2009.

It's the time of year that we are all reflecting on the past and looking to the future. Looking back over my year, I have such a mix of emotions and memories. I am very glad that today is the last day of 2009.

When this year started, I had such high hopes for a better year since 7 months of 2008 were spent in ttc disappointment, sadness, and frustration. 11 months of 2009 absolutely sucked. I was a hormonal, bitter infertile for so many of those months...and of course the ectopic put the icing on the cake. Lameness personified.

The last few weeks of 2009 have been better than any other, but I can't say that I'm experiencing sheer bliss. I am guarded.

I am choosing to be optimistic about this because I know that it's the best thing for my general health right now. I am focused on being stress and worry free, but I haven't let the happiness in like I imagine many fertile women do in the first few weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, but not giddy. Just cautiously hopeful!

I, like many of you, am anticipating a better year in 2010. Even if portions of it are less than perfect, I think that overall this will be a much needed improvement.

I'm thinking of you all, no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you, sincerely, for being an amazing support system to me this year. You've made me feel so less alone in this unfair struggle.

Happy New Year!

Wow!

NP just called. Today's beta is 1,253.

Ultrasound in 3 weeks on January 18. Oh, how I am praying for this one to stick around.

Wow. I'm speechless.

(and I'm including the chart for reference):

Hard to Believe.

I am still finding myself in a state of disbelief about being pregnant. I find it very difficult to say the word and actually believe that it's me I'm talking about! I've spent the last year and 7 months wanting this, but now have trouble accepting that it's my time. I think the ectopic really messed me up in that way.

Right now, the symptoms are few..I've had a few gagging episodes, and "the girls" are bigger and more sore than they've ever been. I also occasionally get a few distinct twinges/dull cramps in my uterine region. Oh yeah, and I'm 5 days late for AF (no complaints here!). Comparatively, this seems much more "normal" than the last time I saw those two pink lines.

When my NP called last Wednesday to give me the beta score, I asked when they wanted to see me again for the next beta. She replied by explaining that they don't need to see me again! I was dumbfounded, and then proceeded to beg for another blood draw. I know that I'm just not going to be convinced by two betas.

I go in at 8:30 tomorrow. I'll post results when I have them!

Finally. (Warning: this is LOOONG).

Okay...so, you all know that I had an ectopic pregnancy with IUI#1 back in July. It was a nightmarish experience - one that I'm not going to relive in detail right now - and I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

First, because we were not immediately certain that it was ectopic (the numbers started low, then doubled, then tapered off), we told out families and few very close friends that we were pregnant. Of course, this ended up being a huge mistake because we then had to un-tell everyone. It was a pretty darn awful experience.

So...we decided to A) not tell anyone about our future treatments (we were so tired of the questions and advice we kept getting), and B) NOT TELL ANYONE FOR A LONG TIME once we did finally get pregnant. I was on a forced break from treatment in September and October - although we did try naturally - and then started treatment again in November. We did Femara (got two nice-looking follicles!) with hCG trigger and IUI only to have a BFN 2 days after Thanksgiving. I was very sad...I knew our chances of conceiving in 2009 were quickly fading.

************************************

So this brings us to today. This month, M and I did our 3rd and final IUI because we are dead broke (we have ZERO IF insurance or coverage, and the surgery set us back even further). I convinced him to do this last one and then we could take a break with a TBD date of re-entry into the world of IF payments, meds, and HELL.

I started Acupuncture this month and it was awesome. LOVED IT> and will continue if I happen to inherit a small fortune. We did our IUI on December 10...with a natural lh surge! I was pretty bummed because although M's numbers and motility were awesome, I only had ONE follicle. Are you kidding me? My beta was scheduled for today at 13 dpo.

Of course, I had zero symptoms and was already preparing myself for a crappy Christmas. Until last Sunday (10 dpo). I was working on a scrapbook for my mom as a gift for Christmas, and I started feeling some interesting sensations in my nether regions. On a whim, I went to CVS and bought a FRER (because I'm so rich, right?). It was 12:00pm when I took it, so it wasn't FMU....and saw a very faint line. I started hyperventilating. I was in complete shock.

I waited for M to come home and verify that wasn't seeing things. We decided I would call the RE on Monday to see what we should do. Of course, I'm thinking that it's in my tube and I just want to catch it in time, so let's get these betas over with. My NP (whom I love) told me that they don't normally do betas at 11 dpo, but that she would do it for me because she knew I would be a neurotic mess of I had to wait until Wednesday (gotta love her). So I went in on Monday at 11 am. The number as 27. NP told me that the doc was very pleased with such a great number at such an early stage.

So..of course I continued to POAS just to put my mind at ease until today. The line was getting gradually darker, so I knew it was going up. When I got today's results I was floored. We had calculated that it should be AT LEAST (with a 60% rise) in the 40s....but mine was 82!!!!! I convinced her to let me come in next Tuesday for another beta.

NP and doc say that I am pregnant. I want to say that I am pregnant. M says he'll believe it when he sees a baby. I still can't help but smile and enjoy it while it lasts, even if that is just a little while.

Merry Christmas!

Love me some snow.

So..it's snow day today...which means NO SCHOOL!!! Gotta love the day off and a chance to relax in front of the fire with my pooch.

Drinking coffee from my santa mug + reading + fire + snow falling outside + Christmas music + tree lights = joy and contentment in my heart.

M and I dote so much on this spoiled rotten dog, we joked last night that it is ABOUT TIME for a kid! Charlie might have just a few problems with some competition, though ;)

I love this season. Here are some pics of Charlie's morning romp in the snow!!

Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!

Numbness with a little bit of life thrown in.

BFN after BFN (after bfn after bfn after bfn!) usually makes me really sad. By sad, I mean throwing myself on the bed in a ball of tears. Lately, though, I've noticed that I haven't been reacting the same way to my failures. There is an underlying sadness in everything I do, but in many ways I have become numb to the pain that is there everytime AF shows and I fail to become a mother. It's been almost 19 months. I can't help but ask if it will ever happen for us. There is no way we will be able to afford this if it goes on much longer. We are so tapped out.

This past month I was extremely busy preparing for Thanksgiving, so between that, working, and choir rehearsals, I didn't have much time to dwell on my infertility. It was nice. But it was also another of many failures on the TTC front. This new detachment is surprising to me. Me. Not a mother. Not pregnant. Not hopeful.

Everyone is telling me to be positive, and deep inside I know I should be. But I don't know how to do that right now.

Really? And a little bit of gratitude.

We moved to our New City in June 2008. We had just started TTC, and the first thing we did upon buying the house was to adopt Charlie, our handsome Black Lab. I was not at the point of concern in our baby journey at that point...just blissfully unaware. One day in July I took the rambunctious little bugger for a walk to the park(has anyone attempted to walk a 3-month old Labrador? Impossible...but that's a whole other story). I sat down on a bench where a woman was nursing her teeny little baby girl. I smiled at her and struck up a conversation..she told that she and her husband had also recently moved to New City, and that their baby was 2 months old. We chatted a few minutes more, and I scooted along with "Trouble" tagging me along. I remember wondering of someday I would run into her again with my own child. At that time, I thought I was very close to becoming pregnant!

