The Roller Coaster is slowing down....and I'm ready to get off!

I haven't posted here in over a week. It has been a crazy week of ups and downs, but our roller coaster is slowing, and I'm so ready to get off. I hope I can adequately explain what has been happening.

So...the last I told you is that our 2nd beta increased - but not appropriately - which meant I couldn't start a new cycle, and I was at risk for ectopic pregnancy. Well, well, well. I went in for a 3rd beta ( Wednesday - 48 hours later), and the number had increased to 53 (a more than adequate growth). The NP called me and said that she suspected I was pregnant. She went on to explain that such an increase indicated a blood supply, but that we should continue to monitor hCG levels to see what was my little bean was going to show us next!

So Friday rolls around, and the 4th beta is 118. This is another awesome increase, so I'm thinking that she might actually be correct. We start letting ourselves believe that we are going to be parents and proceed to tell a few close friends and family members. Excitement ensues.

I went in for beta #5 on Tuesday (two days ago), and the number had grown to 297, but this was not quite enough of a 4-day percentage growth as we would have liked to see. I was let down, but still had hope that it could just be a slow-growing bean.

I had hope.

Until today. Beta #6 was 386. Definitely not enough to indicate viable pregnancy. More so, likely evidence of ectopic. The doctor called this afternoon to discuss our options.

First, we have decided to do a D&C (tomorrow morning) to check the uterus for any pregnancy tissue. If that comes back positive, we wait for hCG levels to drop, sit out a cycle, and start again with IUI #2.

If the D&C comes back negative for pregnancy tissue, I am given a shot of Methotrexate to kill the bean growing in my fallopian tube (or elsewhere, I guess). Methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug, but has proven itself useful in aborting ectopic pregnancies. My mom (who is a nurse) says it's called a "therapeutic abortion." I then have to wait 2 more cycles before trying again. Uggh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (and crying) and analyzing (and crying) about our journey and the experience of IFers in general. What's surprising to me in this ordeal is that the joy I had in thinking I was pregnant was a strange kind. It was accompanied by a feeling of guilt and apprehension. I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it...like I hadn't experienced enough pain in my TTC journey. It was weird to me that I would get pregnant, and I really didn't believe it to be possible. Is this what IF does to us? Does it mar our experience so much that when we actually become pregnant (viable or not), we are so cautious and guarded about letting ourselves feel joy?

So..when they say "roller coaster of emotions," this experience doesn't even begin to compare with the ups and downs of a normal roller coaster. This has been a scary coaster - the kind that once you get on, you immediately regret it and desperately want it to stop. I'm grateful for an answer - some sort of diagnosis - either way because I was in limbo for a long time. and I just want to get back to my naive and blissful TTC with hope and faith that it will happen for us.

Someday.

The hits keep coming.

I went to the RE today for u/s and b/w in order to get started on the next cycle (this time with Femara and IUI). They told me that I couldn't begin the Femara until they ran another beta to make sure our bean was gone. I happily left, thinking I would run by the pharmacy and have the drugs ready for when I got the call.

Then it came. Today's beta was 20.

Our bean in still in there somewhere.

This new number is obviously still too low. Appropriate increase would be 60% every 48 hours. Plus the fact that AF IS IN TOWN, means we are still not pregnant. The Doc isn't sure if the number is on its way up or down, so they are going to monitor me to see what happens. They are putting me on "ectopic precautions."

Ectopic? Seriously? Is this now what we have to deal with? Isn't it enough that we can't get pregnant? Isn't it enough that we've suffered this long?

To further piss me off, this cycle is out. I now have to wait another month before starting the drugs and doing the IUI. Apparently, my uterus needs to be in tip-top shape before we attempt to put another bean in there. I totally get and respect this, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

I was so excited to be starting again. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Now what am I supposed to do? I am so sad, and all I can think about is where the heck it is, and whether it's going to cause more serious problems for our fertility in the future. If it's in my tube, will I have to have the tube removed?

In other happy news, two of my friends from college made pregnancy announcements on FB in the last two weeks. In addition, my really fertile neighbor told us the other night that they are going to start trying for number 2. Great. This is just what I needed.

