I love Halloween. I think my earliest memories of this holiday are accompanied with feelings of warmth, happiness, and joy. As a child, the sheer excitement of dressing up and receiving FREE candy was enough to do it for me. As I grew, I realized all of the other details that made it special: my mom baked cookies or some other special treat and make hot chocolate for when we returned; pumpkins seeds were always roasting in the oven; and there was always a feeling of togetherness between family and friends.
When I was in college, I remember the first Halloween in which I roasted the pumpkin seeds, baked the cookies, and got to open the door for the kids in costume. It was a neat feeling to be carrying on the tradition.
M and I now live in a neighborhood that gets a good amount of trick-or-treaters. This is our second Halloween in our house, and I have carried on my favorite traditions from childhood here as well. Last year I passed out the candy to the kids. I was sad at that time that we hadn't been successful, bit I still had a hopeful anticipation that this year we'd be taking our precious little one around the neighborhood. Or at least we'd be celebrating with our baby.
I was not sad this year. I put up the decorations, we carved the pumpkins, I baked the cookies, roasted the seeds, and made the hot chocolate. I answered the door, saw a lot of really cute kids (and some not-so-cute teenagers)......and then the babies came.
In a span of a half-hour we had approximately 5 different families with adorable babies. I was fine with the first one..did the appropriate ooh-ing and cooing at the little boy dressed as a lion. I even remarked to M on how cute he was. The second time I was not so lucky. It was a little baby girl dressed as a bumble bee. I gave her mom the candy, and as I shut the door I broke down. Sobbing. M came to the rescue and answered the rest of the torturous doorbell rings. I think we were both surprised at this emotion. I've been doing so well.
I am cautious of any hope for next year. I'm afraid to let any happy anticipation in...it seems to make the disappointment much more bitter. I hate that I am so jaded. I LOVE children with a passion (Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?)...and I never thought in a million years there would be this sadness on a most-loved holiday.
Ugh, it doesn't seem to matter what the current holiday might be, there is always something that makes me realize that we're still alone - and still a family of two...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this holiday snuck up on you. I think it's great that you continue to carry on your Mom's traditions. I do the same. And I'm glad that M was there to rescue you.
Hang in there.
I am sorry that sudden sadness crept up on you. I was sad on Halloween, because I too thought I would have a baby or at least be VERY pregnant. I hate the constant disappoint and sadness that infertility brings into our lives. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI know we're in the same boat- I thought I'd still be pregnant for this Halloween. Should have been 10 weeks... Last year I broke down from the cute babies, but I held it together this year. I think I was too angry to cry.
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya, Amber. Had my little bean found its way to my uterus, I would have been 20 weeks. I know it doesn't help to try to imagine what might've been, but sometimes we can't help but go there.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry you had a hard time this year. IF seems to always be worse right around holidays, it's just so unfair. I hope you feel better really soon.
ReplyDelete"Hello? I'm a teacher? And I'm getting a little tired of loving everyone else's kids?"
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister. Especially the ones who don't seem to have time for their kids, but expect me to drop everything for them.
The toddlers get me more than the babies to tell you the truth. The little girls in their princess dresses and the boys in their pirate and super hero costumes... :(
I have to agree with you Just Me! Seeing the toddlers are what get to me most. I don't know why either?
ReplyDeleteP.S. - I'm also a teacher and find it disgusting how some of these kids have it at home. Why are some people allowed to have kids? I think there should be some sort of license. I mean seriously! You need to be 17 to drive legally, 21 to drink, 18 to join the army ... but any idiot can have a kid. Makes me dizzy just thinking about it!