Over the past year I have read many Infertility-turned-Pregnancy Blogs, so I've had some idea of what emotions to expect in this new phase. I've read about guilt: "why me when there are so many others who are suffering and have been through much worse?" I've read about the questioning: "when can I truly be happy about this pregnancy and forget the fears of miscarriage that IF brings?" I've been able to relate to all of these emotions. But the one I never understood was the impatience: "why is it so hard to wait for ultrasounds, appointments, confirmations, etc.?"
Until now.
As an infertile, I never understood the impatience of many pregnant infertiles..the complaints about time moving slowly between appointments, always wondering if the baby was still alive and well, and other feelings of "when is this going to happen?" I always muttered to myself, "JUST BE THANKFUL YOU"RE PREGNANT!!!!"
Now that I am "on the other side," I have a completely different perspective.
I was EXTREMELY SPOILED in weeks 7, 8, and 9 of my pregnancy. I got to see Elfie once a week and it gave me the confirmation I needed that all was fine and that I really was pregnant. When I went to the OB last week I was not expecting an ultrasound; in fact, I might have actually turned it down had he offered because I've been reading a few things about what the fetus actually experiences...and wanted to start limiting the exposure.
What I wasn't expecting, however, is this feeling of maybe I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't really have any justified reason for feeling this way. My boobs are still sore, I am hungry all the time, I sleep like it's going out of style, I'm a urinating fool, and I haven't had any more bleeding or spotting. I even get nauseated at night still.
BUT.
I'm not showing yet, and some of the bloatedness of the first 10 weeks is dissipating. Sometimes I wake up and just don't "feel" pregnant. I have a slight rounding of the abdomen, but in the mornings it is so small that I wonder if something happened. Logically, I know that I shouldn't have a bump yet, especially since Dr. D showed me where my ute is, and it is still deep down in my lower abdomen.
I think what's getting me is that I have to wait 3 more weeks for an appointment. I know that this is not a super long time to wait. I know that in the big picture, this is nothing. Since I have all these impatient, questioning feelings, it is making the wait excruciating.
You'd think that someone who waited 20 months to even become pregnant would have a better head on her shoulders about such a thing. Wow. What have I become?!
I know some of you are rolling your eyes..but I promised myself I'd write openly and honestly about this adventure, and this has been on mind a lot lately.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The New OB (Part 2)
Today went really well! I am pleased to say that I like the new OB (Dr. D) very much. He is very friendly, honest, and gentle. I definitely got a great vibe from him and feel confident trusting him with the next 6.5 months of my and Elfie's life!
The appointment started off with Q&A...he asked a lot of questions and then told me that he wants nothing more than to be able to answer any and all of my questions. He wasn't kidding! As I rattled of my list of questions, after answering each one he said, "And what else?" It was a genuine, sincere desire on his part to want to keep me informed. I was very impressed. Dr. D also told me that I will see him at every appointment. It's nice to know that I won't be dealing with NPs or nurses and that I get to see the "real deal" every time! The exception to this is if my appointment is on one of his on-call days and he has to run out to deliver a baby, I have the option of keeping the appointment and seeing one of his partners or rescheduling with him.
He went into quite a bit of detail concerning all the testing we can do for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18. M and I have been talking about it recently as I am aware that they do the NT scan between 11 and 13 weeks. Dr. D emphasized that we are not high-risk as I am newly 30. I told him we have already decided that we don't want any testing done. We both know that finding out wouldn't change our course of action..and that we'd love a child with challenges the same as any other.
After our Q&A session I had to put a FULL BODY gown on (I guess my days of bottoms off only are over...), and he came back in with the speculum.
That's when my eyes got big and all I could think was, Don't make my cervix mad!!!!! He checked my cervix and found it to be "looking perfect," and then palpated my uterus. Apparently it is roughly the size of a grapefruit now. The appointment was then essentially over, as he was called out to catch a baby!
I scheduled my next appointment in four weeks (I will be 14w4d) He said by this point we will be able to hear Elfie's hb on the doppler. VERY much looking forward to that!
