Being Flexible

I posted a few months back about making plans, and how everything we thought we'd be doing this year pretty much hasn't happened. I wrote about how it's been hard mentally rearranging plans for our future. When my friend M told me last November that she and her hubby were starting ttc, I thought, "Well, I've been trying for 7 months...I'm sure I'll be pregnant soon." M was pregnant immediately, and her baby was born on Sunday. Hmmm..change of plans.

Recently we were invited on vacations abroad next summer, and I'm torn about what kinds of arrangements/RSVPs I should make. The first trip is in June to Costa Rica, and the second in July or August to Hawaii. Since the earliest we can start trying is November, the earliest I could be due is August 2010...unless we get preggers with multiples (in which case the probability of early delivery goes up and we wouldn't be flying ANYWHERE!). Logically, I know that it's still very early, and that we don't have to set anything in stone just yet..but I can't help wondering if my plans to have a baby in 2010 will be realized. They certainly weren't in 2009.

And..as much as I would love to be on these vacations, there is a hope that for some reason, I won't be able to attend.

One thing I'm starting to learn through this process is that when the plans don't turn out as I want, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is evidence that my brain is starting to mature to the point of catching up with my biology. More and more lately, I've become less desperate to have a baby - not because I want it any less - because I'm realizing that I don't have much say about what goes on inside this body of mine! It doesn't help me at all to be desperate to the point of crying every time AF shows, evil eye-ing every PG l come across, and feeling jealousy when people I'm close to announce their easily-won pregnancies.

Releasing the desperation is giving me more peace.

If, for example, you had told me last September that I would not be PG this September, I would have flipped out! Now, I can look at the next year and be okay if it doesn't happen. As long as I know that I'm doing everything I can and utilizing the resources available to me, there's no point in being upset. Heck, it ALREADY hasn't been on my time table! Why sweat it more?

A Big Fat Zero!!!!!

I never in a million years imagined I'd be sitting here rejoicing at an hCG level of ZERO! But I am, because it means that I no longer have any pregnancy tissue in my tube!!

The frustrating part is that we were told to not try on our own (yeah right, are they actually expecting us to use protection?), and to call when I get my third period. Three AFs is a looong time to wait...but what choice do I have? I guess I'll enjoy those baby-free luxuries for a few more months. It'll be nice to not temp, worry, or POAS. And no more betas!!!

I took my first prenatal a few seconds after I hung up the phone...just a little bit excited, right?!

A slow decrease

As I sat in the lab chair last Friday (the 21st) I asked the NP to say a prayer for a big fat ZERO! She looked at me like I was a little bit off my rocker, probably because she knew that it wouldn't got from 95 to zero in one week! Lo and behold, she was correct. My hCG that day was 40. Definitely a good amount, but not there yet. No prenatals and limited salad for me continues.....

We were concluding our vacation this past Friday, so I rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow (Monday). I guess I'm a bit more realistic this time that it probably won't be zero, but hopeful nonetheless. What makes me curious about my whacked out body right now is that I clearly ovulated last Wednesday (fertile cm, pain and all!), but didn't think this was possible due to hCG still present in my body. I'll be sure to ask about this tomorrow as I sit in the hCG chair for the THIRTEENTH time.

No wonder I have to wait until November. This is taking FOREVER.

Been MIA...

Boy, oh boy, it's been a crazy fun two weeks! The fun began week before last with a much-needed and anticipated visit from my friend E. We had a blast together, but of course it was too short! I played tour guide and we hit all the must-do hot spots (she's never been to my city before..), and we spent a bunch of time crafting homemade cards. The day E left I got a visit from my friend H... hers was a whirlwind 24 hour trip, but awesome nonetheless. H left on the 20th, and the next day M and I packed up the car and headed off on out BIG ADVENTURE.

