****Friends and family who follow my blog: I need to put this out into the cyberverse as therapy and a way to possibly learn more about my situation (by connecting with fellow IFers). I apologize that I'm not quite prepared to have discussions about it, and hope you aren't offended by this impersonal venue.
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Yesterday was my beta. Here's what happened:
Good news: We had a bean!
Bad news: Our bean didn't stick.
My beta was positive (5 indicates pregnancy and mine was 12) but very low. The RE called to explain to me that this could mean one of two things: either I had a late implantation - a likely scenario based on my trigger and IUI dates - or it is a chemical pregnancy. Our plan was to wait until Tuesday for another beta, or call on Monday to announce AF's arrival.
Guess who showed up this morning?
I had heard about chemical pregnancies (a.k.a. early miscarriages), but didn't know as much as I do now!! Apparently, M's guys made contact with my egg, but something occurred that didn't allow our blastocyst to implant, OR early implantation took place, wherein a sac was formed, but an embryo did not grow. Let me tell you that this is the CLOSEST we have ever been to being pregnant. It is such a relief and blessing to know that we CAN make contact (woo-hoo!), and that the IUIs could quite possibly be our ticket.
So after my initial let-down of seeing AF today, I felt pretty darn good about the fact that we seem to be getting closer to solving this mystery. Unfortunately, that good feeling lasted only until about 5 pm., as the reality of what occurred started to sink in.
It hit me. Like a ton of bricks.
I was in the shower, and all of a sudden started thinking about WHY this happened. Did I do something wrong? I went over this past week with a fine-toothed comb. Should I not have had a glass of wine the other night? I'm taking progesterone, so shouldn't my uterus be all nice and spongy and ready for baby to implant?
Will this happen again??
After a nice cathartic cry, I have come to the conclusion that it's way better to see the silver lining (although I'm more involved in looking at my uterine lining right now ;), than beat myself up with questions and what-ifs.
This event is a blessing, and I'm grateful for the strength to keep going.
I experienced that on my last cycle. My beta was 5.7. Sucks.
ReplyDeleteMy doctor believes that once there's implantation, it's out of your hands. (well, with an IVF he believes once the transfer is over it's out of your hands.) I'm sure it was nothing you did.
Remember, in a "normal" cycle with all systems go and all conditions ideal, there is still only a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant. With ART it's a little higher, but not much. Even with my 2 lovely 8 cell embryos transferred, I still only had a 40% chance of getting pregnant.
Keeping fingers crossed for your next cycle!
i'm so so sorry :( i can't imagine the excitement and then the huge letdown... i hope you never have to deal with that again and that the next IUI is IT for you!!! and please don't beat yourself up! i know it's only natural, but there was NOTHING you could do to prevent what happened and NOTHING you did do that could have caused it. hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry {{{hugs}}} I can't imagine how disappointed you are right now. Although it does seem like it would be easier if you never had the BFP, it's wonderful to know that DH's boys and your girls can get together! That's one less IF hurdle! You're doing all the right things, keep hangin' on!
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