Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!