Thank You!

A heartfelt thanks to Heartincharge at Lily in the Valley for the Beautiful Blogger award! I started blogging with the hope of connecting with people who understood my feelings of despair. Heartincharge recently had an ectopic pregnancy, and found my blog and my experience with such heartbreak to be a comfort to her. I feel incredibly grateful to be able to have impacted someone in the way so many of you have impacted me.




The instructions for this award are:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
* Link the person who nominated you for this award.
* Copy the award and place it in your blog
* Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself
* Nominate 7 bloggers and post links to their blogs.

So here goes...

1. M and I met online. I was 25 and dating, but couldn't seem to find the "right fit." My mom came for a visit and encouraged me to try the online route. I was hesitant, but had a friend who had recently met a great guy on the same website (they are married with a baby now!), so I gave it a try. One week after I posted my profile I met M. We exchanged a few emails and decided to meet for coffee at St.arbuc.ks. He was the first guy I met on that website, and boy did I hit the jackpot! I love telling our story...in fact, a year and a half later he popped the question at that same Sta.rbuc.ks!!

2. I am a classically trained singer. I was a voice major in college, and although it didn't lead me to a career in opera singing (I decided I wasn't interested in such a lifestyle), I enjoy singing with lots of different groups today and hope to pass on my love of music to Elfie.

3. I am a B.ache.lor junkie. I've watched every season except one, and am so addicted it's embarrassing. I realize that the show isn't even real, but there is something about it that reels me in and hooks me every time!

4. I have a weird, unnecessary talent of folding my tongue into thirds. Another trait I hope to pass on to little Elfie. I am not going to include a picture of myself doing it, but I found one that depicts it just perfectly:



5. I hate grocery shopping, but loooove having a house full of fresh produce and yummy treats. This becomes complicated at times.

6. I was a part-time nanny in college and a full-time nanny while I went to evening classes for my teaching credential. The kids I cared for were quite young. This, I think (I hope!), gives me a little more of a realistic view of how my life is going to change in 6 months.

7. I hate mushrooms. Don't want anything to do with putting fungus in my mouth. My husband thinks this is ridiculous, and I've tried to like them. Don't see that happening any time soon.

I nominate...(and yes, I'm cheating because some of my favorite bloggers have already received the award!)...these following 5 special ladies:

1. Andi at raising avery. She's not only a beautiful blogger, but a beautiful friend. She is now raising and writing about her beautiful first child.

2. Amber at Our Stork isn't Great with Directions. Amber was one of the first bloggers I met when I started my blog back in June. Our IF journeys started at the same time, and she is now a week ahead of me in her pregnancy. A very sweet, deserving beautiful blogger.

3. Al at Mission:Motherhood. Al recently experienced a devastating miscarriage, and has written so beautifully and honestly about her heartbreak. She is definitely a beautiful blogger in my eyes.

4. Jessica at Dreams of a Baby. Jessica has been through a lot of heartbreak on the ttc front, and to top it off she recently lost her dad. The rainbow is starting to show through though, as she and her hubby are about to begin their first IVF cycle. I couldn't be happier for this beautiful blogger.

5. Lin at Our Someday Family. Lin got a surprise BFP in December, and is keeping us all up to date with "beaker's" latest developments. She is definitely deserving of this award, as she has kept me positive about my own pregnancy during the freaky first trimester.

Blessed.

I was walking with my dear pooch today and some Elton John came on my shuffle. This Elton John, which promptly made me start crying. I love these lyrics:

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Right now, I'm blessed.

The In-Between

Over the past year I have read many Infertility-turned-Pregnancy Blogs, so I've had some idea of what emotions to expect in this new phase. I've read about guilt: "why me when there are so many others who are suffering and have been through much worse?" I've read about the questioning: "when can I truly be happy about this pregnancy and forget the fears of miscarriage that IF brings?" I've been able to relate to all of these emotions. But the one I never understood was the impatience: "why is it so hard to wait for ultrasounds, appointments, confirmations, etc.?"

Until now.

As an infertile, I never understood the impatience of many pregnant infertiles..the complaints about time moving slowly between appointments, always wondering if the baby was still alive and well, and other feelings of "when is this going to happen?" I always muttered to myself, "JUST BE THANKFUL YOU"RE PREGNANT!!!!"
Now that I am "on the other side," I have a completely different perspective.

I was EXTREMELY SPOILED in weeks 7, 8, and 9 of my pregnancy. I got to see Elfie once a week and it gave me the confirmation I needed that all was fine and that I really was pregnant. When I went to the OB last week I was not expecting an ultrasound; in fact, I might have actually turned it down had he offered because I've been reading a few things about what the fetus actually experiences...and wanted to start limiting the exposure.

What I wasn't expecting, however, is this feeling of maybe I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't really have any justified reason for feeling this way. My boobs are still sore, I am hungry all the time, I sleep like it's going out of style, I'm a urinating fool, and I haven't had any more bleeding or spotting. I even get nauseated at night still.

BUT.

I'm not showing yet, and some of the bloatedness of the first 10 weeks is dissipating. Sometimes I wake up and just don't "feel" pregnant. I have a slight rounding of the abdomen, but in the mornings it is so small that I wonder if something happened. Logically, I know that I shouldn't have a bump yet, especially since Dr. D showed me where my ute is, and it is still deep down in my lower abdomen.

