The Roller Coaster is slowing down....and I'm ready to get off!

I haven't posted here in over a week. It has been a crazy week of ups and downs, but our roller coaster is slowing, and I'm so ready to get off. I hope I can adequately explain what has been happening.

So...the last I told you is that our 2nd beta increased - but not appropriately - which meant I couldn't start a new cycle, and I was at risk for ectopic pregnancy. Well, well, well. I went in for a 3rd beta ( Wednesday - 48 hours later), and the number had increased to 53 (a more than adequate growth). The NP called me and said that she suspected I was pregnant. She went on to explain that such an increase indicated a blood supply, but that we should continue to monitor hCG levels to see what was my little bean was going to show us next!

So Friday rolls around, and the 4th beta is 118. This is another awesome increase, so I'm thinking that she might actually be correct. We start letting ourselves believe that we are going to be parents and proceed to tell a few close friends and family members. Excitement ensues.

I went in for beta #5 on Tuesday (two days ago), and the number had grown to 297, but this was not quite enough of a 4-day percentage growth as we would have liked to see. I was let down, but still had hope that it could just be a slow-growing bean.

I had hope.

Until today. Beta #6 was 386. Definitely not enough to indicate viable pregnancy. More so, likely evidence of ectopic. The doctor called this afternoon to discuss our options.

First, we have decided to do a D&C (tomorrow morning) to check the uterus for any pregnancy tissue. If that comes back positive, we wait for hCG levels to drop, sit out a cycle, and start again with IUI #2.

If the D&C comes back negative for pregnancy tissue, I am given a shot of Methotrexate to kill the bean growing in my fallopian tube (or elsewhere, I guess). Methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug, but has proven itself useful in aborting ectopic pregnancies. My mom (who is a nurse) says it's called a "therapeutic abortion." I then have to wait 2 more cycles before trying again. Uggh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (and crying) and analyzing (and crying) about our journey and the experience of IFers in general. What's surprising to me in this ordeal is that the joy I had in thinking I was pregnant was a strange kind. It was accompanied by a feeling of guilt and apprehension. I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it...like I hadn't experienced enough pain in my TTC journey. It was weird to me that I would get pregnant, and I really didn't believe it to be possible. Is this what IF does to us? Does it mar our experience so much that when we actually become pregnant (viable or not), we are so cautious and guarded about letting ourselves feel joy?

So..when they say "roller coaster of emotions," this experience doesn't even begin to compare with the ups and downs of a normal roller coaster. This has been a scary coaster - the kind that once you get on, you immediately regret it and desperately want it to stop. I'm grateful for an answer - some sort of diagnosis - either way because I was in limbo for a long time. and I just want to get back to my naive and blissful TTC with hope and faith that it will happen for us.

Someday.