a-Boo with him. Must be related to the deep voice and the element of startle he gets, but he seriously cracks up. It's so much fun to watch!

Just recently, he discovered his toes. He lays on his playmat and raises his legs so he can grab his toes. I'm not sure he's really aware of what he's doing at this point..he probably just thinks he's grabbing a toy! Cute nonetheless.

We started Zachary on solids two weeks ago. He is LOVING it. I received a Beaba Babycook for Christmas and have been making him some great purees. So far he has eaten avocado, oatmeal, pears, apples, sweet potatoes, squash, and banana. He likes everything except the squash, so I mix in some fruit with it to make it sweet. He's a great little eater; problem is, we can't get the food in his mouth fast enough! He loves to "protest" between bites. Hilarious!

I've found my Baby Bjorn and Moby Wrap to be life savers lately. Because Zachary is in constant need of stimulation, sometimes the jumperoo, swing, and playmat are just not enough for him. He loves to watch me do the dishes and make dinner while I wear him. He is fascinated with the running water and sounds of pots and pans banging!

My little chunk is now 27 inches long and weighs 16.5 pounds. He is getting really heavy and quickly outgrowing clothes. He's still wearing mostly 3-6 months, but I was surprised to recently discover that a lot of his 6-12 and 6-9 months clothes are fitting. He's just about to graduate into the size 3 diapers. Craziness!

Happy 4 months!

It just keeps getting better everyday! Zachary continues to amaze us with new developmental milestones and the cutest personality!

We just returned from a trip to Idaho to visit my parents. What an awesome time! I was nervous about the airplane travel, but it proved to be a lot easier than I expected. Zachary was a champ, and we made it there and back with zero hiccups. I'm going back in January (without M!), so fingers crossed it goes just as smoothly.

Zachary is such a flirt! He gives the biggest, cutest smiles to the ladies! He is now laughing out loud and still continues to "talk" to us and the handsome baby in the mirror. He has pretty long conversations with that cute baby!

His neck strength is better everyday. My brother just bought us a jumperoo for Christmas, and Zach loves it! He is mesmerized by the lights, sounds, and movement! He also loves when we let him "stand," where we're holding him and he bears weight on his legs. He laughs every time we do this!

Zachary is wearing 3-6 month clothes and size two diapers. He weighed in today at 14 lbs. 4 oz. This puts him in the 38th percentile for weight. I'm curious about his length! His 4-month appointment isn't until January 3, so I'll have to wait. Just looking at him, I can tell he's long!

He is now sleeping 6 hours at a time. This means we are waking only once during the night...! We seriously cannot believe that we are getting more sleep - finally! What a blessing (and no, I'm not so naive to think that it will be like this forever...I do know how quickly he can revert back to waking more frequently, especially with teething in the near future).

We gave him a few little tastes of avocado the other night while we were sitting around the dinner table. He seemed to like them, although lately he likes anything we put in his mouth. He especially likes chewing on our fingers. He has discovered how to grasp certain items and bring them to his mouth to suck/chew, so I'm on the lookout for good soft teething toys.

We are so looking forward to our first Christmas with Zachie! I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and very happy, hopeful New Year!

Today is special.

On December 10, 2009 I had my third IUI. That night, I ovulated. 8 months and 11 days later, my dreams, hopes, wishes and prayers were answered.

It's hard to believe he's been with us for a year.

Today I am celebrating with my little Elfie:

3 months!

Mommyhood has me quite busy in the past month! I've turned into such a bad blogger, but have very good reason. My little man is growing and changing so much, and we're having a blast with all the new "firsts"!

Recently, Zachary:

Sticks both fists in his mouth and chews. He does this frequently throughout the day, and it's hilarious to watch. He hasn't shown a preference for right or left yet, but he has managed to isolate his thumb on both hands and suck. Adorable!

Still wakes up twice at night to eat. Both of us have adapted to this schedule and don't feel sleep-deprived anymore!

