Anticipation.

Today was my CD 10 ultrasound with the RE to check the progress of my follicle development and size of my uterine lining. As it turns out, I have two "very nice looking" follicles on my right ovary, but my lining is not thick enough yet. So the doctor gave me an estrogen patch to wear on my tummy, which is supposed to thicken the lining. In addition, we were given the HCG injectables and a quick tutorial on how to administer the shot. It's supposed to give me the surge...but we will only need this if I don't see a LH surge on my OPK today or tomorrow. We will do the shot on Wednesday night, and the IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning. This was a lot of information to take in, but pretty exciting also! I am just praying this cycle works out. Really praying.

My mom suggested some meditation, relaxation, and visualization for the next few days. I think I will take her advice on this. I am going to try to be as relaxed and healthy as possible!

I can still have good news...

I am such a nerd. I called my SIL today to finalize plans to see them this weekend, and after chatting for awhile, I said, "Oh yeah, I have good news!" To which she responded by freaking out (because she thought my good news was THE news). I quickly remedied the situation, correcting myself (and her) by sharing the real good news! This is the second time that happened this week. My good friend, who lives far away, and I were catching up on the phone, and I made the mistake of telling her that I have good news. She had a similar "freak out" reaction.

I ran upstairs today after getting off the phone with SIL and told M to remind me to NOT say I have good news until I have THE good news that everyone is expecting! I guess this is a repercussion of making my IF struggle public news!

I hate Clomid.

This month is my third try with clomid, although it's our first experience with IUI. The lower dosage is definitely better, but I am still getting hot flashes and mood swings. I had such a wonderful, relaxing day today, but I found myself crying tonight for no apparent reason! And now I'm fine. It's almost as if the clomid just makes you want to get the tears out and over with. I've heard the injectables are even worse! M was very sweet and understanding tonight. He just hugged and hugged me, and that made me feel a lot better. I know he doesn't have same intensity in his emotions about IF as I do, but I also know he does have sadness and a strong desire for our child to be conceived!

Tomorrow we leave for a long weekend road trip. I am very much looking forward to a change of scenery, and to get our on the open road with my hubby and puppy. We will be visiting my brother, M's brother and SIL, and other various friends. When we come back, I have an ultrasound to monitor the growth and size of my follies. I'm looking forward to this, as it puts us that much closer to the O date!

Cautiously Optimistic.

I went in for my ultrasound this morning, and saw that the cysts had almost completely resolved. There were a few small ones, but nothing of great concern. So we are going ahead with our plan of action! IUI #1 will take place next week sometime! I am guardedly excited, and cautiously optimistic...keeping fingers and toes crossed!

Not sure what to think.

M and I just returned from a fantastic weekend of wine tasting and visiting with family. Yesterday, I awoke to a drastically dropped temperature, so in my packing frenzy, I grabbed a handful of tampons to make sure I'd be okay for the trip. Sure enough, AF reared her ugly head into my beautiful Sunday morning. I was expecting to be excited to see AF this month, since this is supposed to be IUI attempt #1; however, I'm so conflicted, of course, because I am overthinking and anyalyzing everything right now!

My RE said I'm supposed to come in for a baseline ultrasound on CD 2 (tomorrow), and then start clomid on CDs 2-6. I'm pretty nervous that when I call in the morning they are going to tell me that since my cycle was so short (18 days!), it wasn't enough time for the cysts to dissipate, so I'll need to wait through another cycle. I'm praying this will not be the case, but am preparing myself for it all the same. In the case that they tell me to come in for the ultrasound and then find that the coast is clear, then I get to start the IUI protocol! Which means it's a mere two weeks until the big procedure! But...I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much!

Friday! Summer is here!

I love the last day of school! I'm always more exhausted on this day, even though it's usually early release for the kids. I have to clean the classroom and tear down bulletin boards. And I'm also emotionally drained because I have to say bye to my students! Even on the worst days, they are just children, and I adore them.

M surprised me with a "last-day-of-school-gift" this morning! He got up at o-dark hundred to stand in line at the Apple Store in anticipation of the new iphone 3G S. He was SUPPOSED to just get one for him (we both have the iphone 3G!!), but when I was pulling away from Starbucks on my way to school, he pulled up next to me with my new phone! Yay! What a good guy he is...!

We are packing and cleaning for a trip to see my parents for Father's Day. I love weekend trips. AND I get to see my brother tomorrow!!!! Reggie and Jack, look out...your weekend is about to get a bit more "energetic"!

Movie.

There's an ad for a new movie that has been playing over and over again. The movie is "My Sister's Keeper" with Abigail Breslin and Cameron Diaz. In the trailer, Abigail character begins with, "Most babies are accidents.."

