I have a gray hair!

Goodness gracious..I know I've been through some stress lately, but am I really at the verge of "going gray"? The big 3-0 is looming, and I certainly don't need gray hair to help me make the transition to my fourth decade.

It might be hard for you to see...I had to get a second opinion from M last night to make sure it wasn't all in my head (pun intended!). In this pic it's on the right side of the picture.

Gratitude and my amazing friend.

Today, I am grateful for...

1. Recognition for my blog (yay!)
2. A nice lunch with my Aunt and Uncle (who live in a city far, far, away)
3. My hard working, diligent husband
4. Backyard play time with the pooch.
5. My mind being put at ease about ectopic rupture.
6. All my new creations.

And last, but not least..........

My fabulous friend E sent me a care package today. She packed it full of so many goodies! Books, candy, jewelry, and (best of all) a heartfelt note of sympathy and encouragement. She literally made my MONTH. I was so overwhelmed by this sweet gesture and I'm honored to be her friend. Thank you, E. Today I am most grateful for our friendship.

My first award.

I'd like to start by saying how amazing this community has been to me over the past few months since I started blogging. Tapping into this network of strong, courageous, honest, REAL women who write so beautifully about their lives has inspired and challenged me to find the good in my own experiences. I so lucky to have found all of you, and I'm honored to be web friends with you!

Having said that, I got my first award!

Melissa just bestowed this honor upon me, and I am absolutely thrilled. The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm cheating and posting my top eight (I had a few more, but they've already been awarded by other people!!!!).

A huge "thank you" to Melissa, and of course to these lovely ladies who keep me entertained (and inspired!) every day:
1. You Call Me a Bitch like it's a Bad Thing
2. No One Ever Told Me it Would Be This Hard
3. Our Stork Isn't Great with Directions
4. Baby, Interrupted
5. Babies Everywhere...But none that Call me Mama
6. Scarlet Baby
7. We're Expecting!

Congrats and thanks so much ladies, you are all so wonderful and I wish nothing but the best for all of you!!!

I'm leaving Facebook.

I seriously cannot handle this.

I check FB every one in awhile to see what's happening with my friends. I think I told you that recently I had two pregnancy announcements on there that put a sour taste in my mouth and got me thinking about a FB divorce.

Today is the deciding factor.

My college roommate (who has 3 beautiful children and has been easily reproducing since we graduated) just posted an ultrasound pic of her TWINS. No, these are not A.R.T. twins, these are "oops, I'm so fertile that I released two eggs on my own" twins (Or, my extremely fertile egg split in two). She only wanted one more, and she is getting two. I just want one, and I can't seem to get any!

One of the other friends who recently announced her pregnancy is now complaining she can't be as active as she was before. She has two other children. Another friend is trying to get her friends to review different baby products and get advice through her FB posts. This will be her second child.

Oh, the injustice, as I sit here healing from my first nonviable pregnancy.

I needed this rant. Thanks for listening.

Diagnosis: Ectopic.

So.

I had my D&C on Friday, and all went well considering the anesthesia and pain meds made me unaware of most of it! Thankfully M's family helped us a lot with meals, etc. They were real life savers.

I got the call Friday afternoon that pathology had not found any pregnancy tissue in my uterus.

I went in Saturday morning for my methotrexate injections. They were not bad - barely hurt at all - and I haven't (so far) had any adverse side effects or reactions. I will continue to be monitored this week to make sure that the hCG levels decrease. Oh goody. More needles. My arms are already so bruised from being poked every 48 hours!

The worst part of the hCG is that I can't have any alcohol or leafy greens (because they contain folic acid). FOR TWO WEEKS. We went to IN-N-OUT last night for dinner and I had to ask for no lettuce on my hamburger!! WTF?! And seriously, I can give up wine if I'm pregnant, but not if I'm NOT pregnant! This is the time I need it the most!

The Roller Coaster is slowing down....and I'm ready to get off!

I haven't posted here in over a week. It has been a crazy week of ups and downs, but our roller coaster is slowing, and I'm so ready to get off. I hope I can adequately explain what has been happening.