Laughs out loud! His smiles and giggles are infectious and he LOVES to talk to the handsome baby in the mirror. His coos and squeals crack us up!

Has a much longer attention span and sleeps less frequently through the day. This has me constantly looking for ways to entertain and stimulate him.

Can hold his head up! His neck strength is amazing..he loves to turn his head and look around the room at people and things.

Weighs 13 pounds. What a chunk!

Definitely recognizes and prefers mommy and daddy when he's tired or fussy.

Sits in his space-saver high chair with us when we eat dinner. We love this family time together.

Has been making a lot of new friends in my Baby Bootcamp class. He loves to watch me work up a sweat!

Has pretty bad cradle cap, which I treat with baby oil but it always manages to return. Uggh! He also has some eczema. We are treating that and it doesn't seem to be getting worse.

Is making us happier and happier every day!

Happy Halloween!!

Our little Chile Pepper slept through all the trick-or-treaters, but not before his mommy snapped some cute shots!

My Bony Boys

A friend of mine gave Zachary an adorable sleeper set from O.ld N.avy. So...I couldn't resist a photo op with our other "baby" Charlie:

2 Months!

They all tell you ahead of time that it goes by so fast and before you know it, they're leaving for college. Well, okay, so we're not there yet, but what they've said has held true for the first two months!

Recently, Zachary:

Has been sucking on his fist non-stop! I think he might be trying to isolate his thumb, but even if he isn't, it's pretty darn cute!

Stares at us and his toys, which then prompts some darn great smiles. We LOVE seeing this! His favorite spot now is on his play mat. He coos and "talks" to his animal friends hanging above.

Still wakes up twice during the night to eat, but his first stretch of sleep has increased to 4.5 hours. This is heaven for me...and I never thought I'd find myself saying that 3.5 hours of sleep is "heaven'!!

Went a record 5 days without pooping. Yes, I had a mild freak-out, but the doctor and everyone else said that this is pretty common in breastfed babies. What I want to know is why none of the books mention it and Dr. Google is mum about something so common? Oh well. He pooped yesterday and I am STILL doing my happy dance! I've never before been so happy to change a dirty diaper.

Has a bit of baby eczema which we are treating with special lotion. Another "common" thing that nobody mentions. Huh.

Loves looking at lights. He is fascinated by the lights in the house and with all screens (TV, Computer, phone).

Is awake A LOT more than he was a month ago! This means I am constantly looking for ways to entertain and stimulate him. I absolutely love the times when he's awake, alert, and wanting to interact with me. It's unreal.

Still sleeps in the bassinet next to our bed. We figure he won't be moving out until he sleeps consistently through the night. It's just so convenient to reach over for him at 2 am and feed him in bed.

Is now up two pounds from his birth weight. We will find out his length next week at the doctor's, but I suspect he has grown quite a bit. He's long!

Is wearing all 0-3 month clothes except for 3-6 months in the O.ld Na.vy brand (they run small!).

Loves being carried in the Baby Bjorn, and almost always falls asleep when placed in it. It's our go-to nap device when he just can't settle himself enough to fall asleep. I also love carrying him in it when we're out. It's so much easier than the cumbersome carseat/stroller combination.

Went on his first overnight road trip, which was a wild success! He visited some baby friends and has made a few new baby friends. He also attended his first Gym.boree class this week. He's a very busy baby.

Continues to be our special, happy little miracle!

A year ago..

It's my 31st birthday today! 30 was a pretty great year (infinitely better than 28 and 29), and I have a sneaking suspicion 31 will be even better!

I had a wonderful, relaxing day with Z after a busy weekend of travel. We started out with our breastfeeding support group this morning and spent the afternoon relaxing around the house. M took us both out to dinner tonight, capping off a beautiful, wonderful day! It made me think about this time last year and this post. Last year I seemed to be in a pretty good place mentally, as I sat on the couch and made love to my neti pot. Little did I know then that this is where I'd be today. Kinda makes you not wanna give up on your hopes and prayers, eh?