Throughout the year and 4 months since then, I've thought of her a few times..wondering if they still lived here and how old their baby was. I look for her when I walk my now well-behaved, mature canine.

Today I was standing in line at the post office, and I looked up to see that she was being waited on at the counter. Once I realized it was her, I looked around for baby girl...but didn't see here anywhere. I couldn't help but overhear her conversation with the guy helping her. He was asking about her daughter. I heard her saying that the little girl is 18 months now (quick mental math told me that yes, that is the exact amount of time we have been trying)...and then she said, "And I only have 5 more weeks with this one!" At which point she turned, and sure enough her big, beautiful pregnant belly came into focus.

I was so taken aback! It seemed so recently that I met her with her teeny, tiny baby...and here she is about to give birth again! When I met her that day I was so excited at the thought that I would have a baby soon!

The thing is...I don't know her story. For all I know, these two children were IVF babies...I just couldn't help but say, "Really?"

And since I've been such a complainer lately, I feel some gratitude comin' on..
Today, I am grateful for:

1. Being prepared for my big Thanksgiving Feast that is in just over two weeks!! That's right, folks...I have never made a turkey, and this year I'll be cooking for 14 adults and 4 children. Needless to say, I started planning a few months ago (that's the teacher in me), so that the few days prior to the BIG DAY wouldn't be spent in stressful chaos.
2. Cold weather - I LOVE snuggling up in front of the fire!
3. My hard-working, loving, reassuring, practical hubby. He is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better life partner.
4. My MIL and her fabulous Monday night meal, and her amazing photographic skills!
5. Organization and creativity.
6. Snuggles with my furbabies...even when they act like I am smothering them, I know they secretly love the doting attentiveness. I can't help it! M told me recently (as I was tucking Charlie in for bed) that it's time for a BABY, or else the dog is going to get a crib and a stroller!

Halloween

I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.

When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.

M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.

I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.

In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.

I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.

Favorites

I am jumping on the the bandwagon! Looks like fun, and as they say...a picture's worth a thousand words!

1. My Favorite Beverage:

2. My Hometown(s):











3. My Favorite TV Show:









4. My Occupation:












5. My First Car:












6. My Favorite Dish:










7. Celebrity I've Been Told I Resemble:













8. My Celebrity Crush:













9. My Favorite Childhood Toys (it's a tie):




10. My Random Image:

Slacker

Hello friends! My apologies about being a SLACKER blogger lately. I've been enjoying catching up on my reading though, and have a few updates of my own.

It's been a really nice break from TTC. M and I have been doing a lot lately; family visits, baby showers, retirement parties, work, and enjoying the new Fall weather has really helped to keep our minds off of being childless (and infertile!).

In the past two weeks our family has had some devastating news. One of my grandmothers was diagnosed with terminal cancer of five different organs. She is managing her pain and nausea at home with hospice nurses, but knows that the end is imminent. It is so heartbreaking to know that there's nothing we can do except tell her how much we love her and to make her as comfortable as possible. It's so unfair that a woman who took such good care of herself her entire life (she's in her eighties now) and whose mind is sharp as a tack is left with this in her final days. But I guess we all know about the unfairness of life.

In addition to this sadness, another grandmother passed on a week and a half ago. She was ill for a long time, and thankfully I had many opportunities to say my goodbyes and give her love and kisses. It is still so sad though. No matter how prepared you might think you are to let someone go, there is nothing like the finality of death - knowing you will never see that person in this lifetime again - to make you weep. I am currently working on putting together a photo slideshow of her life for the memorial on Oct. 17th. What has been especially bittersweet for me while working on this project is reflecting back on how many memories I have with this very special woman. I had (almost exactly) 30 awesome years with her, and I desperately want my children to know their grandparents the same way. Every month that passes without a pregnancy reminds me of the time we are losing. This is the hardest part of IF in my opinion.

In better news, I am turning 30. TOMORROW. Yikes! Unfortunately, a cold virus has invaded my sinuses and lungs, so right now my celebration is limited to some valuable time with my neti pot and some hot tea. The ILs are cooking up a dinner for me tonight, and I suspect M might have something up his sleeve for tomorrow, but other than that it is a LOW KEY b-day. So glad for that!

Couldn't Resist

I have read this on a few of the IF blogs I follow, and I couldn't resist sharing it with my IRL friends, and fellow IF bloggers. I absolutely love this.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Gratitude and IF

I haven't posted about my gratitude lately, so here goes...

Today I am grateful for...

1. A beautiful day yesterday: nice morning walk with hubby and puppy, productive fun with friend in the afternoon, and libations with ILs in the evening.

2. A month of birthdays! My hubby, mom, dad, and step-dad are all September babies, so it's a month of non-stop fun...(and of course I'm shortly after in October!). Today is Dad's - happy birthday old man!

3. Relaxing at home with movies.

4. The (official) beginning of Fall tomorrow..although our weather has yet to reflect it.

5. My mom's retirement celebration next weekend, and getting to see my brother!

6. Peace and patience.

********************************************

And, on the IF front, I had an opportunity to get some really good advice this weekend:

1. Just relax! I did with all of mine, and it worked perfectly!
2. Try to not think about it, and enjoy all your blessings.
3. Don't worry, it'll happen.

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard this...!

Ironically, this advice didn't bother me as much as it has in the past. I think I'm in a much better spot emotionally than I have been in the past 6 months. Maybe it's just that I'm used to it, and have come to expect such comments from people who don't know what it's like to struggle with IF. Recently, M said something to a group of us who were discussing IF that I missed at the time, but my friend repeated to me the other day:

People are doing the best they can with their own knowledge and life experiences.

What I take this to mean is that I shouldn't be so quick to react to what I perceive as fertiles being insensitive to my struggle, when they have no idea or experience with infertility! Honestly, I might have been one to say something like that if I hadn't experienced IF...who knows? Do we ever really step out of our shoes and try to imagine other people's pain in such a way that it's the same as experiencing it? No...We can't possibly. When I stop to think about this, I'm pretty sure there have been times I've made "insensitive" comments about situations I had no experience with.

It's raining pregnancies!

I really have nothing too exciting to post about my own life right now. Just working and counting the days until AF #2...at which point I will start counting the days until AF #3! I have definitely been keeping up with my reading, and am all caught up on the lives of my IF sisters..

..and the TWO more recent BFPS! Amber just got a surprise positive, after being on a break. Perhaps she was just "relaxed" enough?! Ha! A big congrats to her!

Additionally, Natalie received a beautiful second pink line after many years of heartbreak. I can't think of a woman more deserving of the joys of motherhood, especially after all she has experienced and survived. Congrats and sticky vibes to her!