I beg to differ.

************************************

Today, I am grateful for..

The last week of school.
Peace and quiet this evening while M is out.
My friend A who sent me an extremely thoughtful email.
My brother's excitement about his new dog.
New kitchen gadgets (yay Pampered Chef!)
Love. Hope. Patience.

Calculations.

Since I O'd very early in my cycle (FF actually set it as last Thursday CD 8), I am calculating that if my LP is still the same length (which it shoud be b/c I'm not taking progesterone this month), this will be a much shorter cycle than anticipated. Therefore, our SoCal plans will be on hold for the time being. I reread the plan of treatment from the RE, and it looks like we are going to need to stick around for a few weeks, at least until the IUI is completed. Small sacrifices, big reward.

What did I say about making plans? Geesh!

Plans.

It's striking to me that although I make plans for a living (literally!), I've had to rearrange plans in my personal life for over a year now. We have a bedroom upstairs that I planned to be baby's room since the day we made the offer on our house. Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I wanted it to be the other upstairs room that M wanted for his office. He won...and it's a good thing, since there's no baby to occupy that room now - and we've been in our house for a year! But it's there, and it's not holding anthing I planned it to!

It used to be that I would hold off on buying regular clothes because I thought that I'd be needing maternity clothes in the near future. It was always in the back of my mind. I have given up on that plan for awhile!

I went in that room the other day. We have a queen bed in there that is used when we have more that one couple visiting (there's a real guest room downstairs). Also in there is everything I've collected for baby since we began TTC. It's not much, but when I think about how long it's been sitting there, I get a little sad. Last May, my SIL gave us her kids' baby furniture (crib and bassinet), so it's in there, disassembled and pathetic looking. In addition, last June my brother went to Paris and brought us back a onesie that says Paris on it. I had told him not long before that we were starting to try, and it was such a sweet gesture for him to think of us as parents while he was there. I remember the elation of seeing how small and sweet-looking it is, and thinking, "I'm going to be a mom!" Of course, I thought it would be much sooner than now.

I keep that door closed. While we are busy planning for the rest of the house..."What color to paint the bedroom? The office? How much would new floors cost? Should we extend our backyard patio?"..We haven't had one discussion about what to do with that room. In my head, I've pictured different decorations and colors (and of course every time I'm in a store I take small detours to the infant section), but it's never been something we actually plan to do until we see those two glorious pink lines. I think it's better this way. Even just going in there and seeing the few items we have is a hard reminder...so we'll celebrate when we know it's real and happening for us. Until then, we'll just keep making other plans.

How fortune-ate.

M and I tried a new Asian Bistro for dinner. It was great! But the best part was what I got in my fortune cookie:
Pretty cool, right? I totally agree! If you sit at home bummed out and sad, you're not going to get that end result you want so badly! Every IF blog I've read reminds me of how strong and determined you have to be to have success!!!

Ovulation = fewer cysts?

I ovulated. On Friday. It was real and definite ovulation pain, and I confirmed it this morning with a temperature spike. This is way early for me (Day 10), but I'm attributing that to last month's anovulatory cycle. SO...does this mean my cysts are dissipating? Since it was left ovary that produced this month, does that mean my right ovary is still humongous? I still feel fat, but that could so easily be attributed to the fact that I haven't been allowed to do anything strenuous in the past week and a half. Ugggh! I wish I knew the answers! Really, the bottom line is that I am just praying that my ovaries will be back to normal when the RE does another u/s in July (or, at this rate late June). If they aren't, I know he'll tell me we have to wait until August. I can be patient, but not THAT patient. Fingers crossed.

I'm counting down...

....rather, I've been counting down until the last day of school! I have 6 days left. I can make it. I WILL make it.

M and I decided last night that we are definitely going down to SoCal soon. It looks now like it will be the week starting with July 4th. Yay! I am going to start trying to coordinate details (Dog-sitter and accomodations for us). We'll plan to stay about 5 days and then head to my hometown for A's 30th and M's baby shower. I'm getting excited at just the prospect of getting away for a little while!

And if everything goes according to plan...(which, of course, it never does..), we'll be back in time for the big you-know-what!

******************

Today, I am grateful for...

Work. It keeps me busy and focused. And I love the joyful moments.
My beautiful home and the memories we are making in it.
My little bro. I'll be seeing him in almost a week!
Strength and Peace.
My looong convo with E last night. It was SO great to finally catch up!
Sushi. My FAVORITE dinner (and hubby surprised me with it tonight!).

Blood!