I am working on a detailed post about my recent adventures in breastfeeding. I've been mum about many of my struggles, and am ready to come clean! But for now, I'm going to put my little guy to bed and enjoy the last few hours of my special day..

Oh yes, and a pic from the Stanford/USC game we went to on Saturday (Go Cardinal!):

CAN't wait.

It's funny how often throughout my life I've found myself saying "I can't wait until.."

.."I finish school!!"
.."I find the right guy."
.."I have a great job."
.."I'm married."
.."We can buy a house."
.."I'm pregnant."
.."I have this baby!"

I am now finding myself saying things like, "I can't wait until he smiles...or says 'Mama'....or walks....or can enjoy reading books with me."

But the truth of the matter is that I CAN wait. For the first time, I feel like I really want time to slow down! The first 5 weeks of Zachary's life have literally flown by, and I already want that time back. I want to look back on this time and be able to say I cherished every minute and every milestone! I want to revel in everything new in this little creature's life, and I don't want to be spending my time looking forward to what's coming next. I want to live in the moment that is now...because I know all those fun things will happen in time, but he'll never be this small again!

There's a really great song by Lone.star called Let Them Be Little, which I highly recommend listening to if you get a chance.

Zachary's one month appointment was last Wednesday. He weighed in at 9 lbs. 12 oz., which is up a pound and a half from the weight he was a few days after his birth. Doc says he's pleased with the growth. His large head is measuring in the 85th percentile and he has grown an inch and a half.

Breastfeeding is going well, but I gotta admit that it is hard work. We were forewarned that it is a huge commitment, but no word of advice truly prepared me for what I'd be giving up. It's a lot more sacrifice than pregnancy, in my opinion. Just sayin'.

4 weeks

At 4 weeks, Zachary:

Eats a lot! He is/has gone through a growth spurt, which sometimes means he's feeding every 1.5-2 hours throughout the day. While exhausting for me, I love that he's getting what he needs and letting me know when he needs more. I'm so glad to be able to provide it!

Has officially outgrown his newborn clothes. He fits pretty nicely into the 0-3m, but some are still a tad big. My little boy is growing up so fast!

In general, has two wakeful periods during the day. First thing in the morning after his first feeding, he loves to just hang out with me and look around. Again in the evening around dinner time, his eyes are wide open and he's just taking it all in.

Has given us a few nights with 4.5 hours between feedings. What a WONDERFUL thing this is!!!! M loves that when he is hungry, he will try to get his milk from anyone who is holding him...this means M's neck, chin, shoulder, etc. It's pretty darn cute!

Is still just doing the involuntary smiles, but they have definitely gotten more frequent. We are eagerly anticipating the real deal!

Loves to be carried in the Moby Wrap and Baby Bjorn.

Is still wearing newborn sized diapers...but as soon as we run out of what we have, we are moving up to size 1.

Doesn't cry in the bathtub. He LOVES the warm water. This amazes me, and I love this sweet, bonding time with him.

Screams when he's hungry, but doesn't make a peep for any other reason. Actually, that's not true. He grunts when he has gas...and let me tell you, they are man-sized toots. He IS is father's son!

Has a blocked tear duct in his right eye. We clean it out frequently and are just waiting for it to resolve itself. Apparently this is quite common amongst newborns.

Loves to be bounced and rocked..and is mesmerized by any and all types of lights.

Is sooo strong and frequently jailbreaks his swaddles. He loves to have his hands near his face when he sleeps and eats.

Loves his carseat and going for rides in the car. We are grateful for this!

Is now sleeping in the bassinet next to the bed. Mommy misses him, and Daddy was glad to see him move out. He seems so far away now!!

Still likes to pee on us while we're changing his diaper. We are getting better about blocking it with a cloth diaper or a pee-pee teepee, but there are days that he goes through 3 outfits as a result of our inattention! Ah, the joys of baby boys!

