Gratitude...it's been too long!

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Perspective. As I am beginning to experience some pregnancy-related inconveniences...like not being able to sleep on my tummy anymore....I am reminded how small a thing it is compared to the Big Picture.

2. My amazing hubby. The past few weeks I have started noticing subtle changes in his patience, demeanor, and attitude toward me. This is not to say that he's normally rude or un-caring, but I've seen a change in his willingness to care for and nurture me. This is so incredibly wonderful right now since my exhaustion and nausea must be tiresome to him.

3. My good friend A. Some of you may remember that she was the pregnant friend who was so incredibly kind to me during my infertile period. She never gave unwanted cliche advice and never told me I shouldn't feel angry or sad. She simply listened to me, and I loved being able to share my feelings with her. Now that she has had her gorgeous baby girl, she is a source of advice, love, and support for me in my pregnancy.

4. My little Elfie. Yes, that's right. M and I named our (then embryo, now fetus) little one Elfie. We wanted something Christmasy since we got our BFP 5 days before Christmas, and prefer to think of it as if Santa's Elves played a part in helping our dream come true. So Elfie it is. I marvel everyday at the life growing inside of me. It is still so surreal, and my love is already infinite.

Progesterone, Facebook, and Sensitivity.

I forgot to mention on Monday that the RE told me I could stop the progesterone suppositories. Obviously, from a spotting/irritated cervix position, I was elated. Apparently the placenta is developed enough to carry on the hormone production, but it still makes me a bit nervous. Because I have a LP defect, I am on edge a bit not knowing how much that extra progesterone was helping to sustain the pregnancy. So of course I am the obsessive TP checker (even more so than usual if you can believe that). So far, so good. Maybe these doctors know what they're talking about after all?

In other news, a friend of mine from college just announced her pregnancy in FB last night. She is 14 weeks along and just heard the heartbeat for the first time. The infertiles reading this know that can only mean that she got pregnant without ART...so even though I am pregnant, and just a mere 4 weeks behind her, I can't help but have those old feelings that IF brings. It doesn't change once you get pregnant, people.

On the same note, I have decided that I will not be announcing anything pregnancy-related on FB. I figure that the people I am close to will know through a phone call or in person, and those I knew years ago in HS but haven't really had much contact with over the years don't necessarily need an announcement. Also, I'd like to consider myself a more sensitive person since experiencing infertility, and don't want any of my friends (who knows, there might be a few out there experiencing the hell I went through) to have to hear my announcement that way. I will always remember how much it sucks.

Telling friends.

So...this weekend we stayed with 2 other couples at a cabin in Tahoe. It was awesome, although I couldn't snowboard...so that limited some of the activity. Before we went, M and I decided that it might be impossible to NOT tell them because I wouldn't be drinking, and with this crowd that's just downright unacceptable (unless you're pregnant!). As anticipated, about a half-hour into the day, my friend started making comments...which of course led us to confirm it. Everyone was so excited, as they know what we've been through in the past 20 months. It was a good feeling...but I couldn't help the nagging feeling of "what if..".

Today I am 6w4d and am getting sicker as the days go by. More nausea, a little barf thrown in, and some mean headaches (in combination with the constant drowsiness) make me feel like a zombie. I know that it's all normal, though, and am just praying that we see a living embryo at the ultrasound next Monday.

Gratitude and my amazing friend.

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Recognition for my blog (yay!)
2. A nice lunch with my Aunt and Uncle (who live in a city far, far, away)
3. My hard working, diligent husband
4. Backyard play time with the pooch.
5. My mind being put at ease about ectopic rupture.
6. All my new creations.

And last, but not least..........

My fabulous friend E sent me a care package today. She packed it full of so many goodies! Books, candy, jewelry, and (best of all) a heartfelt note of sympathy and encouragement. She literally made my MONTH. I was so overwhelmed by this sweet gesture and I'm honored to be her friend. Thank you, E. Today I am most grateful for our friendship.

I'm leaving Facebook.

I seriously cannot handle this.

I check FB every one in awhile to see what's happening with my friends. I think I told you that recently I had two pregnancy announcements on there that put a sour taste in my mouth and got me thinking about a FB divorce.

Today is the deciding factor.

My college roommate (who has 3 beautiful children and has been easily reproducing since we graduated) just posted an ultrasound pic of her TWINS. No, these are not A.R.T. twins, these are "oops, I'm so fertile that I released two eggs on my own" twins (Or, my extremely fertile egg split in two). She only wanted one more, and she is getting two. I just want one, and I can't seem to get any!

One of the other friends who recently announced her pregnancy is now complaining she can't be as active as she was before. She has two other children. Another friend is trying to get her friends to review different baby products and get advice through her FB posts. This will be her second child.

Oh, the injustice, as I sit here healing from my first nonviable pregnancy.

I needed this rant. Thanks for listening.

Infertility's Ups and Downs.

SO...I survived the weekend! Actually, overall, it went better than I thought it would, which is not say that it wasn't extremely hard, but I think I did okay (not great). I got pretty sad and emotional on Friday night for A's birthday. I was fine until I saw the two pregfriends hug and then compare bellies. Ouch. It felt like they were in this exclusive club that I keep requesting membership to, but am continually turned down. I guess what is so hard about it is that I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember (I'm not joking here), and I'm watching my friends living my dream without me. I felt that A really wanted to swap stories with M about baby's development and things she is experiencing, etc. that she can't necessarily share with me because I haven't been there and I don't have any idea what it's like to be pregnant. I so wanted to be in that club with them.

Having said that, A was amazing to me. She is a true blue friend, and I am so lucky to know her. Even though she hasn't been in my shoes, she is so sensitive to my feelings and I know that she comes from a place of compassion and love. Surprisingly, the baby shower was way easier to handle than the dinner! It was fun, and I even got to feel some baby kicks. SO exciting (such a fascinating feeling), and a nice bonding moment for me and A.

I've been thinking so much about IF lately..

Our infertility is nobody's fault. I don't blame anyone for the hand we've been dealt. I understand that the pain I have felt from this is so minor compared to the suffering in this world. Reading the many IF blogs and the tragedies women have been faced with is a humbling experience, and I know that somehow this journey is meant to strengthen us individually and in our marriage, and give us perspective on the sanctity of the life we WILL someday create. Patience and hope are not lost!

Thursday!

Thursdays bring hope. They, to me, are the beginning of my weekend mindset. This is not to say that I am "checked out" at work on Fridays. Only that I have an extra spring in my step that signifies my joy that the weekend has arrived at last. I LOVE Friday. It is simply the best day of the week!

That being said...Today I am grateful for:

1. Parents of students who acknowledge my hard work. They inspire me to be my best!
2. Colleagues who keep me sane throughout the day.
3. My dog - he is so innocent, loving, and easy to please...and he doesn't talk back!
4. Rain, thunder, and lightning. Without it, the heat would be unbearable.
5. My husband and the delicious dinner he prepared tonight.
6. Long conversations with my bestest friend in the world.
7. New tomatoes and herbs growing in my garden.
8. AF. Now WHEN have I ever been happy to see her???
9. Hope.