BFN after BFN (after bfn after bfn after bfn!) usually makes me really sad. By sad, I mean throwing myself on the bed in a ball of tears. Lately, though, I've noticed that I haven't been reacting the same way to my failures. There is an underlying sadness in everything I do, but in many ways I have become numb to the pain that is there everytime AF shows and I fail to become a mother. It's been almost 19 months. I can't help but ask if it will ever happen for us. There is no way we will be able to afford this if it goes on much longer. We are so tapped out.
This past month I was extremely busy preparing for Thanksgiving, so between that, working, and choir rehearsals, I didn't have much time to dwell on my infertility. It was nice. But it was also another of many failures on the TTC front. This new detachment is surprising to me. Me. Not a mother. Not pregnant. Not hopeful.
Everyone is telling me to be positive, and deep inside I know I should be. But I don't know how to do that right now.