Is absolutely the joy of our lives. We can hardly believe it's already been 4 weeks, and we are so smitten with this tiny little being. He is the miracle we waited for, and he was worth every minute of pain and disappointment.

Career Aspirations

Okay, so this confirms that we do, in fact, have the world's cutest baby. Anyone familiar with the movie Zoo.lander?? Well, apparently my little Zachary has seen it and is an aspiring male model. Here is his best "Blue Steel" pose:

The King in His Castle...and other Highlights

I truly can't believe it's been two weeks! M and I are soaking in every minute with our little one, and this bonding time has been invaluable to our little family! We feel so blessed with this mellow, sweet, adorable baby boy.

Here are some highlights from the first few weeks:

Sleeping:

While I swore I'd never be the type to have my baby sleep in bed with us, having a c-section caused me to be much more flexible in my ideas. Our plan had been for Zachary to sleep in the bassinet right next to the bed, but I quickly discovered that I couldn't sit up in bed without help, much less reach over the side of the bed to pick up a hungry baby. We had already invested in a S.nuggle Ne.st, thinking it would be a great device for Z to nap in downstairs on the couch:

Well, as it turns out, we are loving having Zachary sleeping in between us at night. This device also has a night light and plays the sounds of a uterus (!!!), which our little man loves! It makes tending to his needs (while I am still healing from the surgery) so much easier...and I truly enjoy being so close to him at night...another feeling I was not expecting to have! It's amazing how strong the bond is right away! The first 9-10 days were extremely sleep-deprived (oh boy, that's another post!)...but we are into a nice routine now and have found our rhythm in terms of sleep.

Eating:

Zachary is a champion breast-feeder. We never had any latch problems..the only thing that was frustrating at first was that it took my milk forever and a day to fully come in. I know that this is more common with a c-section (and hours upon hours of pitocin-induced labor), so I was trying to just go with the flow (or lack thereof, haha) and not get too worked up about it. I was also listening to all my friends say, "Oh you'll KNOW when it comes in!" This was throwing me for a loop because as it turns out, mine just came very gradually and I've never had an oversupply problem. Anyway, it's here and Z is definitely getting enough. At his 1.5 week pediatrician appointment, he had gained 11 ounces in 7 days!! We had been to the doctor when he was 4 days old because after birth he dropped almost an entire pound, and was slightly jaundiced. My milk coming in definitely fixed our problem!! I use a Bop.py Pillow and a Nipple Shield (and the Lan.sinoh nipple cream), and am loving the bonding time with my little man.

Other Fun Stuff:

Our Black Labrador Charlie has been an excellent big brother so far! Of course, I had some apprehension about the dog-baby relationship, but have found that our dog is a gentle giant! He only approaches the baby when he's invited, and is gentle with his kisses!

Zachary is much more alert in the past few days. He has more wakeful periods where he'll just look around or stare at us. He makes the cutest faces - one of which I'm going to do in a separate post. We love seeing his eyes open more as he starts to discover his world!

He is still wearing newborn-sized clothes, but he's so long (gonna be tall like his daddy - who is 6'3") I can see that he'll be moving to the 0-3m very soon. I already feel like he's growing too fast, which makes me want to spend every minute with him. We've already taken upwards of 300 pictures, as I'm so afraid we'll miss something great!

Knock on wood, but my little man is sooo mellow. He can sleep anywhere, anytime, and in pretty much any position! He slept almost all the way through a bath the other day! I'm not so naive to think that it'll be like this forever, but I'm enjoying it nonetheless. It has made our first two weeks together so much more manageable!

M and I (and various family members) found out very quickly that little boys LOVE to pee as soon as their diapers are removed. This has made for some HILARIOUS moments, and my poor mother has been the unluckiest recipient - all over her face and shirt - of the wee wee!

And (Finally!) some nursery pictures - with the king to make them official!

My New Joy.

Life Changing

Life with a newborn: I started this post 3 days ago!!