I have now appropriately moved these lovely ladies to the "Baking the Bun" portion of my blog. Now, in the first time in my blogging history, I have more buddies in that category that in the "Preheating the Oven" portion! This, my friends, gives me hope.

1 down, 2 to go!

AF #1: check.

Boy, I guess all you have to do get a visitor is complain! Yup, she showed up today with her 2 friends Pain and Bloating. Oh yeah, and in her suitcase she packed little PMS.

So happy am I...

Getting Impatient (ha!)

Why is it that when you don't want anything to do with AF, she shows up with her 6 million suitcases in preparation for a long visit.....and when you want NOTHING MORE than to see her, she is nowhere in sight? Seriously? Can a girl get a break? I'd like to check AF #1 off my list SOMETIME in September.

In other news, today I got to see some pics of M's new (week-old) darling little girl. If there is one thing that snaps me out of my IF funk, it's the sight of a gorgeous new baby. Forget jealousy, forget sadness, forget impatience. The sight of a new baby is and always will be my saving grace.

Being Flexible

I posted a few months back about making plans, and how everything we thought we'd be doing this year pretty much hasn't happened. I wrote about how it's been hard mentally rearranging plans for our future. When my friend M told me last November that she and her hubby were starting ttc, I thought, "Well, I've been trying for 7 months...I'm sure I'll be pregnant soon." M was pregnant immediately, and her baby was born on Sunday. Hmmm..change of plans.

Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.

And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.

One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.

Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.

If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?

A Big Fat Zero!!!!!

I never in a million years imagined I'd be sitting here rejoicing at an hCG level of ZERO! But I am, because it means that I no longer have any pregnancy tissue in my tube!!

The frustrating part is that we were told to not try on our own (yeah right, are they actually expecting us to use protection?), and to call when I get my third period. Three AFs is a looong time to wait...but what choice do I have? I guess I'll enjoy those baby-free luxuries for a few more months. It'll be nice to not temp, worry, or POAS. And no more betas!!!

I took my first prenatal a few seconds after I hung up the phone...just a little bit excited, right?!

A slow decrease

As I sat in the lab chair last Friday (the 21st) I asked the NP to say a prayer for a big fat ZERO! She looked at me like I was a little bit off my rocker, probably because she knew that it wouldn't got from 95 to zero in one week! Lo and behold, she was correct. My hCG that day was 40. Definitely a good amount, but not there yet. No prenatals and limited salad for me continues.....

We were concluding our vacation this past Friday, so I rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow (Monday). I guess I'm a bit more realistic this time that it probably won't be zero, but hopeful nonetheless. What makes me curious about my whacked out body right now is that I clearly ovulated last Wednesday (fertile cm, pain and all!), but didn't think this was possible due to hCG still present in my body. I'll be sure to ask about this tomorrow as I sit in the hCG chair for the THIRTEENTH time.

No wonder I have to wait until November. This is taking FOREVER.

Been MIA...

Boy, oh boy, it's been a crazy fun two weeks! The fun began week before last with a much-needed and anticipated visit from my friend E. We had a blast together, but of course it was too short! I played tour guide and we hit all the must-do hot spots (she's never been to my city before..), and we spent a bunch of time crafting homemade cards. The day E left I got a visit from my friend H... hers was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but awesome nonetheless. H left on the 20th, and the next day M and I packed up the car and headed off on out BIG ADVENTURE.

We planned to hit up some friends who recently moved to a new city in a new state for a few days of fun and camping, and from there we had no plan. It was fantastic. Just the three of us (yes, we took furbaby Charlie to make our trip interesting!) and the open road. We were literally driving by the seats of our pants! We stayed in many beautiful cities - explored, shopped, ate, drank, camped, and DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IF!!!!!!!!!

It was so nice to reconnect with M and remember the days that were not marred by our inability to get pregnant. It was wonderful to not think about, see, or read about pregnant women and ectopic pregnancies. I loved not worrying about doc appointments, taking temperatures and pills, analyzing symptoms, and obsessing about hCG levels..It was heaven.

I'm feeling grateful to be home with my bed, my kitchen, and some clean clothes. I am most pleased, however, to come back to my blogging buddies and the recent BFP announcements from Just Me , Murgdan, and Courtney. These ladies have endured long, painful journeys and all three are pregnant through IVF. Congrats to you all, my heart is with you and your growing beans!

More Good News.

I had my two-week follow up exam with my RE today. They drew blood for my TENTH beta to see if my level is still decreasing. While we waited for the results, M and I got a chance to have a really informative Q&A session with the doc. We asked a lot of questions about ectopic pregnancies, our risks for the future, and some of the causes for them. He was super sweet and answered all of our questions with ease and clarity. I totally dig him, and feel good about the level of care we are receiving. We knew we'd be in good hands when we started with him because of the excellent reputation of this particular clinic, but also because he's been on Oprah!!!!

After all the "biology and anatomy" talk, we asked him the biggest and foremost question on our minds: When, exactly, will we be able to try again? He told us that because the methotrexate completely strips the body of folic acid, we have to get my body back in shape in order to produce a baby! The risks of neural tube defects are way too great when you don't have enough folic acid. Since we are still waiting for my level to get to zero, I can't take my prenatals or eat green leafy veggies, so I won't be able to start the 3-month count until it gets to zero. I'm thinking November-ish.

By November, my good friend A will be on the cusp of giving birth, my other friend M will have a 2.5 month old, and I'll be 30.

The nurse called with my results around 3:30. The beta has decreased again to 95. This makes me so happy! The best part, though, is that the doc said I can have a glass of wine tonight....but he warned me not to drink the whole bottle. I think I can handle that!

4 days!

I am on the tail end of my Methotrexate! This coming Saturday marks two weeks, and I'm planning on doing it up big. I haven't had any leafy, green veggies or wine, and I'm starting to go a little crazy. Not. Kidding. Especially since yesterday was our 2 year anniversary and we had sushi to celebrate. Sushi without wine or sake is just not the same. It's extremely hard to not eat salad, I am a lover of all things green!

The good news is (and yes, there is always a silver lining) that I received a call from the RE's office on Saturday afternoon after my beta. They reported that my 415 went down to 287 in a 3 days. Yay! That means I (probably) wont have to go in for another shot, as this one seems to be working to resolve my ectopic.

I'm having mixed emotions about not being able to try for the next few cycles. On one hand, I am sad and anxious (and impatient!), and REALLY want to get pregnant in 2009. Every month that passes decreases the chances for that happening....Of course, as my mother points out, we DID get pregnant in 2009, but I was kind of hoping more for the kind of pregnancy that actually yields A BABY. On the other hand, I'm grateful for a little break from planning and obsessing. So far, it has been nice to be focusing my attention on other things in my life. Not thinking about it has made me a little bit more healthy in the head, and my body will be happy to be drug and hormone free for a few months!