M and I are both feeling a bit "lighter" this afternoon. He picked me up from work and we headed over to LabCorp to have blood taken for infectious disease testing. In addition, I had a cystic fibrosis test. It was kinda cool going together, I felt like we were a team doing all the necessary preparations for next month's IUI. They took four vials from me and two from M...it seemed like so much blood! Now, if only they could get rid of those cysts. They are so cumbersome and stress-producing.

After our blood adventure we had an early-evening wine, cheese, strawberry party for two :). What a nice Wednesday. Sometimes, it's just the simple things...

Taking the Month Off!

As weird as it might sound for someone who is desperate to be a mother, I am happy that we are not trying this month. I think after 13 months it is nice to have a month of not wondering, not obsessing over every little twinge, and not timing everything just perfectly! Hello spontaneity, old friend, we've missed you!

Having said that...why is it that when you are TTC, EVERYONE around you is pregnant? I'm not joking even a little bit here. There are three pregnant ladies in my neighborhood who walk by my house with their dogs (separately - I don't think they're friends) almost every day! Are they taunting me? In addition, every time I go to Walmart, Target, or Raley's I see at least 2 bellies. Every. Time. THREE different news stations have preggers ladies on their broadcasts!

Okay, was my rant for the week. I just had to get it out of my system, and I feel MUCH BETTER. I am truly not a Bitter Betty...only sometimes! My pity party is now over.

Our cabinets (and the whole kitchen for that matter) look fantastic! Last night DH stayed up finishing them. HE is fantastic. I'm such a blessed lady...

New Kitchen.

Sunday always comes so fast! We had a relaxing AND productive day today, which, to me, is the whole point of having weekends!!! It's so important to rest, but it's also the time to get stuff done because you're not exhausted from the work day. After M mowed both lawns (I couldn't help today :(..), we took a "leisurely stroll" to Hope Depot because I had this genius idea that I wanted to put hardware on our kitchen cabinets. Interesting note: it is VERY hard to "stroll." I literally had to slow myself down at times. Not an easy task, and it doubled our normal travel time to HD.

I had a ton of brushed nickel knobs left over from our apartment days, and wanted to put them to good use! So we went to "the homeowner's paradise", which, by the way, we visit EVERY WEEKEND, and picked out the handles we wanted for our drawers..and we needed a few longer bolts, so we got those too. We love the HD by our house because they let you bring your dog inside. Charlie is a BIG FAN of this!

We had a fun afternoon of drilling, screwing (get your minds out of the gutter!), and admiring our new hardware. M made the point that it really helps detract from how beat-up our cabinets are, and I think they make the kitchen look more elegant and finished - they help to break the monotony of the all the cherry! We are about halfway done...

I think we are becoming home-improvement addicts! I'm okay with that.

Sedentary.

So...according to Dr. W, I am to refrain from "strenuous activity" for the next couple of weeks. The reason for this being that I run the risk of ovarian torsion due to the size of my cysts. When I asked if walking the dog was okay, he replied, "As long as it is more of a leisurely stroll than actual exercise." This has me a bit stressed out! I'm not sure if what I'm doing is too much, and I had a lot of anxiety this morning while trying to get some housework done. Every little twinge I feel has me wondering if I'm causing harm to my ovaries. I decided to google it, and here's what I found:

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/795994-overview

It sounds like I'll know if it becomes serious, as the articles states that there will be a lot of pain associated with it. Okay. I can relax a little.

* * * * * * * * *

Tonight we are babysitting our niece (4) and nephew (8). Of course we have Charlie with us to provide a bit of extra entertainment. This will be fun, as we adore these kiddos!

A Big Year.

2009. This is a milestone year. Not only will I be turning 30 this year, but my mother will be turning 60! I'm looking at these events in a variety of ways. I truly feel that these milestone birthdays are important because they are marking new phases of life for both of us. As I prepare my body, my life, and my home for motherhood, my own mother prepares her life for retirement.

When Mom told me she was going to retire, I was surprised at the emotions I felt! Upon further contemplation, (even my earliest memories of her), I realized that a large part of my respect, admiration, and IMAGE of my mother is her role as nurse and professional woman. I associate her care of children and her dedication to her career as being a pivotal part of who I have become and the career I chose. I am not sad that my mom is retiring; just bittersweet. I am happy that she is charting a new path, and even more so, I'm proud of the work she's done over her lifetime. She has touched so many lives. Most importantly, though, she's influenced mine in ways she'll never know.

Thursday!

Thursdays bring hope. They, to me, are the beginning of my weekend mindset. This is not to say that I am "checked out" at work on Fridays. Only that I have an extra spring in my step that signifies my joy that the weekend has arrived at last. I LOVE Friday. It is simply the best day of the week!

