BFN after BFN (after bfn after bfn after bfn!) usually makes me really sad. By sad, I mean throwing myself on the bed in a ball of tears. Lately, though, I've noticed that I haven't been reacting the same way to my failures. There is an underlying sadness in everything I do, but in many ways I have become numb to the pain that is there everytime AF shows and I fail to become a mother. It's been almost 19 months. I can't help but ask if it will ever happen for us. There is no way we will be able to afford this if it goes on much longer. We are so tapped out.
This past month I was extremely busy preparing for Thanksgiving, so between that, working, and choir rehearsals, I didn't have much time to dwell on my infertility. It was nice. But it was also another of many failures on the TTC front. This new detachment is surprising to me. Me. Not a mother. Not pregnant. Not hopeful.
Everyone is telling me to be positive, and deep inside I know I should be. But I don't know how to do that right now.
It is so hard to be positive after 19 months...I am in the same boat. I tried to put on a happy face for so long and then it caught up with me. Sometimes you just have to get the sadness out and stop pretending you are OK. It's normal to feel defeated. I hope it gets better for you soon!!
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm so sorry:( It's so hard to be positive...especially during the holidays when everything revolves around children. A BFN is like experiencing a death in the family over and over and over again. It really starts to take a toll on you.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, you can always come here to vent and have someone to talk to. I think the best thing for me has been the fact that I have so many wonderful women on here to talk to because we are all in the same shoes. We gotta stick together:) It's great therapy. I'm here if you ever need to talk...hope you get to feeling better soon.
I'm sorry, I know exactly where you're coming from. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I only know you have to let yourself feel what you feel. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I'm feeling too. "underlying sadness", "numb", "so tapped out"...
ReplyDeleteIt. sucks.
While I think it's important to be hopeful and positive, I also think it's paramount to grieve. What we're going through is so taxing, people who haven't been there just don't get it... Please take all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteI know it's scary, and the closer you get to that two year mark the harder it becomes to see yourselves as parents. And the fact that all this costs so much is just insult to injury. If our next cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a break, because we've maxed out our credit card... It F'ing sucks.
I know the numbness you're speaking of all too well, and I'm so sorry you're there right now. Please know I'm thinking of you.
Hugs.
Bloggyme027 at gmail.com if you ever need to talk.
Just found your blog! Numbness is a great way to describe that feeling so many of us know all too well. Melissa's comment is perfect and eloquent. Hope and positive thoughts are great, but sometimes we need to be present in the sadness, too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...
I'm definitely there with ya! I'm to the point where I'm no longer sad, numb ... but angry and confused. It's a rough road and journey to be on ... because we don't know the outcome or what lies ahead. I just have to say that it's perfectly normal and ok to feel this way, believe me I go back and forth like a yo-yo!
ReplyDeleteSending prayers and positive thoughts your way!!
It is really tough sometimes to be positive :) I am positive more often than not, and although it seems like the better mood to "choose", it is still no walk in the park! Christmas is a hard to be empty-armed. I'll add you to my prayers!
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