On Sunday, M and I took fur baby Charlie for a hike to a lake nearby. Here's a pic of me and my baby:

I have a gray hair!

Goodness gracious..I know I've been through some stress lately, but am I really at the verge of "going gray"? The big 3-0 is looming, and I certainly don't need gray hair to help me make the transition to my fourth decade.

It might be hard for you to see...I had to get a second opinion from M last night to make sure it wasn't all in my head (pun intended!). In this pic it's on the right side of the picture.

Gratitude and my amazing friend.

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Recognition for my blog (yay!)
2. A nice lunch with my Aunt and Uncle (who live in a city far, far, away)
3. My hard working, diligent husband
4. Backyard play time with the pooch.
5. My mind being put at ease about ectopic rupture.
6. All my new creations.

And last, but not least..........

My fabulous friend E sent me a care package today. She packed it full of so many goodies! Books, candy, jewelry, and (best of all) a heartfelt note of sympathy and encouragement. She literally made my MONTH. I was so overwhelmed by this sweet gesture and I'm honored to be her friend. Thank you, E. Today I am most grateful for our friendship.

My first award.

I'd like to start by saying how amazing this community has been to me over the past few months since I started blogging. Tapping into this network of strong, courageous, honest, REAL women who write so beautifully about their lives has inspired and challenged me to find the good in my own experiences. I so lucky to have found all of you, and I'm honored to be web friends with you!

Having said that, I got my first award!

Melissa just bestowed this honor upon me, and I am absolutely thrilled. The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm cheating and posting my top eight (I had a few more, but they've already been awarded by other people!!!!).

A huge "thank you" to Melissa, and of course to these lovely ladies who keep me entertained (and inspired!) every day:
1. You Call Me a Bitch like it's a Bad Thing
2. No One Ever Told Me it Would Be This Hard
3. Our Stork Isn't Great with Directions
4. Baby, Interrupted
5. Babies Everywhere...But none that Call me Mama
6. Scarlet Baby
7. We're Expecting!

Congrats and thanks so much ladies, you are all so wonderful and I wish nothing but the best for all of you!!!

I'm leaving Facebook.

I seriously cannot handle this.

I check FB every one in awhile to see what's happening with my friends. I think I told you that recently I had two pregnancy announcements on there that put a sour taste in my mouth and got me thinking about a FB divorce.

Today is the deciding factor.

My college roommate (who has 3 beautiful children and has been easily reproducing since we graduated) just posted an ultrasound pic of her TWINS. No, these are not A.R.T. twins, these are "oops, I'm so fertile that I released two eggs on my own" twins (Or, my extremely fertile egg split in two). She only wanted one more, and she is getting two. I just want one, and I can't seem to get any!

One of the other friends who recently announced her pregnancy is now complaining she can't be as active as she was before. She has two other children. Another friend is trying to get her friends to review different baby products and get advice through her FB posts. This will be her second child.

Oh, the injustice, as I sit here healing from my first nonviable pregnancy.

I needed this rant. Thanks for listening.

Diagnosis: Ectopic.

So.

I had my D&C on Friday, and all went well considering the anesthesia and pain meds made me unaware of most of it! Thankfully M's family helped us a lot with meals, etc. They were real life savers.

I got the call Friday afternoon that pathology had not found any pregnancy tissue in my uterus.

I went in Saturday morning for my methotrexate injections. They were not bad - barely hurt at all - and I haven't (so far) had any adverse side effects or reactions. I will continue to be monitored this week to make sure that the hCG levels decrease. Oh goody. More needles. My arms are already so bruised from being poked every 48 hours!

The worst part of the hCG is that I can't have any alcohol or leafy greens (because they contain folic acid). FOR TWO WEEKS. We went to IN-N-OUT last night for dinner and I had to ask for no lettuce on my hamburger!! WTF?! And seriously, I can give up wine if I'm pregnant, but not if I'm NOT pregnant! This is the time I need it the most!

The Roller Coaster is slowing down....and I'm ready to get off!

I haven't posted here in over a week. It has been a crazy week of ups and downs, but our roller coaster is slowing, and I'm so ready to get off. I hope I can adequately explain what has been happening.

So...the last I told you is that our 2nd beta increased - but not appropriately - which meant I couldn't start a new cycle, and I was at risk for ectopic pregnancy. Well, well, well. I went in for a 3rd beta ( Wednesday - 48 hours later), and the number had increased to 53 (a more than adequate growth). The NP called me and said that she suspected I was pregnant. She went on to explain that such an increase indicated a blood supply, but that we should continue to monitor hCG levels to see what was my little bean was going to show us next!

So Friday rolls around, and the 4th beta is 118. This is another awesome increase, so I'm thinking that she might actually be correct. We start letting ourselves believe that we are going to be parents and proceed to tell a few close friends and family members. Excitement ensues.

I went in for beta #5 on Tuesday (two days ago), and the number had grown to 297, but this was not quite enough of a 4-day percentage growth as we would have liked to see. I was let down, but still had hope that it could just be a slow-growing bean.

I had hope.

Until today. Beta #6 was 386. Definitely not enough to indicate viable pregnancy. More so, likely evidence of ectopic. The doctor called this afternoon to discuss our options.

First, we have decided to do a D&C (tomorrow morning) to check the uterus for any pregnancy tissue. If that comes back positive, we wait for hCG levels to drop, sit out a cycle, and start again with IUI #2.

If the D&C comes back negative for pregnancy tissue, I am given a shot of Methotrexate to kill the bean growing in my fallopian tube (or elsewhere, I guess). Methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug, but has proven itself useful in aborting ectopic pregnancies. My mom (who is a nurse) says it's called a "therapeutic abortion." I then have to wait 2 more cycles before trying again. Uggh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (and crying) and analyzing (and crying) about our journey and the experience of IFers in general. What's surprising to me in this ordeal is that the joy I had in thinking I was pregnant was a strange kind. It was accompanied by a feeling of guilt and apprehension. I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it...like I hadn't experienced enough pain in my TTC journey. It was weird to me that I would get pregnant, and I really didn't believe it to be possible. Is this what IF does to us? Does it mar our experience so much that when we actually become pregnant (viable or not), we are so cautious and guarded about letting ourselves feel joy?

So..when they say "roller coaster of emotions," this experience doesn't even begin to compare with the ups and downs of a normal roller coaster. This has been a scary coaster - the kind that once you get on, you immediately regret it and desperately want it to stop. I'm grateful for an answer - some sort of diagnosis - either way because I was in limbo for a long time. and I just want to get back to my naive and blissful TTC with hope and faith that it will happen for us.

Someday.

The hits keep coming.

I went to the RE today for u/s and b/w in order to get started on the next cycle (this time with Femara and IUI). They told me that I couldn't begin the Femara until they ran another beta to make sure our bean was gone. I happily left, thinking I would run by the pharmacy and have the drugs ready for when I got the call.