When is it going to be my turn?

Our first bean.

****Friends and family who follow my blog: I need to put this out into the cyberverse as therapy and a way to possibly learn more about my situation (by connecting with fellow IFers). I apologize that I'm not quite prepared to have discussions about it, and hope you aren't offended by this impersonal venue.

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Yesterday was my beta. Here's what happened:

Good news: We had a bean!
Bad news: Our bean didn't stick.

My beta was positive (5 indicates pregnancy and mine was 12) but very low. The RE called to explain to me that this could mean one of two things: either I had a late implantation - a likely scenario based on my trigger and IUI dates - or it is a chemical pregnancy. Our plan was to wait until Tuesday for another beta, or call on Monday to announce AF's arrival.

Guess who showed up this morning?

I had heard about chemical pregnancies (a.k.a. early miscarriages), but didn't know as much as I do now!! Apparently, M's guys made contact with my egg, but something occurred that didn't allow our blastocyst to implant, OR early implantation took place, wherein a sac was formed, but an embryo did not grow. Let me tell you that this is the CLOSEST we have ever been to being pregnant. It is such a relief and blessing to know that we CAN make contact (woo-hoo!), and that the IUIs could quite possibly be our ticket.

So after my initial let-down of seeing AF today, I felt pretty darn good about the fact that we seem to be getting closer to solving this mystery. Unfortunately, that good feeling lasted only until about 5 pm., as the reality of what occurred started to sink in.

It hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

I was in the shower, and all of a sudden started thinking about WHY this happened. Did I do something wrong? I went over this past week with a fine-toothed comb. Should I not have had a glass of wine the other night? I'm taking progesterone, so shouldn't my uterus be all nice and spongy and ready for baby to implant?

Will this happen again??

After a nice cathartic cry, I have come to the conclusion that it's way better to see the silver lining (although I'm more involved in looking at my uterine lining right now ;), than beat myself up with questions and what-ifs.

This event is a blessing, and I'm grateful for the strength to keep going.

Being Thankful

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -- Buddha

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Today, I am grateful for...

Sunshine and a clean pooch.
My ILs (I don't have to make dinner in this heat!)
M's handsome new haircut AND his sensitive side (that has been peeking out more and more as the months move along..)
All my supportive blogging friends and the IF community I've discovered (yay!)
New paint.
Packages in the mail (I love getting new books!!!)
Being okay no matter what happens.

Infertility's Ups and Downs.

SO...I survived the weekend! Actually, overall, it went better than I thought it would, which is not say that it wasn't extremely hard, but I think I did okay (not great). I got pretty sad and emotional on Friday night for A's birthday. I was fine until I saw the two pregfriends hug and then compare bellies. Ouch. It felt like they were in this exclusive club that I keep requesting membership to, but am continually turned down. I guess what is so hard about it is that I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember (I'm not joking here), and I'm watching my friends living my dream without me. I felt that A really wanted to swap stories with M about baby's development and things she is experiencing, etc. that she can't necessarily share with me because I haven't been there and I don't have any idea what it's like to be pregnant. I so wanted to be in that club with them.

Having said that, A was amazing to me. She is a true blue friend, and I am so lucky to know her. Even though she hasn't been in my shoes, she is so sensitive to my feelings and I know that she comes from a place of compassion and love. Surprisingly, the baby shower was way easier to handle than the dinner! It was fun, and I even got to feel some baby kicks. SO exciting (such a fascinating feeling), and a nice bonding moment for me and A.

I've been thinking so much about IF lately..

Our infertility is nobody's fault. I don't blame anyone for the hand we've been dealt. I understand that the pain I have felt from this is so minor compared to the suffering in this world. Reading the many IF blogs and the tragedies women have been faced with is a humbling experience, and I know that somehow this journey is meant to strengthen us individually and in our marriage, and give us perspective on the sanctity of the life we WILL someday create. Patience and hope are not lost!

Hmmm...wow.

Me (to pregfriend): "Wow, your pregnancy has gone by so fast! I can't believe you are already 71/2 months!!!"

