Blessed.

I was walking with my dear pooch today and some Elton John came on my shuffle. This Elton John, which promptly made me start crying. I love these lyrics:

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Right now, I'm blessed.

2009.

It's the time of year that we are all reflecting on the past and looking to the future. Looking back over my year, I have such a mix of emotions and memories. I am very glad that today is the last day of 2009.

When this year started, I had such high hopes for a better year since 7 months of 2008 were spent in ttc disappointment, sadness, and frustration. 11 months of 2009 absolutely sucked. I was a hormonal, bitter infertile for so many of those months...and of course the ectopic put the icing on the cake. Lameness personified.

The last few weeks of 2009 have been better than any other, but I can't say that I'm experiencing sheer bliss. I am guarded.

I am choosing to be optimistic about this because I know that it's the best thing for my general health right now. I am focused on being stress and worry free, but I haven't let the happiness in like I imagine many fertile women do in the first few weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, but not giddy. Just cautiously hopeful!

I, like many of you, am anticipating a better year in 2010. Even if portions of it are less than perfect, I think that overall this will be a much needed improvement.

I'm thinking of you all, no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you, sincerely, for being an amazing support system to me this year. You've made me feel so less alone in this unfair struggle.

Happy New Year!

Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!

Halloween

I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.

When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.

M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.

I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.

In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.

I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.

It's raining pregnancies!

I really have nothing too exciting to post about my own life right now. Just working and counting the days until AF #2...at which point I will start counting the days until AF #3! I have definitely been keeping up with my reading, and am all caught up on the lives of my IF sisters..

..and the TWO more recent BFPS! Amber just got a surprise positive, after being on a break. Perhaps she was just "relaxed" enough?! Ha! A big congrats to her!

Additionally, Natalie received a beautiful second pink line after many years of heartbreak. I can't think of a woman more deserving of the joys of motherhood, especially after all she has experienced and survived. Congrats and sticky vibes to her!

I have now appropriately moved these lovely ladies to the "Baking the Bun" portion of my blog. Now, in the first time in my blogging history, I have more buddies in that category that in the "Preheating the Oven" portion! This, my friends, gives me hope.