I hate Clomid.

This month is my third try with clomid, although it's our first experience with IUI. The lower dosage is definitely better, but I am still getting hot flashes and mood swings. I had such a wonderful, relaxing day today, but I found myself crying tonight for no apparent reason! And now I'm fine. It's almost as if the clomid just makes you want to get the tears out and over with. I've heard the injectables are even worse! M was very sweet and understanding tonight. He just hugged and hugged me, and that made me feel a lot better. I know he doesn't have same intensity in his emotions about IF as I do, but I also know he does have sadness and a strong desire for our child to be conceived!

Tomorrow we leave for a long weekend road trip. I am very much looking forward to a change of scenery, and to get our on the open road with my hubby and puppy. We will be visiting my brother, M's brother and SIL, and other various friends. When we come back, I have an ultrasound to monitor the growth and size of my follies. I'm looking forward to this, as it puts us that much closer to the O date!

Not sure what to think.

M and I just returned from a fantastic weekend of wine tasting and visiting with family. Yesterday, I awoke to a drastically dropped temperature, so in my packing frenzy, I grabbed a handful of tampons to make sure I'd be okay for the trip. Sure enough, AF reared her ugly head into my beautiful Sunday morning. I was expecting to be excited to see AF this month, since this is supposed to be IUI attempt #1; however, I'm so conflicted, of course, because I am overthinking and anyalyzing everything right now!

My RE said I'm supposed to come in for a baseline ultrasound on CD 2 (tomorrow), and then start clomid on CDs 2-6. I'm pretty nervous that when I call in the morning they are going to tell me that since my cycle was so short (18 days!), it wasn't enough time for the cysts to dissipate, so I'll need to wait through another cycle. I'm praying this will not be the case, but am preparing myself for it all the same. In the case that they tell me to come in for the ultrasound and then find that the coast is clear, then I get to start the IUI protocol! Which means it's a mere two weeks until the big procedure! But...I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much!

But I want a baby...now!!

Sir Charles the First (my baby!!)

I never thought my journey would be such a long, emotionally draining process just to become pregnant. I always thought the hard part was supposed to be once you HAD the baby!

Before I get to the story of the human baby, I MUST mention my second "Fur Baby" Charlie! He is a black Labrador Retriever. We adopted Charlie very shortly after we bought our house, and he has been nothing but joy and entertainment since. He is adored by all, but most of all his doting parents who spoil him to pieces!

So..after trying "naturally" (meaning I didn't use anything to help detect ovulation and I hadn't really done much research) for 3 months, I decided to start taking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) in August 2008. I had read that this was a useful tool in confirming ovulation and learning the patterns of one's cycle. So I went to WalMart and bought the BBT thermometer, which measures to the hundredth degree, so as to get a more accurate reading. I created an account on ferti.lityfr.iend.com, and began the daily process of recording waking temps and other fertility signs.

I temped from August until November (4 months). Each time, I confirmed ovulation, and had very regular cycles. When AF (Aunt Flo) showed up on Thanksgiving, I was sad (it had been 7 months and 8 cycles of trying at that point), and was beginning to suspect something might be wrong. Everyone was telling me that I just needed to relax and stop thinking about it (right).***Side Note: you should check out the blog, "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies." It put a lot of things into perspective for me...***

SO I stopped temping and just tried to think about other things. This proved to be hard during the holidays for a few reasons. First, do we really have power over the thoughts that biology drives? Second, being around family makes me want one of my own even more! And third, I found out that two of my oldest and dearest friends were beginning their quest to be mothers also. Now, this third reason made me think even more about motherhood because I had this tiny, nagging fear that they would both be pregnant sooner than I. Not that I felt in competition with them, or that I wouldn't be ELATED for them, but that I knew it would be hard to see them attain what I had been working for for awhile!

We tried again in December and January with no success, and I FINALLY made the decision to talk to my OB/GYN about it. I scheduled an appointment for February. I was very excited, because I knew that it would be the first step to getting fertility help. I was, in a way, turning over the control to the doctors. I was frustrated with "nature," as I felt it had let me down! The OB said that standard protocol was for the male to be tested first (I already knew this, as I am an avid internet researcher!). M was thrilled (not!), but was SUCH a good sport. This was the month I found out that old, dear friend #1 was 3 months pregnant.

After M's test came back within the "normal range," the doc ordered a Hysterosalpingogram for me. This took place in early March 2009. It was a bit painful, but really cool to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on the screen! Especially because the test came back normal, which means that my tubes and uterus are open! So...we continue our Baby dancing...

When we failed in March to become pregnant (which was disappointing because I had this theory that since my mom became preggers after her HSG that I would too), the doctor prescribed my first round of Clomid...a.k.a. crazy pills. I was to start them at the beginning of April (right around Easter). This is when I found out old, dear friend #2 was very newly pregnant. The phrase "mixed feelings," doesn't do it justice.

The remaining months went as follows:
April 2009: 1st round of Clomid, 50 mg. Failed.
May 2009: 2nd round of Clomid, 150 mg. Failed. DIDN'T OVULATE!!
June 2009: 1st appt with RE.
*I was thrilled to be seeing the RE! In my consult, the doctor told me that based on the testing and history we had, our course of treatment would be IUI (intrauterine insemination), accompanied by another round of Clomid at 50mg. He then took me in for an ultrasound. It was so cool to see my insides on the screen until...he found a bunch of HUMONGOUS cysts on my ovaries! I was totally freaking out! He said that it was caused by a high dosage of Clomid, which overstimulated my ovaries and turned them into grapefruits. This changed the plan of treatment, as he said that we'd have to wait a month for the cysts to dissipate. He also recommended that we don't "baby dance," in the next few weeks, as there is a possibility that the cysts will develop follicles that will then release eggs....which means I'd be OCTO MOM! No way, Jose! Not for me!

So the plan is to wait through June and begin the IUIs in July. Woo-Hoo!