That being said...Today I am grateful for:

1. Parents of students who acknowledge my hard work. They inspire me to be my best!
2. Colleagues who keep me sane throughout the day.
3. My dog - he is so innocent, loving, and easy to please...and he doesn't talk back!
4. Rain, thunder, and lightning. Without it, the heat would be unbearable.
5. My husband and the delicious dinner he prepared tonight.
6. Long conversations with my bestest friend in the world.
7. New tomatoes and herbs growing in my garden.
8. AF. Now WHEN have I ever been happy to see her???
9. Hope.

But I want a baby...now!!

Sir Charles the First (my baby!!)

I never thought my journey would be such a long, emotionally draining process just to become pregnant. I always thought the hard part was supposed to be once you HAD the baby!

Before I get to the story of the human baby, I MUST mention my second "Fur Baby" Charlie! He is a black Labrador Retriever. We adopted Charlie very shortly after we bought our house, and he has been nothing but joy and entertainment since. He is adored by all, but most of all his doting parents who spoil him to pieces!

So..after trying "naturally" (meaning I didn't use anything to help detect ovulation and I hadn't really done much research) for 3 months, I decided to start taking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) in August 2008. I had read that this was a useful tool in confirming ovulation and learning the patterns of one's cycle. So I went to WalMart and bought the BBT thermometer, which measures to the hundredth degree, so as to get a more accurate reading. I created an account on ferti.lityfr.iend.com, and began the daily process of recording waking temps and other fertility signs.

I temped from August until November (4 months). Each time, I confirmed ovulation, and had very regular cycles. When AF (Aunt Flo) showed up on Thanksgiving, I was sad (it had been 7 months and 8 cycles of trying at that point), and was beginning to suspect something might be wrong. Everyone was telling me that I just needed to relax and stop thinking about it (right).***Side Note: you should check out the blog, "Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies." It put a lot of things into perspective for me...***

SO I stopped temping and just tried to think about other things. This proved to be hard during the holidays for a few reasons. First, do we really have power over the thoughts that biology drives? Second, being around family makes me want one of my own even more! And third, I found out that two of my oldest and dearest friends were beginning their quest to be mothers also. Now, this third reason made me think even more about motherhood because I had this tiny, nagging fear that they would both be pregnant sooner than I. Not that I felt in competition with them, or that I wouldn't be ELATED for them, but that I knew it would be hard to see them attain what I had been working for for awhile!

We tried again in December and January with no success, and I FINALLY made the decision to talk to my OB/GYN about it. I scheduled an appointment for February. I was very excited, because I knew that it would be the first step to getting fertility help. I was, in a way, turning over the control to the doctors. I was frustrated with "nature," as I felt it had let me down! The OB said that standard protocol was for the male to be tested first (I already knew this, as I am an avid internet researcher!). M was thrilled (not!), but was SUCH a good sport. This was the month I found out that old, dear friend #1 was 3 months pregnant.

After M's test came back within the "normal range," the doc ordered a Hysterosalpingogram for me. This took place in early March 2009. It was a bit painful, but really cool to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on the screen! Especially because the test came back normal, which means that my tubes and uterus are open! So...we continue our Baby dancing...

When we failed in March to become pregnant (which was disappointing because I had this theory that since my mom became preggers after her HSG that I would too), the doctor prescribed my first round of Clomid...a.k.a. crazy pills. I was to start them at the beginning of April (right around Easter). This is when I found out old, dear friend #2 was very newly pregnant. The phrase "mixed feelings," doesn't do it justice.

The remaining months went as follows:
April 2009: 1st round of Clomid, 50 mg. Failed.
May 2009: 2nd round of Clomid, 150 mg. Failed. DIDN'T OVULATE!!
June 2009: 1st appt with RE.
*I was thrilled to be seeing the RE! In my consult, the doctor told me that based on the testing and history we had, our course of treatment would be IUI (intrauterine insemination), accompanied by another round of Clomid at 50mg. He then took me in for an ultrasound. It was so cool to see my insides on the screen until...he found a bunch of HUMONGOUS cysts on my ovaries! I was totally freaking out! He said that it was caused by a high dosage of Clomid, which overstimulated my ovaries and turned them into grapefruits. This changed the plan of treatment, as he said that we'd have to wait a month for the cysts to dissipate. He also recommended that we don't "baby dance," in the next few weeks, as there is a possibility that the cysts will develop follicles that will then release eggs....which means I'd be OCTO MOM! No way, Jose! Not for me!

So the plan is to wait through June and begin the IUIs in July. Woo-Hoo!