Then it came. Today's beta was 20.

Our bean in still in there somewhere.

This new number is obviously still too low. Appropriate increase would be 60% every 48 hours. Plus the fact that AF IS IN TOWN, means we are still not pregnant. The Doc isn't sure if the number is on its way up or down, so they are going to monitor me to see what happens. They are putting me on "ectopic precautions."

Ectopic? Seriously? Is this now what we have to deal with? Isn't it enough that we can't get pregnant? Isn't it enough that we've suffered this long?

To further piss me off, this cycle is out. I now have to wait another month before starting the drugs and doing the IUI. Apparently, my uterus needs to be in tip-top shape before we attempt to put another bean in there. I totally get and respect this, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

I was so excited to be starting again. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Now what am I supposed to do? I am so sad, and all I can think about is where the heck it is, and whether it's going to cause more serious problems for our fertility in the future. If it's in my tube, will I have to have the tube removed?

In other happy news, two of my friends from college made pregnancy announcements on FB in the last two weeks. In addition, my really fertile neighbor told us the other night that they are going to start trying for number 2. Great. This is just what I needed.

When is it going to be my turn?

Our first bean.

****Friends and family who follow my blog: I need to put this out into the cyberverse as therapy and a way to possibly learn more about my situation (by connecting with fellow IFers). I apologize that I'm not quite prepared to have discussions about it, and hope you aren't offended by this impersonal venue.

********************************************************************
Yesterday was my beta. Here's what happened:

Good news: We had a bean!
Bad news: Our bean didn't stick.

My beta was positive (5 indicates pregnancy and mine was 12) but very low. The RE called to explain to me that this could mean one of two things: either I had a late implantation - a likely scenario based on my trigger and IUI dates - or it is a chemical pregnancy. Our plan was to wait until Tuesday for another beta, or call on Monday to announce AF's arrival.

Guess who showed up this morning?

I had heard about chemical pregnancies (a.k.a. early miscarriages), but didn't know as much as I do now!! Apparently, M's guys made contact with my egg, but something occurred that didn't allow our blastocyst to implant, OR early implantation took place, wherein a sac was formed, but an embryo did not grow. Let me tell you that this is the CLOSEST we have ever been to being pregnant. It is such a relief and blessing to know that we CAN make contact (woo-hoo!), and that the IUIs could quite possibly be our ticket.

So after my initial let-down of seeing AF today, I felt pretty darn good about the fact that we seem to be getting closer to solving this mystery. Unfortunately, that good feeling lasted only until about 5 pm., as the reality of what occurred started to sink in.

It hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

I was in the shower, and all of a sudden started thinking about WHY this happened. Did I do something wrong? I went over this past week with a fine-toothed comb. Should I not have had a glass of wine the other night? I'm taking progesterone, so shouldn't my uterus be all nice and spongy and ready for baby to implant?

Will this happen again??

After a nice cathartic cry, I have come to the conclusion that it's way better to see the silver lining (although I'm more involved in looking at my uterine lining right now ;), than beat myself up with questions and what-ifs.

This event is a blessing, and I'm grateful for the strength to keep going.

Being Thankful

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -- Buddha

**************************************
Today, I am grateful for...

Sunshine and a clean pooch.
My ILs (I don't have to make dinner in this heat!)
M's handsome new haircut AND his sensitive side (that has been peeking out more and more as the months move along..)
All my supportive blogging friends and the IF community I've discovered (yay!)
New paint.
Packages in the mail (I love getting new books!!!)
Being okay no matter what happens.

Infertility's Ups and Downs.

SO...I survived the weekend! Actually, overall, it went better than I thought it would, which is not say that it wasn't extremely hard, but I think I did okay (not great). I got pretty sad and emotional on Friday night for A's birthday. I was fine until I saw the two pregfriends hug and then compare bellies. Ouch. It felt like they were in this exclusive club that I keep requesting membership to, but am continually turned down. I guess what is so hard about it is that I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember (I'm not joking here), and I'm watching my friends living my dream without me. I felt that A really wanted to swap stories with M about baby's development and things she is experiencing, etc. that she can't necessarily share with me because I haven't been there and I don't have any idea what it's like to be pregnant. I so wanted to be in that club with them.

Having said that, A was amazing to me. She is a true blue friend, and I am so lucky to know her. Even though she hasn't been in my shoes, she is so sensitive to my feelings and I know that she comes from a place of compassion and love. Surprisingly, the baby shower was way easier to handle than the dinner! It was fun, and I even got to feel some baby kicks. SO exciting (such a fascinating feeling), and a nice bonding moment for me and A.

I've been thinking so much about IF lately..

Our infertility is nobody's fault. I don't blame anyone for the hand we've been dealt. I understand that the pain I have felt from this is so minor compared to the suffering in this world. Reading the many IF blogs and the tragedies women have been faced with is a humbling experience, and I know that somehow this journey is meant to strengthen us individually and in our marriage, and give us perspective on the sanctity of the life we WILL someday create. Patience and hope are not lost!

Hmmm...wow.

Me (to pregfriend): "Wow, your pregnancy has gone by so fast! I can't believe you are already 71/2 months!!!"

Pregfriend: "Really? To me it has seemed so long. I mean, when the baby is born it will be almost a year that we started trying."

Me: Speechless

2ww: Day 7 (and pregnant bellies)...

I am halfway through my 2ww! Next Friday is my beta, and I am going to exercise will power to NOT take a HPT. I have zero early pregnancy symptoms (not that I expected much by now!), and have been feeling great.

Tonight is A's 30th birthday dinner. Yay! We have been friends since second grade, and I seriously cannot believe we are already 30 (well, I'm ALMOST 30). She is 5 months pregnant, and I haven't seen her bump yet. I am so excited, and I hope I don't get emotional. Other pregnant friend M will be there tonight, and her baby shower is tomorrow. Should be an interesting weekend..!

Praying for strength and unselfish thoughts (you know what I mean?) to get me through this weekend.

Poor Squirrely.

The other night, M and I came across something very strange (and gross) looking on the kitchen floor. We had no idea what it was, but suspected that Charlie or Lola had left us a "gift." So M got down on all fours and sniffed it, as I ran for a paper towel to scoop it up. We held it close, carefully examining it, and speculated that it looked like some sort of cocoon.


All of a sudden, the lightbulb came on! I ran over to Charlie's toy box....and low and behold......I found Squirrely...WITH AN AMPUTATED ARM! Oh man, M and I got a good laugh from this. I was hysterical that we were so afraid of this unknown item, even scooping it up with a paper towel - afraid to touch it - only to have it turn up as poor Squirrely's arm!

Charlie, you never cease to entertain us!

Nice weekend.

We had a great weekend here at home. No barbecues, no parties, just M and me relaxing at home and enjoying each other's company. It was nice to stay here after traveling two weekends in a row.