So...the last I told you is that our 2nd beta increased - but not appropriately - which meant I couldn't start a new cycle, and I was at risk for ectopic pregnancy. Well, well, well. I went in for a 3rd beta ( Wednesday - 48 hours later), and the number had increased to 53 (a more than adequate growth). The NP called me and said that she suspected I was pregnant. She went on to explain that such an increase indicated a blood supply, but that we should continue to monitor hCG levels to see what was my little bean was going to show us next!

So Friday rolls around, and the 4th beta is 118. This is another awesome increase, so I'm thinking that she might actually be correct. We start letting ourselves believe that we are going to be parents and proceed to tell a few close friends and family members. Excitement ensues.

I went in for beta #5 on Tuesday (two days ago), and the number had grown to 297, but this was not quite enough of a 4-day percentage growth as we would have liked to see. I was let down, but still had hope that it could just be a slow-growing bean.

I had hope.

Until today. Beta #6 was 386. Definitely not enough to indicate viable pregnancy. More so, likely evidence of ectopic. The doctor called this afternoon to discuss our options.

First, we have decided to do a D&C (tomorrow morning) to check the uterus for any pregnancy tissue. If that comes back positive, we wait for hCG levels to drop, sit out a cycle, and start again with IUI #2.

If the D&C comes back negative for pregnancy tissue, I am given a shot of Methotrexate to kill the bean growing in my fallopian tube (or elsewhere, I guess). Methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug, but has proven itself useful in aborting ectopic pregnancies. My mom (who is a nurse) says it's called a "therapeutic abortion." I then have to wait 2 more cycles before trying again. Uggh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking (and crying) and analyzing (and crying) about our journey and the experience of IFers in general. What's surprising to me in this ordeal is that the joy I had in thinking I was pregnant was a strange kind. It was accompanied by a feeling of guilt and apprehension. I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it...like I hadn't experienced enough pain in my TTC journey. It was weird to me that I would get pregnant, and I really didn't believe it to be possible. Is this what IF does to us? Does it mar our experience so much that when we actually become pregnant (viable or not), we are so cautious and guarded about letting ourselves feel joy?

So..when they say "roller coaster of emotions," this experience doesn't even begin to compare with the ups and downs of a normal roller coaster. This has been a scary coaster - the kind that once you get on, you immediately regret it and desperately want it to stop. I'm grateful for an answer - some sort of diagnosis - either way because I was in limbo for a long time. and I just want to get back to my naive and blissful TTC with hope and faith that it will happen for us.

Someday.

The hits keep coming.

I went to the RE today for u/s and b/w in order to get started on the next cycle (this time with Femara and IUI). They told me that I couldn't begin the Femara until they ran another beta to make sure our bean was gone. I happily left, thinking I would run by the pharmacy and have the drugs ready for when I got the call.

Then it came. Today's beta was 20.

Our bean in still in there somewhere.

This new number is obviously still too low. Appropriate increase would be 60% every 48 hours. Plus the fact that AF IS IN TOWN, means we are still not pregnant. The Doc isn't sure if the number is on its way up or down, so they are going to monitor me to see what happens. They are putting me on "ectopic precautions."

Ectopic? Seriously? Is this now what we have to deal with? Isn't it enough that we can't get pregnant? Isn't it enough that we've suffered this long?

To further piss me off, this cycle is out. I now have to wait another month before starting the drugs and doing the IUI. Apparently, my uterus needs to be in tip-top shape before we attempt to put another bean in there. I totally get and respect this, BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

I was so excited to be starting again. I woke up in such a good mood this morning. Now what am I supposed to do? I am so sad, and all I can think about is where the heck it is, and whether it's going to cause more serious problems for our fertility in the future. If it's in my tube, will I have to have the tube removed?

In other happy news, two of my friends from college made pregnancy announcements on FB in the last two weeks. In addition, my really fertile neighbor told us the other night that they are going to start trying for number 2. Great. This is just what I needed.

When is it going to be my turn?