The hits keep coming.

I went to the RE today for u/s and b/w in order to get started on the next cycle (this time with Femara and IUI). They told me that I couldn't begin the Femara until they ran another beta to make sure our bean was gone. I happily left, thinking I would run by the pharmacy and have the drugs ready for when I got the call.

Then it came. Today's beta was 20.

Our bean in still in there somewhere.

This new number is obviously still too low. Appropriate increase would be 60% every 48 hours. Plus the fact that AF IS IN TOWN, means we are still not pregnant. The Doc isn't sure if the number is on its way up or down, so they are going to monitor me to see what happens. They are putting me on "ectopic precautions."

Ectopic? Seriously? Is this now what we have to deal with? Isn't it enough that we can't get pregnant? Isn't it enough that we've suffered this long?

To further piss me off, this cycle is out. I now have to wait another month before starting the drugs and doing the IUI. Apparently, my uterus needs to be in tip-top shape before we attempt to put another bean in there. I totally get and respect this, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

I was so excited to be starting again. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Now what am I supposed to do? I am so sad, and all I can think about is where the heck it is, and whether it's going to cause more serious problems for our fertility in the future. If it's in my tube, will I have to have the tube removed?

In other happy news, two of my friends from college made pregnancy announcements on FB in the last two weeks. In addition, my really fertile neighbor told us the other night that they are going to start trying for number 2. Great. This is just what I needed.

When is it going to be my turn?

Our first bean.

****Friends and family who follow my blog: I need to put this out into the cyberverse as therapy and a way to possibly learn more about my situation (by connecting with fellow IFers). I apologize that I'm not quite prepared to have discussions about it, and hope you aren't offended by this impersonal venue.

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Yesterday was my beta. Here's what happened:

Good news: We had a bean!
Bad news: Our bean didn't stick.

My beta was positive (5 indicates pregnancy and mine was 12) but very low. The RE called to explain to me that this could mean one of two things: either I had a late implantation - a likely scenario based on my trigger and IUI dates - or it is a chemical pregnancy. Our plan was to wait until Tuesday for another beta, or call on Monday to announce AF's arrival.

Guess who showed up this morning?

I had heard about chemical pregnancies (a.k.a. early miscarriages), but didn't know as much as I do now!! Apparently, M's guys made contact with my egg, but something occurred that didn't allow our blastocyst to implant, OR early implantation took place, wherein a sac was formed, but an embryo did not grow. Let me tell you that this is the CLOSEST we have ever been to being pregnant. It is such a relief and blessing to know that we CAN make contact (woo-hoo!), and that the IUIs could quite possibly be our ticket.

So after my initial let-down of seeing AF today, I felt pretty darn good about the fact that we seem to be getting closer to solving this mystery. Unfortunately, that good feeling lasted only until about 5 pm., as the reality of what occurred started to sink in.

It hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

I was in the shower, and all of a sudden started thinking about WHY this happened. Did I do something wrong? I went over this past week with a fine-toothed comb. Should I not have had a glass of wine the other night? I'm taking progesterone, so shouldn't my uterus be all nice and spongy and ready for baby to implant?

Will this happen again??

After a nice cathartic cry, I have come to the conclusion that it's way better to see the silver lining (although I'm more involved in looking at my uterine lining right now ;), than beat myself up with questions and what-ifs.

This event is a blessing, and I'm grateful for the strength to keep going.