We were actually quite productive! On Saturday morning we stopped at a local nursery and got inspired to "remodel" Charlie's "bathroom" (a.k.a. our side yard). We had this really awful white rock that not only hurt his paws (it was sharp!), but also was not conducive to easily picking up his treasures. So we replaced it with small, round pebbles (gravel). Saturday afternoon was spent shoveling up the white rock, and then today we put down weed block and spread out the gravel. I think it is a BIG improvement from what we had! Charlie seems a little iffy, but I know he'll adjust.

Charlie, checking out his new digs!

Also this weekend, we bought a new bedroom set! This includes a bed frame, two nightstands and a dresser. Unfortunately, it won't be delivered until August 6, but I really want to paint our bedroom, so this will give me time to get that done.

In other news, I have a tomato growing in my garden! This is the first time I've ever planted tomatoes, so you can imagine my excitement that it's actually working! Yay! I can't wait to eat it!

Can you see it? Isn't it so cute?!

The wait begins.

Our first IUI was a success (so far!). Last night's injection went well, despite the copious amounts of stress accompanying it. We were at the IL's house for FIL's birthday, and I just couldn't relax! M was a pro and I was a wimp..but I survived, and it has served its purpose. It turns out that we have had (as the NP put it) an "optimal" cycle, so of course I am extremely hopeful that we will achieve pregnancy. The IUI itself was quick and relatively painless (I am NOT a fan of the speculum), and we were out of there in less than an hour.

I'm taking it easy today. It's nice to have an excuse to be a lazy bum! Tomorrow I start the progesterone. Oh fun.

***************************************

Today, I am grateful for..

My amazing husband, life partner, and best friend.
Increased odds.
Air Conditioning.
Trash television.
My awesome, supportive, caring family.

On the Eve of...

I have been busying myself with many different household projects today in preparation for my "day of rest" tomorrow. I got super crafty this afternoon (a project for a friend), mopped, swept, cleaned mirrors, and rearranged decor. Of course, this was part of my feeble attempt to take my mind off of the IUI. It didn't work very well!

So..I didn't get a surge yesterday or today on my OPK, so we will proceed with the HCG trigger tonight. I have some anxiety about this, as I am squeamish with needles when professionals use them, let alone MY HUSBAND. I asked my mom of she could come and do it (she is a nurse), but she's two hours away and laughed at the suggestion. Who can blame her?!

My appointment is tomorrow at 11:45. I'll update in the afternoon. Yikes!

Anticipation.

Today was my CD 10 ultrasound with the RE to check the progress of my follicle development and size of my uterine lining. As it turns out, I have two "very nice looking" follicles on my right ovary, but my lining is not thick enough yet. So the doctor gave me an estrogen patch to wear on my tummy, which is supposed to thicken the lining. In addition, we were given the HCG injectables and a quick tutorial on how to administer the shot. It's supposed to give me the surge...but we will only need this if I don't see a LH surge on my OPK today or tomorrow. We will do the shot on Wednesday night, and the IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning. This was a lot of information to take in, but pretty exciting also! I am just praying this cycle works out. Really praying.

My mom suggested some meditation, relaxation, and visualization for the next few days. I think I will take her advice on this. I am going to try to be as relaxed and healthy as possible!

I can still have good news...

I am such a nerd. I called my SIL today to finalize plans to see them this weekend, and after chatting for awhile, I said, "Oh yeah, I have good news!" To which she responded by freaking out (because she thought my good news was THE news). I quickly remedied the situation, correcting myself (and her) by sharing the real good news! This is the second time that happened this week. My good friend, who lives far away, and I were catching up on the phone, and I made the mistake of telling her that I have good news. She had a similar "freak out" reaction.

I ran upstairs today after getting off the phone with SIL and told M to remind me to NOT say I have good news until I have THE good news that everyone is expecting! I guess this is a repercussion of making my IF struggle public news!

I hate Clomid.

This month is my third try with clomid, although it's our first experience with IUI. The lower dosage is definitely better, but I am still getting hot flashes and mood swings. I had such a wonderful, relaxing day today, but I found myself crying tonight for no apparent reason! And now I'm fine. It's almost as if the clomid just makes you want to get the tears out and over with. I've heard the injectables are even worse! M was very sweet and understanding tonight. He just hugged and hugged me, and that made me feel a lot better. I know he doesn't have same intensity in his emotions about IF as I do, but I also know he does have sadness and a strong desire for our child to be conceived!

Tomorrow we leave for a long weekend road trip. I am very much looking forward to a change of scenery, and to get our on the open road with my hubby and puppy. We will be visiting my brother, M's brother and SIL, and other various friends. When we come back, I have an ultrasound to monitor the growth and size of my follies. I'm looking forward to this, as it puts us that much closer to the O date!

Cautiously Optimistic.

I went in for my ultrasound this morning, and saw that the cysts had almost completely resolved. There were a few small ones, but nothing of great concern. So we are going ahead with our plan of action! IUI #1 will take place next week sometime! I am guardedly excited, and cautiously optimistic...keeping fingers and toes crossed!

Not sure what to think.

M and I just returned from a fantastic weekend of wine tasting and visiting with family. Yesterday, I awoke to a drastically dropped temperature, so in my packing frenzy, I grabbed a handful of tampons to make sure I'd be okay for the trip. Sure enough, AF reared her ugly head into my beautiful Sunday morning. I was expecting to be excited to see AF this month, since this is supposed to be IUI attempt #1; however, I'm so conflicted, of course, because I am overthinking and anyalyzing everything right now!

My RE said I'm supposed to come in for a baseline ultrasound on CD 2 (tomorrow), and then start clomid on CDs 2-6. I'm pretty nervous that when I call in the morning they are going to tell me that since my cycle was so short (18 days!), it wasn't enough time for the cysts to dissipate, so I'll need to wait through another cycle. I'm praying this will not be the case, but am preparing myself for it all the same. In the case that they tell me to come in for the ultrasound and then find that the coast is clear, then I get to start the IUI protocol! Which means it's a mere two weeks until the big procedure! But...I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much!

Friday! Summer is here!

I love the last day of school! I'm always more exhausted on this day, even though it's usually early release for the kids. I have to clean the classroom and tear down bulletin boards. And I'm also emotionally drained because I have to say bye to my students! Even on the worst days, they are just children, and I adore them.

M surprised me with a "last-day-of-school-gift" this morning! He got up at o-dark hundred to stand in line at the Apple Store in anticipation of the new iphone 3G S. He was SUPPOSED to just get one for him (we both have the iphone 3G!!), but when I was pulling away from Starbucks on my way to school, he pulled up next to me with my new phone! Yay! What a good guy he is...!

We are packing and cleaning for a trip to see my parents for Father's Day. I love weekend trips. AND I get to see my brother tomorrow!!!! Reggie and Jack, look out...your weekend is about to get a bit more "energetic"!

Movie.

