Wow!

NP just called. Today's beta is 1,253.

Ultrasound in 3 weeks on January 18. Oh, how I am praying for this one to stick around.

Wow. I'm speechless.

(and I'm including the chart for reference):

Hard to Believe.

I am still finding myself in a state of disbelief about being pregnant. I find it very difficult to say the word and actually believe that it's me I'm talking about! I've spent the last year and 7 months wanting this, but now have trouble accepting that it's my time. I think the ectopic really messed me up in that way.

Right now, the symptoms are few..I've had a few gagging episodes, and "the girls" are bigger and more sore than they've ever been. I also occasionally get a few distinct twinges/dull cramps in my uterine region. Oh yeah, and I'm 5 days late for AF (no complaints here!). Comparatively, this seems much more "normal" than the last time I saw those two pink lines.

When my NP called last Wednesday to give me the beta score, I asked when they wanted to see me again for the next beta. She replied by explaining that they don't need to see me again! I was dumbfounded, and then proceeded to beg for another blood draw. I know that I'm just not going to be convinced by two betas.

I go in at 8:30 tomorrow. I'll post results when I have them!

Finally. (Warning: this is LOOONG).

Okay...so, you all know that I had an ectopic pregnancy with IUI#1 back in July. It was a nightmarish experience - one that I'm not going to relive in detail right now - and I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

First, because we were not immediately certain that it was ectopic (the numbers started low, then doubled, then tapered off), we told out families and few very close friends that we were pregnant. Of course, this ended up being a huge mistake because we then had to un-tell everyone. It was a pretty darn awful experience.

So...we decided to A) not tell anyone about our future treatments (we were so tired of the questions and advice we kept getting), and B) NOT TELL ANYONE FOR A LONG TIME once we did finally get pregnant. I was on a forced break from treatment in September and October - although we did try naturally - and then started treatment again in November. We did Femara (got two nice-looking follicles!) with hCG trigger and IUI only to have a BFN 2 days after Thanksgiving. I was very sad...I knew our chances of conceiving in 2009 were quickly fading.

************************************

So this brings us to today. This month, M and I did our 3rd and final IUI because we are dead broke (we have ZERO IF insurance or coverage, and the surgery set us back even further). I convinced him to do this last one and then we could take a break with a TBD date of re-entry into the world of IF payments, meds, and HELL.

I started Acupuncture this month and it was awesome. LOVED IT> and will continue if I happen to inherit a small fortune. We did our IUI on December 10...with a natural lh surge! I was pretty bummed because although M's numbers and motility were awesome, I only had ONE follicle. Are you kidding me? My beta was scheduled for today at 13 dpo.

Of course, I had zero symptoms and was already preparing myself for a crappy Christmas. Until last Sunday (10 dpo). I was working on a scrapbook for my mom as a gift for Christmas, and I started feeling some interesting sensations in my nether regions. On a whim, I went to CVS and bought a FRER (because I'm so rich, right?). It was 12:00pm when I took it, so it wasn't FMU....and saw a very faint line. I started hyperventilating. I was in complete shock.

I waited for M to come home and verify that wasn't seeing things. We decided I would call the RE on Monday to see what we should do. Of course, I'm thinking that it's in my tube and I just want to catch it in time, so let's get these betas over with. My NP (whom I love) told me that they don't normally do betas at 11 dpo, but that she would do it for me because she knew I would be a neurotic mess of I had to wait until Wednesday (gotta love her). So I went in on Monday at 11 am. The number as 27. NP told me that the doc was very pleased with such a great number at such an early stage.

So..of course I continued to POAS just to put my mind at ease until today. The line was getting gradually darker, so I knew it was going up. When I got today's results I was floored. We had calculated that it should be AT LEAST (with a 60% rise) in the 40s....but mine was 82!!!!! I convinced her to let me come in next Tuesday for another beta.

NP and doc say that I am pregnant. I want to say that I am pregnant. M says he'll believe it when he sees a baby. I still can't help but smile and enjoy it while it lasts, even if that is just a little while.

Merry Christmas!

Love me some snow.

So..it's snow day today...which means NO SCHOOL!!! Gotta love the day off and a chance to relax in front of the fire with my pooch.

Drinking coffee from my santa mug + reading + fire + snow falling outside + Christmas music + tree lights = joy and contentment in my heart.

M and I dote so much on this spoiled rotten dog, we joked last night that it is ABOUT TIME for a kid! Charlie might have just a few problems with some competition, though ;)

I love this season. Here are some pics of Charlie's morning romp in the snow!!

Some Inspiration (and Thank you!)

Thanks so much for your very sweet comments on my last post. I think my numbness is partially due to the impending holidays, as a way to protect myself from another Christmas without a baby or a (viable) pregnancy. Last year at this time I was sad to not be pregnant, but still very hopeful that it would happen in 2009. Now, as most of us know and are experiencing, the probability of it happening this year is very slim.

Alas, I've had a glimmer of comfort lately in an unexpected source. I sing with a large community choir, and have recently been preparing for our Christmas performances. This year we are singing a beautiful set of music with various other groups, including the local Philharmonic. Of course, there are the Christmas favorites like O Christmas tree, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, etc. But we also do pieces that are not in the general "holiday favorite" category, to mix it up.