The appointment started off with Q&A...he asked a lot of questions and then told me that he wants nothing more than to be able to answer any and all of my questions. He wasn't kidding! As I rattled of my list of questions, after answering each one he said, "And what else?" It was a genuine, sincere desire on his part to want to keep me informed. I was very impressed. Dr. D also told me that I will see him at every appointment. It's nice to know that I won't be dealing with NPs or nurses and that I get to see the "real deal" every time! The exception to this is if my appointment is on one of his on-call days and he has to run out to deliver a baby, I have the option of keeping the appointment and seeing one of his partners or rescheduling with him.
He went into quite a bit of detail concerning all the testing we can do for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18. M and I have been talking about it recently as I am aware that they do the NT scan between 11 and 13 weeks. Dr. D emphasized that we are not high-risk as I am newly 30. I told him we have already decided that we don't want any testing done. We both know that finding out wouldn't change our course of action..and that we'd love a child with challenges the same as any other.
After our Q&A session I had to put a FULL BODY gown on (I guess my days of bottoms off only are over...), and he came back in with the speculum.
That's when my eyes got big and all I could think was, Don't make my cervix mad!!!!! He checked my cervix and found it to be "looking perfect," and then palpated my uterus. Apparently it is roughly the size of a grapefruit now. The appointment was then essentially over, as he was called out to catch a baby!
I scheduled my next appointment in four weeks (I will be 14w4d) He said by this point we will be able to hear Elfie's hb on the doppler. VERY much looking forward to that!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The New OB (Part 1)
Tomorrow is my first OB appointment and I'm excited with a bit of apprehension. I am looking forward to meeting this man who could potentially deliver my first baby! My RE recommended him, and he has gotten great reviews online. This makes me feel better! Unfortunately his office is on the other end of town (which, I am aware, is not THAT big of a deal...just saying). I have been advised that it is okay to go with my gut feeling if I don't care for him. One of my friends says she regrets not trusting her instinct and trying out another OB.
Additionally, I am not really sure what to expect at this appointment. The visits to the RE were so predictable, and I always felt so comfortable there...This new unknown office is a bit intimidating to me. I have a list of questions to ask him, so hopefully he's a patient man who can take my inquisitive nature with a grain of salt. Lord knows there will be plenty more questions and concerns to come..
I'll update Part 2 tomorrow after the appointment!
Additionally, I am not really sure what to expect at this appointment. The visits to the RE were so predictable, and I always felt so comfortable there...This new unknown office is a bit intimidating to me. I have a list of questions to ask him, so hopefully he's a patient man who can take my inquisitive nature with a grain of salt. Lord knows there will be plenty more questions and concerns to come..
I'll update Part 2 tomorrow after the appointment!
Gratitude...it's been too long!
Today, I am grateful for...
1. Perspective. As I am beginning to experience some pregnancy-related inconveniences...like not being able to sleep on my tummy anymore....I am reminded how small a thing it is compared to the Big Picture.
2. My amazing hubby. The past few weeks I have started noticing subtle changes in his patience, demeanor, and attitude toward me. This is not to say that he's normally rude or un-caring, but I've seen a change in his willingness to care for and nurture me. This is so incredibly wonderful right now since my exhaustion and nausea must be tiresome to him.
3. My good friend A. Some of you may remember that she was the pregnant friend who was so incredibly kind to me during my infertile period. She never gave unwanted cliche advice and never told me I shouldn't feel angry or sad. She simply listened to me, and I loved being able to share my feelings with her. Now that she has had her gorgeous baby girl, she is a source of advice, love, and support for me in my pregnancy.
4. My little Elfie. Yes, that's right. M and I named our (then embryo, now fetus) little one Elfie. We wanted something Christmasy since we got our BFP 5 days before Christmas, and prefer to think of it as if Santa's Elves played a part in helping our dream come true. So Elfie it is. I marvel everyday at the life growing inside of me. It is still so surreal, and my love is already infinite.
