Being Flexible

I posted a few months back about making plans, and how everything we thought we'd be doing this year pretty much hasn't happened. I wrote about how it's been hard mentally rearranging plans for our future. When my friend M told me last November that she and her hubby were starting ttc, I thought, "Well, I've been trying for 7 months...I'm sure I'll be pregnant soon." M was pregnant immediately, and her baby was born on Sunday. Hmmm..change of plans.

Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.

And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.

One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.

Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.

If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?