This year one of those pieces is "Closing of the Year." When I first sang through it, I wasn't too fond of the cheesiness of the melody and orchestration. Every time we rehearsed this particular piece, I rolled my eyes and just half-heartedly endured it. But last night, we got to sing it with all the other performers involved. This includes soloists, children's choir, percussion ensemble, orchestra, and us (the choir!). Last night was the first time I actually LISTENED to the lyrics.

I was moved. I started tearing up in the middle of this huge concert hall, in the middle of the piece, in the middle of rehearsal, in the middle of hundreds of performers! And I totally didn't care if anyone noticed my emotion. It felt so good to FEEL the sadness, and also the hope and joy that Christmas brings.

Here are the lyrics:

If I cannot bring you comfort,
then at least I bring you hope.

For nothing is more precious
than the time we haven't sold.

We all must learn from our misfortunes,
count the blessings that are real.
Let the bells ring out for Christmas
at the closing of the year.

They are not fancy. They are simply put, and straight to the heart. As I drove home last night, I reflected on the blessings in my life that are real, that are here, and that I shouldn't ignore anymore. I have such a beautiful life; a husband who loves and supports me, a great family, amazing friends, a job I love, and the ability to appreciate all of it. True, this infertility is my misfortune. This is a road block that has been difficult to maneuver around, but the message is: How can I learn from it? Can I be stronger when faced with failure? Can I be less selfish and more understanding of others' struggles? Can I have a hopeful, positive spirit despite the pain and sadness (and sometimes anger)?

Yes.

Thank you, Christmas season. I needed you!

Numbness with a little bit of life thrown in.

BFN after BFN (after bfn after bfn after bfn!) usually makes me really sad. By sad, I mean throwing myself on the bed in a ball of tears. Lately, though, I've noticed that I haven't been reacting the same way to my failures. There is an underlying sadness in everything I do, but in many ways I have become numb to the pain that is there everytime AF shows and I fail to become a mother. It's been almost 19 months. I can't help but ask if it will ever happen for us. There is no way we will be able to afford this if it goes on much longer. We are so tapped out.

This past month I was extremely busy preparing for Thanksgiving, so between that, working, and choir rehearsals, I didn't have much time to dwell on my infertility. It was nice. But it was also another of many failures on the TTC front. This new detachment is surprising to me. Me. Not a mother. Not pregnant. Not hopeful.

Everyone is telling me to be positive, and deep inside I know I should be. But I don't know how to do that right now.

Really? And a little bit of gratitude.

We moved to our New City in June 2008. We had just started TTC, and the first thing we did upon buying the house was to adopt Charlie, our handsome Black Lab. I was not at the point of concern in our baby journey at that point...just blissfully unaware. One day in July I took the rambunctious little bugger for a walk to the park(has anyone attempted to walk a 3-month old Labrador? Impossible...but that's a whole other story). I sat down on a bench where a woman was nursing her teeny little baby girl. I smiled at her and struck up a conversation..she told that she and her husband had also recently moved to New City, and that their baby was 2 months old. We chatted a few minutes more, and I scooted along with "Trouble" tagging me along. I remember wondering of someday I would run into her again with my own child. At that time, I thought I was very close to becoming pregnant!

Throughout the year and 4 months since then, I've thought of her a few times..wondering if they still lived here and how old their baby was. I look for her when I walk my now well-behaved, mature canine.

Today I was standing in line at the post office, and I looked up to see that she was being waited on at the counter. Once I realized it was her, I looked around for baby girl...but didn't see here anywhere. I couldn't help but overhear her conversation with the guy helping her. He was asking about her daughter. I heard her saying that the little girl is 18 months now (quick mental math told me that yes, that is the exact amount of time we have been trying)...and then she said, "And I only have 5 more weeks with this one!" At which point she turned, and sure enough her big, beautiful pregnant belly came into focus.

I was so taken aback! It seemed so recently that I met her with her teeny, tiny baby...and here she is about to give birth again! When I met her that day I was so excited at the thought that I would have a baby soon!

The thing is...I don't know her story. For all I know, these two children were IVF babies...I just couldn't help but say, "Really?"

And since I've been such a complainer lately, I feel some gratitude comin' on..
Today, I am grateful for:

1. Being prepared for my big Thanksgiving Feast that is in just over two weeks!! That's right, folks...I have never made a turkey, and this year I'll be cooking for 14 adults and 4 children. Needless to say, I started planning a few months ago (that's the teacher in me), so that the few days prior to the BIG DAY wouldn't be spent in stressful chaos.
2. Cold weather - I LOVE snuggling up in front of the fire!
3. My hard-working, loving, reassuring, practical hubby. He is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better life partner.
4. My MIL and her fabulous Monday night meal, and her amazing photographic skills!
5. Organization and creativity.
6. Snuggles with my furbabies...even when they act like I am smothering them, I know they secretly love the doting attentiveness. I can't help it! M told me recently (as I was tucking Charlie in for bed) that it's time for a BABY, or else the dog is going to get a crib and a stroller!