1. Perspective. As I am beginning to experience some pregnancy-related inconveniences...like not being able to sleep on my tummy anymore....I am reminded how small a thing it is compared to the Big Picture.
2. My amazing hubby. The past few weeks I have started noticing subtle changes in his patience, demeanor, and attitude toward me. This is not to say that he's normally rude or un-caring, but I've seen a change in his willingness to care for and nurture me. This is so incredibly wonderful right now since my exhaustion and nausea must be tiresome to him.
3. My good friend A. Some of you may remember that she was the pregnant friend who was so incredibly kind to me during my infertile period. She never gave unwanted cliche advice and never told me I shouldn't feel angry or sad. She simply listened to me, and I loved being able to share my feelings with her. Now that she has had her gorgeous baby girl, she is a source of advice, love, and support for me in my pregnancy.
4. My little Elfie. Yes, that's right. M and I named our (then embryo, now fetus) little one Elfie. We wanted something Christmasy since we got our BFP 5 days before Christmas, and prefer to think of it as if Santa's Elves played a part in helping our dream come true. So Elfie it is. I marvel everyday at the life growing inside of me. It is still so surreal, and my love is already infinite.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Progesterone, Facebook, and Sensitivity.
I forgot to mention on Monday that the RE told me I could stop the progesterone suppositories. Obviously, from a spotting/irritated cervix position, I was elated. Apparently the placenta is developed enough to carry on the hormone production, but it still makes me a bit nervous. Because I have a LP defect, I am on edge a bit not knowing how much that extra progesterone was helping to sustain the pregnancy. So of course I am the obsessive TP checker (even more so than usual if you can believe that). So far, so good. Maybe these doctors know what they're talking about after all?
In other news, a friend of mine from college just announced her pregnancy in FB last night. She is 14 weeks along and just heard the heartbeat for the first time. The infertiles reading this know that can only mean that she got pregnant without ART...so even though I am pregnant, and just a mere 4 weeks behind her, I can't help but have those old feelings that IF brings. It doesn't change once you get pregnant, people.
On the same note, I have decided that I will not be announcing anything pregnancy-related on FB. I figure that the people I am close to will know through a phone call or in person, and those I knew years ago in HS but haven't really had much contact with over the years don't necessarily need an announcement. Also, I'd like to consider myself a more sensitive person since experiencing infertility, and don't want any of my friends (who knows, there might be a few out there experiencing the hell I went through) to have to hear my announcement that way. I will always remember how much it sucks.
In other news, a friend of mine from college just announced her pregnancy in FB last night. She is 14 weeks along and just heard the heartbeat for the first time. The infertiles reading this know that can only mean that she got pregnant without ART...so even though I am pregnant, and just a mere 4 weeks behind her, I can't help but have those old feelings that IF brings. It doesn't change once you get pregnant, people.
On the same note, I have decided that I will not be announcing anything pregnancy-related on FB. I figure that the people I am close to will know through a phone call or in person, and those I knew years ago in HS but haven't really had much contact with over the years don't necessarily need an announcement. Also, I'd like to consider myself a more sensitive person since experiencing infertility, and don't want any of my friends (who knows, there might be a few out there experiencing the hell I went through) to have to hear my announcement that way. I will always remember how much it sucks.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Graduation Day
[Cue Pomp and Circumstance]
Well, the day has finally arrived that we say goodbye to our dear, beloved RE and NP and hello to a new OB! It is bittersweet to me as I feel that they have taken such good care of me over the past 8 months...I couldn't have asked for a better team of people to help me through the hardest thing I've ever faced. I am truly grateful.
That being said... WOO-HOO that I won't be needing them again for quite some time!! It's still so surreal to me that this might actually be happening. I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet. I think it's so hard to accept that after so many failures (when I thought everything was right, perfectly timed, and planed to the T), it actually can happen for me. My body can produce and sustain life. Wow.
