The In-Between

Over the past year I have read many Infertility-turned-Pregnancy Blogs, so I've had some idea of what emotions to expect in this new phase. I've read about guilt: "why me when there are so many others who are suffering and have been through much worse?" I've read about the questioning: "when can I truly be happy about this pregnancy and forget the fears of miscarriage that IF brings?" I've been able to relate to all of these emotions. But the one I never understood was the impatience: "why is it so hard to wait for ultrasounds, appointments, confirmations, etc.?"

Until now.

As an infertile, I never understood the impatience of many pregnant infertiles..the complaints about time moving slowly between appointments, always wondering if the baby was still alive and well, and other feelings of "when is this going to happen?" I always muttered to myself, "JUST BE THANKFUL YOU"RE PREGNANT!!!!"
Now that I am "on the other side," I have a completely different perspective.

I was EXTREMELY SPOILED in weeks 7, 8, and 9 of my pregnancy. I got to see Elfie once a week and it gave me the confirmation I needed that all was fine and that I really was pregnant. When I went to the OB last week I was not expecting an ultrasound; in fact, I might have actually turned it down had he offered because I've been reading a few things about what the fetus actually experiences...and wanted to start limiting the exposure.

What I wasn't expecting, however, is this feeling of maybe I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't really have any justified reason for feeling this way. My boobs are still sore, I am hungry all the time, I sleep like it's going out of style, I'm a urinating fool, and I haven't had any more bleeding or spotting. I even get nauseated at night still.

BUT.

I'm not showing yet, and some of the bloatedness of the first 10 weeks is dissipating. Sometimes I wake up and just don't "feel" pregnant. I have a slight rounding of the abdomen, but in the mornings it is so small that I wonder if something happened. Logically, I know that I shouldn't have a bump yet, especially since Dr. D showed me where my ute is, and it is still deep down in my lower abdomen.

I think what's getting me is that I have to wait 3 more weeks for an appointment. I know that this is not a super long time to wait. I know that in the big picture, this is nothing. Since I have all these impatient, questioning feelings, it is making the wait excruciating.

You'd think that someone who waited 20 months to even become pregnant would have a better head on her shoulders about such a thing. Wow. What have I become?!

I know some of you are rolling your eyes..but I promised myself I'd write openly and honestly about this adventure, and this has been on mind a lot lately.