There's an ad for a new movie that has been playing over and over again. The movie is "My Sister's Keeper" with Abigail Breslin and Cameron Diaz. In the trailer, Abigail character begins with, "Most babies are accidents.."

I beg to differ.

************************************

Today, I am grateful for..

The last week of school.
Peace and quiet this evening while M is out.
My friend A who sent me an extremely thoughtful email.
My brother's excitement about his new dog.
New kitchen gadgets (yay Pampered Chef!)
Love. Hope. Patience.

Calculations.

Since I O'd very early in my cycle (FF actually set it as last Thursday CD 8), I am calculating that if my LP is still the same length (which it shoud be b/c I'm not taking progesterone this month), this will be a much shorter cycle than anticipated. Therefore, our SoCal plans will be on hold for the time being. I reread the plan of treatment from the RE, and it looks like we are going to need to stick around for a few weeks, at least until the IUI is completed. Small sacrifices, big reward.

What did I say about making plans? Geesh!

Plans.

It's striking to me that although I make plans for a living (literally!), I've had to rearrange plans in my personal life for over a year now. We have a bedroom upstairs that I planned to be baby's room since the day we made the offer on our house. Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I wanted it to be the other upstairs room that M wanted for his office. He won...and it's a good thing, since there's no baby to occupy that room now - and we've been in our house for a year! But it's there, and it's not holding anthing I planned it to!

It used to be that I would hold off on buying regular clothes because I thought that I'd be needing maternity clothes in the near future. It was always in the back of my mind. I have given up on that plan for awhile!

I went in that room the other day. We have a queen bed in there that is used when we have more that one couple visiting (there's a real guest room downstairs). Also in there is everything I've collected for baby since we began TTC. It's not much, but when I think about how long it's been sitting there, I get a little sad. Last May, my SIL gave us her kids' baby furniture (crib and bassinet), so it's in there, disassembled and pathetic looking. In addition, last June my brother went to Paris and brought us back a onesie that says Paris on it. I had told him not long before that we were starting to try, and it was such a sweet gesture for him to think of us as parents while he was there. I remember the elation of seeing how small and sweet-looking it is, and thinking, "I'm going to be a mom!" Of course, I thought it would be much sooner than now.

I keep that door closed. While we are busy planning for the rest of the house..."What color to paint the bedroom? The office? How much would new floors cost? Should we extend our backyard patio?"..We haven't had one discussion about what to do with that room. In my head, I've pictured different decorations and colors (and of course every time I'm in a store I take small detours to the infant section), but it's never been something we actually plan to do until we see those two glorious pink lines. I think it's better this way. Even just going in there and seeing the few items we have is a hard reminder...so we'll celebrate when we know it's real and happening for us. Until then, we'll just keep making other plans.

How fortune-ate.

M and I tried a new Asian Bistro for dinner. It was great! But the best part was what I got in my fortune cookie:
Pretty cool, right? I totally agree! If you sit at home bummed out and sad, you're not going to get that end result you want so badly! Every IF blog I've read reminds me of how strong and determined you have to be to have success!!!

Ovulation = fewer cysts?

I ovulated. On Friday. It was real and definite ovulation pain, and I confirmed it this morning with a temperature spike. This is way early for me (Day 10), but I'm attributing that to last month's anovulatory cycle. SO...does this mean my cysts are dissipating? Since it was left ovary that produced this month, does that mean my right ovary is still humongous? I still feel fat, but that could so easily be attributed to the fact that I haven't been allowed to do anything strenuous in the past week and a half. Ugggh! I wish I knew the answers! Really, the bottom line is that I am just praying that my ovaries will be back to normal when the RE does another u/s in July (or, at this rate late June). If they aren't, I know he'll tell me we have to wait until August. I can be patient, but not THAT patient. Fingers crossed.

I'm counting down...

....rather, I've been counting down until the last day of school! I have 6 days left. I can make it. I WILL make it.

M and I decided last night that we are definitely going down to SoCal soon. It looks now like it will be the week starting with July 4th. Yay! I am going to start trying to coordinate details (Dog-sitter and accomodations for us). We'll plan to stay about 5 days and then head to my hometown for A's 30th and M's baby shower. I'm getting excited at just the prospect of getting away for a little while!

And if everything goes according to plan...(which, of course, it never does..), we'll be back in time for the big you-know-what!

******************

Today, I am grateful for...

Work. It keeps me busy and focused. And I love the joyful moments.
My beautiful home and the memories we are making in it.
My little bro. I'll be seeing him in almost a week!
Strength and Peace.
My looong convo with E last night. It was SO great to finally catch up!
Sushi. My FAVORITE dinner (and hubby surprised me with it tonight!).

Blood!

M and I are both feeling a bit "lighter" this afternoon. He picked me up from work and we headed over to LabCorp to have blood taken for infectious disease testing. In addition, I had a cystic fibrosis test. It was kinda cool going together, I felt like we were a team doing all the necessary preparations for next month's IUI. They took four vials from me and two from M...it seemed like so much blood! Now, if only they could get rid of those cysts. They are so cumbersome and stress-producing.

After our blood adventure we had an early-evening wine, cheese, strawberry party for two :). What a nice Wednesday. Sometimes, it's just the simple things...

Taking the Month Off!

As weird as it might sound for someone who is desperate to be a mother, I am happy that we are not trying this month. I think after 13 months it is nice to have a month of not wondering, not obsessing over every little twinge, and not timing everything just perfectly! Hello spontaneity, old friend, we've missed you!

Having said that...why is it that when you are TTC, EVERYONE around you is pregnant? I'm not joking even a little bit here. There are three pregnant ladies in my neighborhood who walk by my house with their dogs (separately - I don't think they're friends) almost every day! Are they taunting me? In addition, every time I go to Walmart, Target, or Raley's I see at least 2 bellies. Every. Time. THREE different news stations have preggers ladies on their broadcasts!

Okay, was my rant for the week. I just had to get it out of my system, and I feel MUCH BETTER. I am truly not a Bitter Betty...only sometimes! My pity party is now over.

Our cabinets (and the whole kitchen for that matter) look fantastic! Last night DH stayed up finishing them. HE is fantastic. I'm such a blessed lady...

New Kitchen.

Sunday always comes so fast! We had a relaxing AND productive day today, which, to me, is the whole point of having weekends!!! It's so important to rest, but it's also the time to get stuff done because you're not exhausted from the work day. After M mowed both lawns (I couldn't help today :(..), we took a "leisurely stroll" to Hope Depot because I had this genius idea that I wanted to put hardware on our kitchen cabinets. Interesting note: it is VERY hard to "stroll." I literally had to slow myself down at times. Not an easy task, and it doubled our normal travel time to HD.

I had a ton of brushed nickel knobs left over from our apartment days, and wanted to put them to good use! So we went to "the homeowner's paradise", which, by the way, we visit EVERY WEEKEND, and picked out the handles we wanted for our drawers..and we needed a few longer bolts, so we got those too. We love the HD by our house because they let you bring your dog inside. Charlie is a BIG FAN of this!