Baby is again measuring 2 days ahead at 9w5d. Doctor said everything is looking great. He pointed out the placenta, the umbilical cord, and then of course baby's head, torso, jaw, leg buds, and arm buds. We were just in total and complete awe of the miracle of creation. Baby waved a few times and showed us some of his/her dance moves (the cutest wiggles I've EVER seen), and we just couldn't get enough of it. M was especially taken aback with the amount of movement we saw.
I have my first real OB appointment on the 10th. Can't wait to feel like a "normal" pregnant patient like the rest of 'em. Actually, I don't think I will ever feel that this pregnancy is "normal," as I think back to the heartache that got us here. I know that those experiences make us stand out from the crowd, and I'm glad for that.
And here's a pic for posterity:
Well, the day has finally arrived that we say goodbye to our dear, beloved RE and NP and hello to a new OB! It is bittersweet to me as I feel that they have taken such good care of me over the past 8 months...I couldn't have asked for a better team of people to help me through the hardest thing I've ever faced. I am truly grateful.
That being said... WOO-HOO that I won't be needing them again for quite some time!! It's still so surreal to me that this might actually be happening. I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet. I think it's so hard to accept that after so many failures (when I thought everything was right, perfectly timed, and planed to the T), it actually can happen for me. My body can produce and sustain life. Wow.
Baby is again measuring 2 days ahead at 9w5d. Doctor said everything is looking great. He pointed out the placenta, the umbilical cord, and then of course baby's head, torso, jaw, leg buds, and arm buds. We were just in total and complete awe of the miracle of creation. Baby waved a few times and showed us some of his/her dance moves (the cutest wiggles I've EVER seen), and we just couldn't get enough of it. M was especially taken aback with the amount of movement we saw.
I have my first real OB appointment on the 10th. Can't wait to feel like a "normal" pregnant patient like the rest of 'em. Actually, I don't think I will ever feel that this pregnancy is "normal," as I think back to the heartache that got us here. I know that those experiences make us stand out from the crowd, and I'm glad for that.
And here's a pic for posterity:
Monday, January 25, 2010
The day in which the world stopped...and started again.
At 4 pm today I started spotting. Being the irrational, emotional, hormonal person that I am lately, this sent me into a tailspin. Tears came immediately, as I KNEW in my heart that this must be the end (because, apparently I'm a doctor now).
I called the RE and she told me to come in so I could see the heartbeat and be assured that the spotting was caused by prolonged use of the suppositories. I was a wreck. M drove us there, and I was a crying zombie the entire ride there.
Once we were in the room, I said a few prayers (ha, they were desperate pleas!) to God, and shortly thereafter was given the best news I have received since this pregnancy started.
Baby not only continues to have a strong (151 bpm) heartbeat, we got to HEAR it today. He/she has doubled in size and is measuring 2 days ahead of schedule at 8w5d. I attribute this to the high probability that this poor child has inherited his or her father's head...which is famously over-sized. The kicker in this whole crazy day was that we got to see baby MOVE! It was twitching! Talk about the craziest thing I've ever seen!!!!!
So...what could have been the worst day in my 30 years turned out to be a day with a bonus u/s with tears of happiness and relief in the end. I know we are not cleared yet. We never will be! But for this small victory, I am most appreciative. Thank you, God.
I called the RE and she told me to come in so I could see the heartbeat and be assured that the spotting was caused by prolonged use of the suppositories. I was a wreck. M drove us there, and I was a crying zombie the entire ride there.
Once we were in the room, I said a few prayers (ha, they were desperate pleas!) to God, and shortly thereafter was given the best news I have received since this pregnancy started.
Baby not only continues to have a strong (151 bpm) heartbeat, we got to HEAR it today. He/she has doubled in size and is measuring 2 days ahead of schedule at 8w5d. I attribute this to the high probability that this poor child has inherited his or her father's head...which is famously over-sized. The kicker in this whole crazy day was that we got to see baby MOVE! It was twitching! Talk about the craziest thing I've ever seen!!!!!
So...what could have been the worst day in my 30 years turned out to be a day with a bonus u/s with tears of happiness and relief in the end. I know we are not cleared yet. We never will be! But for this small victory, I am most appreciative. Thank you, God.
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