Pregfriend: "Really? To me it has seemed so long. I mean, when the baby is born it will be almost a year that we started trying."

Me: Speechless

2ww: Day 7 (and pregnant bellies)...

I am halfway through my 2ww! Next Friday is my beta, and I am going to exercise will power to NOT take a HPT. I have zero early pregnancy symptoms (not that I expected much by now!), and have been feeling great.

Tonight is A's 30th birthday dinner. Yay! We have been friends since second grade, and I seriously cannot believe we are already 30 (well, I'm ALMOST 30). She is 5 months pregnant, and I haven't seen her bump yet. I am so excited, and I hope I don't get emotional. Other pregnant friend M will be there tonight, and her baby shower is tomorrow. Should be an interesting weekend..!

Praying for strength and unselfish thoughts (you know what I mean?) to get me through this weekend.

Poor Squirrely.

The other night, M and I came across something very strange (and gross) looking on the kitchen floor. We had no idea what it was, but suspected that Charlie or Lola had left us a "gift." So M got down on all fours and sniffed it, as I ran for a paper towel to scoop it up. We held it close, carefully examining it, and speculated that it looked like some sort of cocoon.


All of a sudden, the lightbulb came on! I ran over to Charlie's toy box....and low and behold......I found Squirrely...WITH AN AMPUTATED ARM! Oh man, M and I got a good laugh from this. I was hysterical that we were so afraid of this unknown item, even scooping it up with a paper towel - afraid to touch it - only to have it turn up as poor Squirrely's arm!

Charlie, you never cease to entertain us!

Nice weekend.

We had a great weekend here at home. No barbecues, no parties, just M and me relaxing at home and enjoying each other's company. It was nice to stay here after traveling two weekends in a row.

We were actually quite productive! On Saturday morning we stopped at a local nursery and got inspired to "remodel" Charlie's "bathroom" (a.k.a. our side yard). We had this really awful white rock that not only hurt his paws (it was sharp!), but also was not conducive to easily picking up his treasures. So we replaced it with small, round pebbles (gravel). Saturday afternoon was spent shoveling up the white rock, and then today we put down weed block and spread out the gravel. I think it is a BIG improvement from what we had! Charlie seems a little iffy, but I know he'll adjust.

Charlie, checking out his new digs!

Also this weekend, we bought a new bedroom set! This includes a bed frame, two nightstands and a dresser. Unfortunately, it won't be delivered until August 6, but I really want to paint our bedroom, so this will give me time to get that done.

In other news, I have a tomato growing in my garden! This is the first time I've ever planted tomatoes, so you can imagine my excitement that it's actually working! Yay! I can't wait to eat it!

Can you see it? Isn't it so cute?!

The wait begins.

Our first IUI was a success (so far!). Last night's injection went well, despite the copious amounts of stress accompanying it. We were at the IL's house for FIL's birthday, and I just couldn't relax! M was a pro and I was a wimp..but I survived, and it has served its purpose. It turns out that we have had (as the NP put it) an "optimal" cycle, so of course I am extremely hopeful that we will achieve pregnancy. The IUI itself was quick and relatively painless (I am NOT a fan of the speculum), and we were out of there in less than an hour.

I'm taking it easy today. It's nice to have an excuse to be a lazy bum! Tomorrow I start the progesterone. Oh fun.

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Today, I am grateful for..

My amazing husband, life partner, and best friend.
Increased odds.
Air Conditioning.
Trash television.
My awesome, supportive, caring family.

On the Eve of...

I have been busying myself with many different household projects today in preparation for my "day of rest" tomorrow. I got super crafty this afternoon (a project for a friend), mopped, swept, cleaned mirrors, and rearranged decor. Of course, this was part of my feeble attempt to take my mind off of the IUI. It didn't work very well!

So..I didn't get a surge yesterday or today on my OPK, so we will proceed with the HCG trigger tonight. I have some anxiety about this, as I am squeamish with needles when professionals use them, let alone MY HUSBAND. I asked my mom of she could come and do it (she is a nurse), but she's two hours away and laughed at the suggestion. Who can blame her?!

My appointment is tomorrow at 11:45. I'll update in the afternoon. Yikes!