The day in which the world stopped...and started again.

At 4 pm today I started spotting. Being the irrational, emotional, hormonal person that I am lately, this sent me into a tailspin. Tears came immediately, as I KNEW in my heart that this must be the end (because, apparently I'm a doctor now).

I called the RE and she told me to come in so I could see the heartbeat and be assured that the spotting was caused by prolonged use of the suppositories. I was a wreck. M drove us there, and I was a crying zombie the entire ride there.

Once we were in the room, I said a few prayers (ha, they were desperate pleas!) to God, and shortly thereafter was given the best news I have received since this pregnancy started.

Baby not only continues to have a strong (151 bpm) heartbeat, we got to HEAR it today. He/she has doubled in size and is measuring 2 days ahead of schedule at 8w5d. I attribute this to the high probability that this poor child has inherited his or her father's head...which is famously over-sized. The kicker in this whole crazy day was that we got to see baby MOVE! It was twitching! Talk about the craziest thing I've ever seen!!!!!

So...what could have been the worst day in my 30 years turned out to be a day with a bonus u/s with tears of happiness and relief in the end. I know we are not cleared yet. We never will be! But for this small victory, I am most appreciative. Thank you, God.

Wonderful Day

M and I laid eyes on our future child for the first time today. We saw the cute little blob on the screen, and for the 2 seconds between that and seeing the flickering heartbeat, I forgot to breathe. It was the most amazing, moving sight.

And the tears came. And came...I didn't hear a word anyone else said the rest of the time because I just couldn't get over the feeling of seeing a living thing in my body.

We will go back in two weeks and hopefully hear the heartbeat.

This is so surreal. Pinch me, it feels like I'm dreaming.

Telling friends.

So...this weekend we stayed with 2 other couples at a cabin in Tahoe. It was awesome, although I couldn't snowboard...so that limited some of the activity. Before we went, M and I decided that it might be impossible to NOT tell them because I wouldn't be drinking, and with this crowd that's just downright unacceptable (unless you're pregnant!). As anticipated, about a half-hour into the day, my friend started making comments...which of course led us to confirm it. Everyone was so excited, as they know what we've been through in the past 20 months. It was a good feeling...but I couldn't help the nagging feeling of "what if..".

Today I am 6w4d and am getting sicker as the days go by. More nausea, a little barf thrown in, and some mean headaches (in combination with the constant drowsiness) make me feel like a zombie. I know that it's all normal, though, and am just praying that we see a living embryo at the ultrasound next Monday.

The magical 6 weeks.

So...having been lucky with my first two weeks of pregnancy as far as horrible symptoms go, I wondered if I would get the dreaded 6 weeks nausea.

Woke up this morning sick. Really faint, and really low blood sugar. I drank some OJ and then promptly puked it up. I felt this way on and off until about 12 p.m., at which point I got a pretty severe headache. I waited to see if the headache would resolve itself, but by 4 p.m. decided that it was time for ty.lenol. My first pregnancy medicine. Yikes!

I still have sore tatas, I've been peeing without abandon and am hungry. All. The. Time. Even when I go to bed, I fall asleep with my tummy grumbling. I know that a lot of that can be attributed to the progesterone suppositories...but if they are keeping me pregnant, then bring 'em on!!

Ultrasound in a week and 4 days. Yay!

2009.

It's the time of year that we are all reflecting on the past and looking to the future. Looking back over my year, I have such a mix of emotions and memories. I am very glad that today is the last day of 2009.

When this year started, I had such high hopes for a better year since 7 months of 2008 were spent in ttc disappointment, sadness, and frustration. 11 months of 2009 absolutely sucked. I was a hormonal, bitter infertile for so many of those months...and of course the ectopic put the icing on the cake. Lameness personified.

The last few weeks of 2009 have been better than any other, but I can't say that I'm experiencing sheer bliss. I am guarded.

I am choosing to be optimistic about this because I know that it's the best thing for my general health right now. I am focused on being stress and worry free, but I haven't let the happiness in like I imagine many fertile women do in the first few weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, but not giddy. Just cautiously hopeful!

I, like many of you, am anticipating a better year in 2010. Even if portions of it are less than perfect, I think that overall this will be a much needed improvement.

I'm thinking of you all, no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you, sincerely, for being an amazing support system to me this year. You've made me feel so less alone in this unfair struggle.

Happy New Year!

Wow!

NP just called. Today's beta is 1,253.

Ultrasound in 3 weeks on January 18. Oh, how I am praying for this one to stick around.

Wow. I'm speechless.

(and I'm including the chart for reference):

Hard to Believe.

I am still finding myself in a state of disbelief about being pregnant. I find it very difficult to say the word and actually believe that it's me I'm talking about! I've spent the last year and 7 months wanting this, but now have trouble accepting that it's my time. I think the ectopic really messed me up in that way.

Right now, the symptoms are few..I've had a few gagging episodes, and "the girls" are bigger and more sore than they've ever been. I also occasionally get a few distinct twinges/dull cramps in my uterine region. Oh yeah, and I'm 5 days late for AF (no complaints here!). Comparatively, this seems much more "normal" than the last time I saw those two pink lines.

When my NP called last Wednesday to give me the beta score, I asked when they wanted to see me again for the next beta. She replied by explaining that they don't need to see me again! I was dumbfounded, and then proceeded to beg for another blood draw. I know that I'm just not going to be convinced by two betas.

I go in at 8:30 tomorrow. I'll post results when I have them!