We planned to hit up some friends who recently moved to a new city in a new state for a few days of fun and camping, and from there we had no plan. It was fantastic. Just the three of us (yes, we took furbaby Charlie to make our trip interesting!) and the open road. We were literally driving by the seats of our pants! We stayed in many beautiful cities - explored, shopped, ate, drank, camped, and DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IF!!!!!!!!!

It was so nice to reconnect with M and remember the days that were not marred by our inability to get pregnant. It was wonderful to not think about, see, or read about pregnant women and ectopic pregnancies. I loved not worrying about doc appointments, taking temperatures and pills, analyzing symptoms, and obsessing about hCG levels..It was heaven.

I'm feeling grateful to be home with my bed, my kitchen, and some clean clothes. I am most pleased, however, to come back to my blogging buddies and the recent BFP announcements from Just Me , Murgdan, and Courtney. These ladies have endured long, painful journeys and all three are pregnant through IVF. Congrats to you all, my heart is with you and your growing beans!

More Good News.

I had my two-week follow up exam with my RE today. They drew blood for my TENTH beta to see if my level is still decreasing. While we waited for the results, M and I got a chance to have a really informative Q&A session with the doc. We asked a lot of questions about ectopic pregnancies, our risks for the future, and some of the causes for them. He was super sweet and answered all of our questions with ease and clarity. I totally dig him, and feel good about the level of care we are receiving. We knew we'd be in good hands when we started with him because of the excellent reputation of this particular clinic, but also because he's been on Oprah!!!!

After all the "biology and anatomy" talk, we asked him the biggest and foremost question on our minds: When, exactly, will we be able to try again? He told us that because the methotrexate completely strips the body of folic acid, we have to get my body back in shape in order to produce a baby! The risks of neural tube defects are way too great when you don't have enough folic acid. Since we are still waiting for my level to get to zero, I can't take my prenatals or eat green leafy veggies, so I won't be able to start the 3-month count until it gets to zero. I'm thinking November-ish.

By November, my good friend A will be on the cusp of giving birth, my other friend M will have a 2.5 month old, and I'll be 30.

The nurse called with my results around 3:30. The beta has decreased again to 95. This makes me so happy! The best part, though, is that the doc said I can have a glass of wine tonight....but he warned me not to drink the whole bottle. I think I can handle that!

4 days!

I am on the tail end of my Methotrexate! This coming Saturday marks two weeks, and I'm planning on doing it up big. I haven't had any leafy, green veggies or wine, and I'm starting to go a little crazy. Not. Kidding. Especially since yesterday was our 2 year anniversary and we had sushi to celebrate. Sushi without wine or sake is just not the same. It's extremely hard to not eat salad, I am a lover of all things green!

The good news is (and yes, there is always a silver lining) that I received a call from the RE's office on Saturday afternoon after my beta. They reported that my 415 went down to 287 in a 3 days. Yay! That means I (probably) wont have to go in for another shot, as this one seems to be working to resolve my ectopic.

I'm having mixed emotions about not being able to try for the next few cycles. On one hand, I am sad and anxious (and impatient!), and REALLY want to get pregnant in 2009. Every month that passes decreases the chances for that happening....Of course, as my mother points out, we DID get pregnant in 2009, but I was kind of hoping more for the kind of pregnancy that actually yields A BABY. On the other hand, I'm grateful for a little break from planning and obsessing. So far, it has been nice to be focusing my attention on other things in my life. Not thinking about it has made me a little bit more healthy in the head, and my body will be happy to be drug and hormone free for a few months!

On Sunday, M and I took fur baby Charlie for a hike to a lake nearby. Here's a pic of me and my baby:

I have a gray hair!

Goodness gracious..I know I've been through some stress lately, but am I really at the verge of "going gray"? The big 3-0 is looming, and I certainly don't need gray hair to help me make the transition to my fourth decade.

It might be hard for you to see...I had to get a second opinion from M last night to make sure it wasn't all in my head (pun intended!). In this pic it's on the right side of the picture.