We had a fun afternoon of drilling, screwing (get your minds out of the gutter!), and admiring our new hardware. M made the point that it really helps detract from how beat-up our cabinets are, and I think they make the kitchen look more elegant and finished - they help to break the monotony of the all the cherry! We are about halfway done...

I think we are becoming home-improvement addicts! I'm okay with that.

Sedentary.

So...according to Dr. W, I am to refrain from "strenuous activity" for the next couple of weeks. The reason for this being that I run the risk of ovarian torsion due to the size of my cysts. When I asked if walking the dog was okay, he replied, "As long as it is more of a leisurely stroll than actual exercise." This has me a bit stressed out! I'm not sure if what I'm doing is too much, and I had a lot of anxiety this morning while trying to get some housework done. Every little twinge I feel has me wondering if I'm causing harm to my ovaries. I decided to google it, and here's what I found:

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/795994-overview

It sounds like I'll know if it becomes serious, as the articles states that there will be a lot of pain associated with it. Okay. I can relax a little.

* * * * * * * * *

Tonight we are babysitting our niece (4) and nephew (8). Of course we have Charlie with us to provide a bit of extra entertainment. This will be fun, as we adore these kiddos!

A Big Year.

2009. This is a milestone year. Not only will I be turning 30 this year, but my mother will be turning 60! I'm looking at these events in a variety of ways. I truly feel that these milestone birthdays are important because they are marking new phases of life for both of us. As I prepare my body, my life, and my home for motherhood, my own mother prepares her life for retirement.

When Mom told me she was going to retire, I was surprised at the emotions I felt! Upon further contemplation, (even my earliest memories of her), I realized that a large part of my respect, admiration, and IMAGE of my mother is her role as nurse and professional woman. I associate her care of children and her dedication to her career as being a pivotal part of who I have become and the career I chose. I am not sad that my mom is retiring; just bittersweet. I am happy that she is charting a new path, and even more so, I'm proud of the work she's done over her lifetime. She has touched so many lives. Most importantly, though, she's influenced mine in ways she'll never know.

Thursday!

Thursdays bring hope. They, to me, are the beginning of my weekend mindset. This is not to say that I am "checked out" at work on Fridays. Only that I have an extra spring in my step that signifies my joy that the weekend has arrived at last. I LOVE Friday. It is simply the best day of the week!

That being said...Today I am grateful for:

1. Parents of students who acknowledge my hard work. They inspire me to be my best!
2. Colleagues who keep me sane throughout the day.
3. My dog - he is so innocent, loving, and easy to please...and he doesn't talk back!
4. Rain, thunder, and lightning. Without it, the heat would be unbearable.
5. My husband and the delicious dinner he prepared tonight.
6. Long conversations with my bestest friend in the world.
7. New tomatoes and herbs growing in my garden.
8. AF. Now WHEN have I ever been happy to see her???
9. Hope.

But I want a baby...now!!

Sir Charles the First (my baby!!)

I never thought my journey would be such a long, emotionally draining process just to become pregnant. I always thought the hard part was supposed to be once you HAD the baby!

Before I get to the story of the human baby, I MUST mention my second "Fur Baby" Charlie! He is a black Labrador Retriever. We adopted Charlie very shortly after we bought our house, and he has been nothing but joy and entertainment since. He is adored by all, but most of all his doting parents who spoil him to pieces!

So..after trying "naturally" (meaning I didn't use anything to help detect ovulation and I hadn't really done much research) for 3 months, I decided to start taking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) in August 2008. I had read that this was a useful tool in confirming ovulation and learning the patterns of one's cycle. So I went to WalMart and bought the BBT thermometer, which measures to the hundredth degree, so as to get a more accurate reading. I created an account on ferti.lityfr.iend.com, and began the daily process of recording waking temps and other fertility signs.

I temped from August until November (4 months). Each time, I confirmed ovulation, and had very regular cycles. When AF (Aunt Flo) showed up on Thanksgiving, I was sad (it had been 7 months and 8 cycles of trying at that point), and was beginning to suspect something might be wrong. Everyone was telling me that I just needed to relax and stop thinking about it (right).***Side Note: you should check out the blog, "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies." It put a lot of things into perspective for me...***

SO I stopped temping and just tried to think about other things. This proved to be hard during the holidays for a few reasons. First, do we really have power over the thoughts that biology drives? Second, being around family makes me want one of my own even more! And third, I found out that two of my oldest and dearest friends were beginning their quest to be mothers also. Now, this third reason made me think even more about motherhood because I had this tiny, nagging fear that they would both be pregnant sooner than I. Not that I felt in competition with them, or that I wouldn't be ELATED for them, but that I knew it would be hard to see them attain what I had been working for for awhile!

We tried again in December and January with no success, and I FINALLY made the decision to talk to my OB/GYN about it. I scheduled an appointment for February. I was very excited, because I knew that it would be the first step to getting fertility help. I was, in a way, turning over the control to the doctors. I was frustrated with "nature," as I felt it had let me down! The OB said that standard protocol was for the male to be tested first (I already knew this, as I am an avid internet researcher!). M was thrilled (not!), but was SUCH a good sport. This was the month I found out that old, dear friend #1 was 3 months pregnant.

After M's test came back within the "normal range," the doc ordered a Hysterosalpingogram for me. This took place in early March 2009. It was a bit painful, but really cool to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on the screen! Especially because the test came back normal, which means that my tubes and uterus are open! So...we continue our Baby dancing...

When we failed in March to become pregnant (which was disappointing because I had this theory that since my mom became preggers after her HSG that I would too), the doctor prescribed my first round of Clomid...a.k.a. crazy pills. I was to start them at the beginning of April (right around Easter). This is when I found out old, dear friend #2 was very newly pregnant. The phrase "mixed feelings," doesn't do it justice.

The remaining months went as follows:
April 2009: 1st round of Clomid, 50 mg. Failed.
May 2009: 2nd round of Clomid, 150 mg. Failed. DIDN'T OVULATE!!
June 2009: 1st appt with RE.
*I was thrilled to be seeing the RE! In my consult, the doctor told me that based on the testing and history we had, our course of treatment would be IUI (intrauterine insemination), accompanied by another round of Clomid at 50mg. He then took me in for an ultrasound. It was so cool to see my insides on the screen until...he found a bunch of HUMONGOUS cysts on my ovaries! I was totally freaking out! He said that it was caused by a high dosage of Clomid, which overstimulated my ovaries and turned them into grapefruits. This changed the plan of treatment, as he said that we'd have to wait a month for the cysts to dissipate. He also recommended that we don't "baby dance," in the next few weeks, as there is a possibility that the cysts will develop follicles that will then release eggs....which means I'd be OCTO MOM! No way, Jose! Not for me!

So the plan is to wait through June and begin the IUIs in July. Woo-Hoo!