There are so many things on my mind since Zachary's birth, but the words to express my feelings are hard to come by. This baby boy has changed our lives in so many ways; but most importantly, I feel that M and I have discovered the meaning of true, unconditional love.

The labor and birth of this little miracle was much like our attempts at ttc: long, painful, and not at all what I would have planned for myself. However, the perfect creation that resulted from my efforts has been more than worth what we went through.

It started last Friday (the 20th) at 5:15 as I was awakening from a nap. I felt a low kick from the baby and then a popping sensation followed by GUSHING water. When I say gushing, it's no joke and it just keeps coming. The problem was that I was in bed and needed to get to the bathroom without soaking our carpet!! Quite the challenge. With heart racing, I called M (he was in his home office working that day!). His first response was to start cleaning up the water I had gushed all over the room! I hurriedly gathered the last few items to put in the bag (and also snuck a shower in), and M got everything else ready to go. Within 45 minutes we were on our way to the hospital!

My contractions picked up very quickly once we were settled in to our room. Because my water had broken and my first cervical check revealed I was only 2 cm dilated, they put me on a low dose of pitocin. Within 2 hours I had progressed to 6 cm and was READY for my epidural! And let me say, what a sweet relief that was. I loved every second of it!

The rest of my labor was slower..it took me until 4 am to reach a full 10 cm., at which point I was ready to start pushing. Pushing turned out to be so much different (and harder) than I thought it would be. Mostly because of the epidural, as I couldn't feel a thing! The nurses and M were awesome and were telling me that I was doing an awesome job, but it was so hard for me to tell, and each push drained so much energy from me....keep in mind we'd already been up all night long!

After an hour of pushing my OB came and checked my progress. He told me that baby was having a hard time descending further, despite the great pushing I was doing. He also noted that the baby had a swollen head as a result of being squished against my pubic bone. He wanted me to keep on truckin', so I did. For TWO MORE HOURS. Turns out the little guy's head and shoulders were just too wide to make it through my narrow frame. A.K.A. pubic bone.

When they told me that the recommendation was c-section, I was very sad...BUT I was also extremely exhausted, so I knew that it truly was my only option. M suited up in his haz-mat suit (!!), and by 7:45 they were wheeling me into the O.R.

I think I slept through most of the actual surgery. I remember feeling tugging and hearing voices all around me, but not much else UNTIL I heard the sweetest sound: Zachary's beautiful cries. My heart leapt and then the sobs came in abundance. I couldn't believe I was hearing my baby's perfect cries, and just lost it right there on the table. M was over with Zach while they cleaned him up and he got to trim the umbilical cord. Shortly after, they brought him to me so I could kiss his sweet cheeks, and then they were gone (they take the c-section babies to the nursery to get weighed, measured, etc.).

The hour I spent in recovery was quite frankly the hardest and longest of my lifetime. Time literally stood still, and all I can remember is an intense feeling of sadness and helplessness as I begged the nurse to see my baby and my body shook uncontrollably with chills. At some point, M came back, and the pediatrician followed closely behind. She reported a clean bill of health, and of course all I could say was, "When can I see him?" Over and over and over again. At some point, someone told me they were going to keep him in the nursery for a few hours before I could see him. This is the point where I FREAKED out. As they were wheeling me to our postpartum room, I could see my family at the end of the hall looking into the nursery and taking pictures. I felt so absolutely helpless, and demanded that he be brought to me. I can't remember how much time passed (and truly, why I even had to wait at all), but he was finally brought to me, and the celebrations commenced.

We spent 4 days in the hospital - enough time for me to start to heal and become more mobile. It was nice to have the help of the nurses for those first days as we got to know our son, but we were READY to get home on Tuesday!!! Since then, life has been more amazing than words can express. Zachary is an expert breastfeeder, and while it's been a slight challenge due to my milk taking it's sweet time coming in, we are coping well..and I am healing quicker than I expected!

Okay..this is a loong post..more to come soon (I hope!).