I think what's getting me is that I have to wait 3 more weeks for an appointment. I know that this is not a super long time to wait. I know that in the big picture, this is nothing. Since I have all these impatient, questioning feelings, it is making the wait excruciating.

You'd think that someone who waited 20 months to even become pregnant would have a better head on her shoulders about such a thing. Wow. What have I become?!

I know some of you are rolling your eyes..but I promised myself I'd write openly and honestly about this adventure, and this has been on mind a lot lately.

The New OB (Part 2)

Today went really well! I am pleased to say that I like the new OB (Dr. D) very much. He is very friendly, honest, and gentle. I definitely got a great vibe from him and feel confident trusting him with the next 6.5 months of my and Elfie's life!

The appointment started off with Q&A...he asked a lot of questions and then told me that he wants nothing more than to be able to answer any and all of my questions. He wasn't kidding! As I rattled of my list of questions, after answering each one he said, "And what else?" It was a genuine, sincere desire on his part to want to keep me informed. I was very impressed. Dr. D also told me that I will see him at every appointment. It's nice to know that I won't be dealing with NPs or nurses and that I get to see the "real deal" every time! The exception to this is if my appointment is on one of his on-call days and he has to run out to deliver a baby, I have the option of keeping the appointment and seeing one of his partners or rescheduling with him.

He went into quite a bit of detail concerning all the testing we can do for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18. M and I have been talking about it recently as I am aware that they do the NT scan between 11 and 13 weeks. Dr. D emphasized that we are not high-risk as I am newly 30. I told him we have already decided that we don't want any testing done. We both know that finding out wouldn't change our course of action..and that we'd love a child with challenges the same as any other.

After our Q&A session I had to put a FULL BODY gown on (I guess my days of bottoms off only are over...), and he came back in with the speculum.

That's when my eyes got big and all I could think was, Don't make my cervix mad!!!!! He checked my cervix and found it to be "looking perfect," and then palpated my uterus. Apparently it is roughly the size of a grapefruit now. The appointment was then essentially over, as he was called out to catch a baby!

I scheduled my next appointment in four weeks (I will be 14w4d) He said by this point we will be able to hear Elfie's hb on the doppler. VERY much looking forward to that!

The New OB (Part 1)

Tomorrow is my first OB appointment and I'm excited with a bit of apprehension. I am looking forward to meeting this man who could potentially deliver my first baby! My RE recommended him, and he has gotten great reviews online. This makes me feel better! Unfortunately his office is on the other end of town (which, I am aware, is not THAT big of a deal...just saying). I have been advised that it is okay to go with my gut feeling if I don't care for him. One of my friends says she regrets not trusting her instinct and trying out another OB.

Additionally, I am not really sure what to expect at this appointment. The visits to the RE were so predictable, and I always felt so comfortable there...This new unknown office is a bit intimidating to me. I have a list of questions to ask him, so hopefully he's a patient man who can take my inquisitive nature with a grain of salt. Lord knows there will be plenty more questions and concerns to come..

I'll update Part 2 tomorrow after the appointment!

Gratitude...it's been too long!

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Perspective. As I am beginning to experience some pregnancy-related inconveniences...like not being able to sleep on my tummy anymore....I am reminded how small a thing it is compared to the Big Picture.

2. My amazing hubby. The past few weeks I have started noticing subtle changes in his patience, demeanor, and attitude toward me. This is not to say that he's normally rude or un-caring, but I've seen a change in his willingness to care for and nurture me. This is so incredibly wonderful right now since my exhaustion and nausea must be tiresome to him.

3. My good friend A. Some of you may remember that she was the pregnant friend who was so incredibly kind to me during my infertile period. She never gave unwanted cliche advice and never told me I shouldn't feel angry or sad. She simply listened to me, and I loved being able to share my feelings with her. Now that she has had her gorgeous baby girl, she is a source of advice, love, and support for me in my pregnancy.

4. My little Elfie. Yes, that's right. M and I named our (then embryo, now fetus) little one Elfie. We wanted something Christmasy since we got our BFP 5 days before Christmas, and prefer to think of it as if Santa's Elves played a part in helping our dream come true. So Elfie it is. I marvel everyday at the life growing inside of me. It is still so surreal, and my love is already infinite.

Progesterone, Facebook, and Sensitivity.

I forgot to mention on Monday that the RE told me I could stop the progesterone suppositories. Obviously, from a spotting/irritated cervix position, I was elated. Apparently the placenta is developed enough to carry on the hormone production, but it still makes me a bit nervous. Because I have a LP defect, I am on edge a bit not knowing how much that extra progesterone was helping to sustain the pregnancy. So of course I am the obsessive TP checker (even more so than usual if you can believe that). So far, so good. Maybe these doctors know what they're talking about after all?

In other news, a friend of mine from college just announced her pregnancy in FB last night. She is 14 weeks along and just heard the heartbeat for the first time. The infertiles reading this know that can only mean that she got pregnant without ART...so even though I am pregnant, and just a mere 4 weeks behind her, I can't help but have those old feelings that IF brings. It doesn't change once you get pregnant, people.

On the same note, I have decided that I will not be announcing anything pregnancy-related on FB. I figure that the people I am close to will know through a phone call or in person, and those I knew years ago in HS but haven't really had much contact with over the years don't necessarily need an announcement. Also, I'd like to consider myself a more sensitive person since experiencing infertility, and don't want any of my friends (who knows, there might be a few out there experiencing the hell I went through) to have to hear my announcement that way. I will always remember how much it sucks.