I hate Clomid.

This month is my third try with clomid, although it's our first experience with IUI. The lower dosage is definitely better, but I am still getting hot flashes and mood swings. I had such a wonderful, relaxing day today, but I found myself crying tonight for no apparent reason! And now I'm fine. It's almost as if the clomid just makes you want to get the tears out and over with. I've heard the injectables are even worse! M was very sweet and understanding tonight. He just hugged and hugged me, and that made me feel a lot better. I know he doesn't have same intensity in his emotions about IF as I do, but I also know he does have sadness and a strong desire for our child to be conceived!

Tomorrow we leave for a long weekend road trip. I am very much looking forward to a change of scenery, and to get our on the open road with my hubby and puppy. We will be visiting my brother, M's brother and SIL, and other various friends. When we come back, I have an ultrasound to monitor the growth and size of my follies. I'm looking forward to this, as it puts us that much closer to the O date!

Cautiously Optimistic.

I went in for my ultrasound this morning, and saw that the cysts had almost completely resolved. There were a few small ones, but nothing of great concern. So we are going ahead with our plan of action! IUI #1 will take place next week sometime! I am guardedly excited, and cautiously optimistic...keeping fingers and toes crossed!

Not sure what to think.

M and I just returned from a fantastic weekend of wine tasting and visiting with family. Yesterday, I awoke to a drastically dropped temperature, so in my packing frenzy, I grabbed a handful of tampons to make sure I'd be okay for the trip. Sure enough, AF reared her ugly head into my beautiful Sunday morning. I was expecting to be excited to see AF this month, since this is supposed to be IUI attempt #1; however, I'm so conflicted, of course, because I am overthinking and anyalyzing everything right now!

My RE said I'm supposed to come in for a baseline ultrasound on CD 2 (tomorrow), and then start clomid on CDs 2-6. I'm pretty nervous that when I call in the morning they are going to tell me that since my cycle was so short (18 days!), it wasn't enough time for the cysts to dissipate, so I'll need to wait through another cycle. I'm praying this will not be the case, but am preparing myself for it all the same. In the case that they tell me to come in for the ultrasound and then find that the coast is clear, then I get to start the IUI protocol! Which means it's a mere two weeks until the big procedure! But...I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much!

Friday! Summer is here!

I love the last day of school! I'm always more exhausted on this day, even though it's usually early release for the kids. I have to clean the classroom and tear down bulletin boards. And I'm also emotionally drained because I have to say bye to my students! Even on the worst days, they are just children, and I adore them.

M surprised me with a "last-day-of-school-gift" this morning! He got up at o-dark hundred to stand in line at the Apple Store in anticipation of the new iphone 3G S. He was SUPPOSED to just get one for him (we both have the iphone 3G!!), but when I was pulling away from Starbucks on my way to school, he pulled up next to me with my new phone! Yay! What a good guy he is...!

We are packing and cleaning for a trip to see my parents for Father's Day. I love weekend trips. AND I get to see my brother tomorrow!!!! Reggie and Jack, look out...your weekend is about to get a bit more "energetic"!

Movie.

There's an ad for a new movie that has been playing over and over again. The movie is "My Sister's Keeper" with Abigail Breslin and Cameron Diaz. In the trailer, Abigail character begins with, "Most babies are accidents.."

I beg to differ.

************************************

Today, I am grateful for..

The last week of school.
Peace and quiet this evening while M is out.
My friend A who sent me an extremely thoughtful email.
My brother's excitement about his new dog.
New kitchen gadgets (yay Pampered Chef!)
Love. Hope. Patience.

Calculations.

Since I O'd very early in my cycle (FF actually set it as last Thursday CD 8), I am calculating that if my LP is still the same length (which it shoud be b/c I'm not taking progesterone this month), this will be a much shorter cycle than anticipated. Therefore, our SoCal plans will be on hold for the time being. I reread the plan of treatment from the RE, and it looks like we are going to need to stick around for a few weeks, at least until the IUI is completed. Small sacrifices, big reward.

What did I say about making plans? Geesh!

Plans.

It's striking to me that although I make plans for a living (literally!), I've had to rearrange plans in my personal life for over a year now. We have a bedroom upstairs that I planned to be baby's room since the day we made the offer on our house. Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I wanted it to be the other upstairs room that M wanted for his office. He won...and it's a good thing, since there's no baby to occupy that room now - and we've been in our house for a year! But it's there, and it's not holding anthing I planned it to!

It used to be that I would hold off on buying regular clothes because I thought that I'd be needing maternity clothes in the near future. It was always in the back of my mind. I have given up on that plan for awhile!

I went in that room the other day. We have a queen bed in there that is used when we have more that one couple visiting (there's a real guest room downstairs). Also in there is everything I've collected for baby since we began TTC. It's not much, but when I think about how long it's been sitting there, I get a little sad. Last May, my SIL gave us her kids' baby furniture (crib and bassinet), so it's in there, disassembled and pathetic looking. In addition, last June my brother went to Paris and brought us back a onesie that says Paris on it. I had told him not long before that we were starting to try, and it was such a sweet gesture for him to think of us as parents while he was there. I remember the elation of seeing how small and sweet-looking it is, and thinking, "I'm going to be a mom!" Of course, I thought it would be much sooner than now.

I keep that door closed. While we are busy planning for the rest of the house..."What color to paint the bedroom? The office? How much would new floors cost? Should we extend our backyard patio?"..We haven't had one discussion about what to do with that room. In my head, I've pictured different decorations and colors (and of course every time I'm in a store I take small detours to the infant section), but it's never been something we actually plan to do until we see those two glorious pink lines. I think it's better this way. Even just going in there and seeing the few items we have is a hard reminder...so we'll celebrate when we know it's real and happening for us. Until then, we'll just keep making other plans.